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Where the Kids Roam

  • Central America Guatemala Travel Tales

    Searching for Maximón

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  • Adventures with Kids Caribbean Travel Tales

    Why Traveling with Kids is Hell (and Why I’ll Continue to Do It)

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  • Asia Nepal Travel Tales

    Death in Asia, Part II – The Himalayas

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  • Asia Nepal Travel Tales

    Death in Asia, Part I – Kathmandu

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  • Adventures with Kids Europe Travel Tales

    Winter in Europe…With a Baby

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  • Annoying Experiences Egypt Travel Tales

    How Hard is it to see Pyramids? Honestly.

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  • Airlines Jordan

    Flying High with Royal Jordanian

    I’m not being paid to write this, but I did receive perks and special treatment from Royal Jordanian (“RJ”, as its friends call it). So my unbiased opinion is that RJ IS THE GREATEST…

  • 1001 Beautiful Travel Moments

    1001 BTMs – #1 Walking Down the al-Sīq to the Treasury in Petra

    To begin my list of beautiful travel moments (BTMs), I’m starting off with one of my premier locations – Petra in Jordan. Recall, I ranked Petra as my #2 Wonder of the World. But,…

  • 1001 Beautiful Travel Moments

    1001 Beautiful Travel Moments

    In an effort to relive my favorite travel moments, and also to boost my moral on a daily basis, I’ve committed myself to describing 1001 of our most beautiful travel moments. Hopefully, these will…

  • Adventures with Kids Vietnam

    One of the Best Countries to Take Kids – Vietnam

    Vietnam is As always, this blog post only represents my particular experience. You obviously, had, or will have, a different experience in Vietnam. For any comments in this blog entry you deem unfairly negative,…

  • Instagram

    My Favorite Instagram Captions – Country Fact Edition (The Last One Will Blow Your Mind)

    Put away those books. I’m here to learn you alllls about the world we live in. Wow your friends with the below factual-ish tidbits.            View this post on Instagram…

  • Expat Life Spain

    How to Disappear Completely (Yet Let Everyone Know You’re Living Your Best Life in Spain)

    Moving to Spain and leaving your normal life behind is a simple, 28-step process. I’ll explore that process, below, in waaaaaaay more depth than you could ever possibly care about. Step 1: Choose an…

  • Adventures in Parenting Adventures with Kids

    Rho Takes a Break

    Because life is exhausting. …

  • Archives Fiji

    Our Gap Year Part II: Fiji

    This is a story from our archives. It’s part two in a series recounting our 14-month trip around the world. If you haven’t read part one, go there now. Or don’t. It doesn’t really matter.…

  • Archives

    Our Gap Year Or: How I Learned To Love Sleeping In Hostel Twin Beds And Taking Cold Showers

    This from the vault – the archives, if you will. I was very fortunate to recover our old blog that came out at a time when blogging wasn’t really a thing. I like to…

  • Annals of Philosophy

    How to Get the Fuck off the Hamster Wheel and Live Again: A Guide to Dropping out of Society and Forging your Own Path

    The first couple of chapters of a book I'll never finish....…

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wherethekidsroam
Per Instagram rules, I’m supposed to write “PO Per Instagram rules, I’m supposed to write “POV” (Point of View) and then something relevant to the videos. I don’t really understand what this means (as you can clearly see). 🤷🏼‍♂️ So, I’m really binary about places we visit - I either love ‘em or hate ‘em. Well…I loved Plitvice. It’s the perfect mix of beauty and activity. You’ll walk a lot. A lot a lot, which is great. But even better, if you get there at 7am, you’ll have the park to yourself. Around noon, however, you’ll wonder why it takes an hour in a tightly-packed line of people to walk 50 meters just to see water dripping off a high rock. But still, it’s great. Do it. Oh, but as an aside, f*[k wasps. I was stung for the first time in my life by a wasp in the park (in my left hand). And, literally, while at lunch 20 minutes later, I was telling my wife how much worse a wasp sting is than a bee sting and, in the most dramatic way possible, telling her I’d probably die if I got stung twice in a row. Just then, I felt a bug on my left leg and when I brushed it off, I quickly found out it was a wasp and the f*[k€r stung me (again, in my left hand). I died a little that day, I really did. ☹️🐝🔫 #plitvicenationalpark #croatiatravel #croatiafulloflife #plitvicelakesnationalpark #plitvicefullexperience #croatiafullofmagic #croatiafullofnature #croatia🇭🇷
When my wife told me she hated the UNESCO (@unesco When my wife told me she hated the UNESCO (@unesco) World Heritage site of Alberobello (@visit_alberobello), it was such a relief to me. Because for years she’s told me she hates my face. But now I understand she just hates objectively beautiful things. 😃🫦✨ I’m kidding, I’m kidding. She was appalled when I showed her this caption (“I never said I hated Alberobello!”). 😒 So, our whole trip to Puglia, Italy centered around visiting these very beautiful structures called trulli (trullo-singular). And it was fine. They were fine. Just fine. Everything is fine. That’s the best I can say. Expect an imaginary blog post in the future titled -“Alberobello was Absolutely Adequate and Should be Added to the Top One Million Things to see Before you Die.” 😃😅✌🏻 For those of you who don’t appreciate honesty, I’ve got an alternate, fluffy, impossibly positive caption that’s similar to what you’ll find everywhere else - “I was lost. Struggling each morning to figure out which smoothie recipe to make in my craftsman-style house overlooking the Pacific Ocean in sunny Southern California. I needed to get away. Find myself. Fall in love with myself again. And so I went to southern Italy. There, I’d wake up each morning, stare at the ocean, make my smoothie, and just think about how grateful I was that a simple, $12,000 trip could turn everything around. I think trips like this would solve everyone’s problems. Don’t you agree?” #coffeelover #smoothiebowls #eatpraylove #findingmyself #homeisinsideyou #prayforparis #savethekoalas #stopthefires
After what felt like an eternity in the scorching After what felt like an eternity in the scorching sun, we still didn’t get a good photo of all five of us. Or maybe we did. I don’t remember. It’s all a blur. Heat stroke make brain do funny things. Anyhow, I can’t recommend Matera enough. It feels like an Italian desert Middle East holy land club resort world. Trapped in the past and yet very modern, very chic. Like you can get the plague in the morning and recover from it later that afternoon in your five-star hotel’s ancient-cave day spa. Like you can get your Cavatelli pasta with broccoli rabe and a side of cholera from a world-renowned Michelin star chef stricken with leprosy. You know. It’s not that way, but it feels that way. 10/10 recommend. Best cholera we’ve had so far on the trip. 👌🏻👍🏻✅ #matera #italyadventures #italywithkids #materaitaly #materaphotography #materazzi #materaitaly #italyfamilyvacation #italyfamilyvacation #italiansummer
Going to Matera, Italy - the opening location of t Going to Matera, Italy - the opening location of the last James Bond movie - made me feel JUST like James Bond. You know, if James Bond worked a desk job, had a dad bod, drove a seven-seater SUV (without standard-issue flamethrowers), lived a relatively uninteresting life full of angst and meaninglessness while fully consumed in an assiduous but ultimately vain and unsuccessful pursuit of anything resembling earnest attention, and had a wife and kids that expected him to be loving (and present). Yup, just like James Bond. Actually, I’ve just decided, I’m throwing my name in the hat for becoming the next Bond. If selected, I promise 100% less action but 1000% more relatability. The movie will basically just be two hours of me driving, lost on impossibly narrow European roads, while kids vomit in the backseat and my wife pleads with me to stop for a bathroom break while I pretend not to hear her all the while repeatedly muttering “wow, we’re really making good time” like a g*dd*mn madman. Who wouldn’t want to see that movie I say? 😃 Matera was also the filming location of The Passion of the Christ. Just be glad you didn’t read my original caption…😬😅 #materaitaly #italywithkids #italyiloveyou #italy❤️ #italylovers #travelwithkids #kidsonholiday
Some people think there are hundreds of towns in C Some people think there are hundreds of towns in Cinque Terre. But the experts will agree that there’s EXACTLY either four or six. Having been there, and being an expert on all things travel, I can confirm there are six. Have you been? If so, which is your favorite? Is it: 1) Monterosso al Mare 2) Vernazza 3) Corniglia 4) Manarola 5) Riomaggiore or 6) Monterosso al Mare Each time I go, I’m only able to visit exactly five of them, unfortunately. 😕 Three times, though, I went once to Monterosso al Mare two times in a day. 😃 Feeling both defeated by my last Reel (that no one saw) and desperate for attention, I humbly submit this short video with a trendy song to the Instagram gods. Please have mercy on me oh holy ones. 🙏🏻 #cinqueterreitaly #cinqueterra #cinqueterre #italyig #italywithkids #italiansummer #kidsonholiday #adventurefam #travelwithkids #wherethekidsroam
If I must do Reels to stay relevant, I suppose I’ll just make silly little videos that (probably) only I find enjoyable. 🤷🏼‍♂️😃😅 Good luck reading it all! 😜 Did anyone else grow up watching the A-Team?? #ateam #theateam #babarracus #mrst #badattitude #travelwithkids #travelfamily #aroundtheworldpics #travelgram #familyfriendlytravel #familytravel #exploremore
New Instagram feature alert 🚨!! Simply, go to “Post”, select a photo (this part will be confusing), write a bunch of stuff no one will read (this will be easy), and don’t - repeat, don’t - add any trendy music (this might be the most confusing part of all). It’s called a photo. A still photo. You can now post one. Sure, no one will see it, but it will take you back to a simpler time. When we were all free to create and view the accounts of people we willingly chose to follow. 🥰🤩🥳#makeinstagramgreatagain This is Alberobello, a city full of these buildings called trulli. I drove all the way to southern Italy to see these. On an unrelated note, my wife thinks I make a lot of bad decisions. 😅 #alberobello #alberobellotrulli #trulli #trullo #pugliagram #puglialovers #pugliaview #trullidialberobello #trullilovers #trullonation
I mean, swimming in this amazing, warm, crystal-cl I mean, swimming in this amazing, warm, crystal-clear water was nice and all. But without little red worms to accompany me, like in the thermal springs of Saturnia, I just kinda felt dead inside. 😕🤷🏼‍♂️🪱 #runningtheme #gotworms Have you even heard of this place - Giglio island? It must be where that awful movie Gigli (that I did not see and know nothing about) with my good friends Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez was filmed. Clearly. Have you seen it? The movie, that is. Forget the island. The island is inconsequential. Only Ben and Jennifer matter. Only Bennifer matters. Only. Bennifer. Matters. 🫠 #giglioisland #giglio #islagiglio #isolagiglio #italianwater #italyvacation #tyrrheniansea #dronewater #italydrone #reelsdrone #paradiseitaly #travelfam
I tell my wife every damn day that my dream is to I tell my wife every damn day that my dream is to just lie around and do nothing. But then I book a very long trip where we frantically sightsee in the morning, stressfully work the rest of the day, and then barely sleep at night. On repeat. My anxiety level on a daily basis is about a 9.7 (but if you knew me this isn’t a surprise). Anyhow, I’m just going to pretend that we truly have mastered the art of il dolce far niente on this trip. See the above video as evidence. 😬🫠🫥 Do you feel relaxed on vacation? Or do you end up more tired than when you started? #italywithkids #italiansummer #ildolcefarniente #italianstallion #kidsonholiday #holidayswithkids #travelfam #travelersnotebook #traveltogether #travelfamilies #travelfamilylife #italysummer #italiansummer
Week two of our trip and I was afraid I had just m Week two of our trip and I was afraid I had just made the fourth worst investment of my year (NFTs, crypto, and a reverse vasectomy being the others, obviously). I just didn’t get the appeal of the Sorrento area at all. Four days in and we were bored, over the driving, sick of the food, done with the tourists, and no one seemed nice. We missed Spain. So when I got to Positano, I was really grumpy. Parking/driving was a mess (btw: two-lane roads in Europe are what we call one-way roads in the US). It seemed like the only thing to do was go to the beach (I’ve reached my threshold for beach days with kids this year). And everything was super expensive (€1,629 for five beach chairs). But then I lied down on my beach chair made of pure gold and took a nap. Apparently, I’ve just been tired this whole time. Who knew? 😅 Positano turned out to be an absolute dream. 😍 #positanobeach #italywithkids #holidayswithkids #travelwithkids #kidsinitaly #italiandream #positanowithkids #italykids @sugar__kids @lornamurray_ @bonmot_organic #beachkids #italysummer #italiansummer
Perfect Pompeii Itinerary* SAVE THIS REEL!! Day Perfect Pompeii Itinerary* SAVE THIS REEL!! Day 1: Run, just fucking run! That’s all you should do. You see that giant volcano over there? Yeah, that one. It’s gonna kill you if you don’t run (Well, actually, there’s also a nice wine bar in front of the house of Holconius Rufus if you have time and enjoy tasting a good, full-bodied red). Day 2: See Day 1, above. Day 3: Dude, you’re dead. I thought I told you. * Note: Itinerary only applicable for the year 79AD. I have no idea what you should really do in 2022 🤷🏼‍♂️ Try the pizza baked over coals that are suspiciously in the shape of bodies? No? Too soon? 😬 #momentomori #yesialwaysjokeaboutdeathbecauseimterrifiedofit Seriously, we loved Pompeii, even with all the people and heat. The kids had been reading about it for months and they all (well, mostly all) found it fascinating. Also, something so tragic turned into a good lesson for our youngest, who is now convinced he will burn in lava if he acts up. It’s called good parenting 🤫 Have you been? #pompeii #vesuvius #pompeia #pompéia #travelwithkids #holidayswithkids #adventuremore #adventurefamily #napolipix #pompeiiitaly #pompei
I’m just finished taping an episode of Dr. Phil I’m just finished taping an episode of Dr. Phil called “Help, my wife keeps getting younger with age, I think I married a witch.” I spoke at length about all the red flags that concern me greatly. For example, she sometimes floats in water (means you’re a witch), but also, sometimes she doesn’t float in water (also means you’re a witch). Plus she has this crazy ability to put me into a zombie-like trance simply by telling me about her day. Oh, and, sometimes her hair makes a devil-horn shape, even when there’s no wind (see above). And one night I’m pretty sure I caught her stealing my soul (and will to live). Yeah, Dr. Phil and I unpacked a lot. Edit: I meant “bitch” not witch. 🤦🏼‍♂️ Damn autocorrect 😕 Oh, btw, Sorrento was meh to us. It seemed like one big, crowded outdoor shopping mall. Four days into our stay near Sorrento - where we only had bad food and people yelling at our kids - and I literally told my wife, I don’t think I like Italy anymore. But then we went to Positano and Ravello and…wow 🤯😍 #sorrentocoast #sorrentocoast_ #sorrentoitaly #travelwithkids #kidsonholiday @holidayswithkids #holidayswithkids #takeyourkidsanywhere #adventuringwithkids #italywithkids #italyfamily
This photo was taken just before five in the morni This photo was taken just before five in the morning. By 5:25, several small red worms that swim in these warm, sulphuric waters had successfully located all of my discrete orifices and made me their host. By 5:45, my new partners and I had given birth to dozens of wormlet larvae. I tell you this because we’re having a baby shower next Saturday. You’re all invited. Finger foods and light refreshments will be served. I hope you can all attend. #blessed #expecting If you missed my stories about this place, the above won’t make much sense. It’s beautiful, yes, but the small red worms that inhabit the place made some of us (I’m looking at you, girls 👀) a bit too nervous to stay in. Kids loved it. 10/10 recommended. Oh, and, by 6:15, this picture would’ve looked like a Where’s Waldo picture, only you’d have to find all the hidden Instagram influencers (hint: it was everyone pictured. All of them. All 248 people (most in full makeup with eyelash extensions) along with four drones flying about). It was really quite peaceful, like you’d expect at remote hot springs. 😍 Have you been (infected by worms) before? #travelwithkids #italyiloveyou #italylovers #italytourism #italy🇮🇹❤️ #discoveritaly #amazingshots_italy
Our kids are well versed in the school of adventur Our kids are well versed in the school of adventure. So it's only appropriate they have the right shoes to do it all. Introducing the new Adventure and Back to School lines of Crocs. ❤️🐊👟 @crocs #CrocsAd #adventurefamily #travelfamily #exploremore #travelwithkids #crocscharms #crocsandsocks #crocskids #crocsshoes #familyabroad #travellife #spainexpats #expatfamily
In order to live a fulfilling, joyful life, I trul In order to live a fulfilling, joyful life, I truly believe you have to constantly live in the present moment. That’s why I ignored my kids this morning to make a video from footage I had leftover from a trip we took two years ago. 😃 #travelfamily #travelwithkids #majorcaisland #mallorca🌴 #mallorcaparadise #mallorcalovers #familytravelling #kidsonvacation #allanwatts
This account is a vanity project, we all know that This account is a vanity project, we all know that. However, in an effort to be of some value to my loyal dopamine boosters, I’m providing guides on where to stage the best shots at Instagrammable places. Today’s location is Peña Palace in Sintra, Portugal. •Slide 1: Southeast side of the palace. There’s something about this exact spot where kids will go fucking crazy and start (continue?) annoying their mother. Photograph the chaos so you can laugh at your wife’s obvious frustration later. •Slide 2: Inner courtyard, also known as the open-air nap space. Note: This shot requires at least one semi-hibernating child. •Slide 3: West side, in the middle. Here, your sullen child will give some sort of unimportant proclamation, like “I’m no longer eating peas” or “I want an emancipation from my parents.” If you can properly tune them out, you can get a great shot of their subsequent and fully expected resignation to their current state of affairs. •Slide 4: Just north of slide 3 location. Lighting is always a problem, right? The good thing about this spot is the sunlight absolutely fucking smashes off of a nearby wall, all but assuring your kids will be properly lit AND partially blinded for the next hour or so. •Slide 5: Basically the entrance. Thousands of people will be here so I wouldn’t even bother. I got the shot, sorta, but this took 7hrs. of waiting and 5hrs. of Photoshop. •Slide 6: East side courtyard. The fact this is a dead end and not a cliff to fall off of will confuse the tourbus lemmings, so the spot will be clear. •Slide 7: Position your child on this south side wall in front of penis graffiti for the best smile when telling them they’re standing in front of penis graffiti. •Slide 8: South wall, just after my family drew some penis graffiti. •Slide 9: Middle courtyard, west wall. This spot is the same temperature as Dec. in Antarctica so your family will huddle together for survival, which makes for an interesting shot. •Slide 10: The “Can someone help me? My child is dying!” location is also where the blinding light location is. Your kids will feel like they’re dying after being blinded by the light, which makes this an easy and natural shot.
We always heard about the winds of Tarifa, but nev We always heard about the winds of Tarifa, but never really experienced them until last weekend. The low point was when God decided I had too much to drink and sent a gust of wind to snatch the margarita right outta my hand. 😞 Luckily, it landed on my wife sooooo it wasn’t toooootally wasted. 🤷🏼‍♂️ Other than a corneal abrasion from the sand, smiting from a vengeful god, and the inability to walk eastward at any given time, Tarifa is actually pretty amazing when it’s windy. 100% recommend. And by 100% I mean, like, 5%.* 😃 Have you been? #tarifabeach #tarifaspain #tarifakitesurf #tarifa #tarifalovers #tarifaturismo #travelwithkids #kidsonholiday #southernspain #andaluzia * Obviously, if you love kitesurfing (and a high chance of disembowelment), this is your jam. Me, I’m a baby 😐
Three years here in Spain and not much exciting ha Three years here in Spain and not much exciting has happened, I’d say. I kinda want all our useless possessions back…😕👎🏻 #spainexpats #expatfamily #expatkids #familytravel #travelwithkids #holidayswithkids #exploremore #spainkids
I’m less than 5 minutes away from completing my I’m less than 5 minutes away from completing my 45th journey around the sun. 😮‍💨🥳 And, I must say, all in all, I’m taking this whole “aging” thing really well. Well, you be the judge. Here’s a video of my wife bathing in a pool of my tears while I (off camera) fruitlessly search for my lost hair, metabolism, and dignity. It’s going really, really well (I keep telling myself). 😒😔🙄 Anyhow, let’s switch this up and make it a positive post. Anyone have fun summer plans they want to share? I mean, I’ll probably die before the summer is over because I’m really, really old now. But my dying wish is to know where your youthful bones will be going on vacation while I sit alone (and ignored) in my rocking chair under the weight of two heavy wool blankets (because I have thin skin) staring into an empty void while muttering to myself an endless list of missed opportunities while my family loudly spews lies about me (e.g. that I’m being overdramatic). Again, I’m, ummm, taking this whole “aging” thing really, really well. 😅🤞🏻 I kid. I absolutely love my birthday and I promise you I won’t die until the day is finally recognized as the worldwide holiday it was always meant to be. 👏🏻👏🏻🥳🥰💃🏼🇪🇸 #45lefttogo #maybemore #sevilla #seville #spainvacations #expatslife #sevillagram #sevillaespaña #giraldadesevilla #giralda
Just your daily reminder to breathe. We all have t Just your daily reminder to breathe. We all have to do it at least once today, so you might as well get it over with now. 😮‍💨 The spot in the video is Meteora, Greece. It houses monasteries built high up on the rocks in the fourteenth century so monks could play video games and watch football without their wives nagging them. This is probably a good time to tell you I was a history major in college and I wrote all my papers by cutting and pasting Wikipedia entries, so you can totally believe everything I write. 👌🏻😀 #meteora #greecestagram #greecereels #greecelover #greecetravelgr1_ #greecetrip #greecemoments #greecelife #meteoragreece
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About Me?

About Me?

I am a father, husband, world traveler, and unsolicited masseur. My wife thought that last description was creepy and untrue until she received an unexpected massage. After that, she just thought it was creepy. I love non sequiturs. Cake and children are equally delicious. When not around children who are screaming and crying, I like to read books. I have not read a book in eight years.

  • Flying High with Royal Jordanian

  • 1001 BTMs – #1 Walking Down the al-Sīq to the Treasury in Petra

  • 1001 Beautiful Travel Moments

  • One of the Best Countries to Take Kids – Vietnam

  • My Favorite Instagram Captions – Country Fact Edition (The Last One Will Blow Your Mind)

  • How to Disappear Completely (Yet Let Everyone Know You’re Living Your Best Life in Spain)

  • Rho Takes a Break

  • Our Gap Year Part II: Fiji

  • Our Gap Year Or: How I Learned To Love Sleeping In Hostel Twin Beds And Taking Cold Showers

  • How to Get the Fuck off the Hamster Wheel and Live Again: A Guide to Dropping out of Society and Forging your Own Path

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wherethekidsroam
Per Instagram rules, I’m supposed to write “PO Per Instagram rules, I’m supposed to write “POV” (Point of View) and then something relevant to the videos. I don’t really understand what this means (as you can clearly see). 🤷🏼‍♂️ So, I’m really binary about places we visit - I either love ‘em or hate ‘em. Well…I loved Plitvice. It’s the perfect mix of beauty and activity. You’ll walk a lot. A lot a lot, which is great. But even better, if you get there at 7am, you’ll have the park to yourself. Around noon, however, you’ll wonder why it takes an hour in a tightly-packed line of people to walk 50 meters just to see water dripping off a high rock. But still, it’s great. Do it. Oh, but as an aside, f*[k wasps. I was stung for the first time in my life by a wasp in the park (in my left hand). And, literally, while at lunch 20 minutes later, I was telling my wife how much worse a wasp sting is than a bee sting and, in the most dramatic way possible, telling her I’d probably die if I got stung twice in a row. Just then, I felt a bug on my left leg and when I brushed it off, I quickly found out it was a wasp and the f*[k€r stung me (again, in my left hand). I died a little that day, I really did. ☹️🐝🔫 #plitvicenationalpark #croatiatravel #croatiafulloflife #plitvicelakesnationalpark #plitvicefullexperience #croatiafullofmagic #croatiafullofnature #croatia🇭🇷
When my wife told me she hated the UNESCO (@unesco When my wife told me she hated the UNESCO (@unesco) World Heritage site of Alberobello (@visit_alberobello), it was such a relief to me. Because for years she’s told me she hates my face. But now I understand she just hates objectively beautiful things. 😃🫦✨ I’m kidding, I’m kidding. She was appalled when I showed her this caption (“I never said I hated Alberobello!”). 😒 So, our whole trip to Puglia, Italy centered around visiting these very beautiful structures called trulli (trullo-singular). And it was fine. They were fine. Just fine. Everything is fine. That’s the best I can say. Expect an imaginary blog post in the future titled -“Alberobello was Absolutely Adequate and Should be Added to the Top One Million Things to see Before you Die.” 😃😅✌🏻 For those of you who don’t appreciate honesty, I’ve got an alternate, fluffy, impossibly positive caption that’s similar to what you’ll find everywhere else - “I was lost. Struggling each morning to figure out which smoothie recipe to make in my craftsman-style house overlooking the Pacific Ocean in sunny Southern California. I needed to get away. Find myself. Fall in love with myself again. And so I went to southern Italy. There, I’d wake up each morning, stare at the ocean, make my smoothie, and just think about how grateful I was that a simple, $12,000 trip could turn everything around. I think trips like this would solve everyone’s problems. Don’t you agree?” #coffeelover #smoothiebowls #eatpraylove #findingmyself #homeisinsideyou #prayforparis #savethekoalas #stopthefires
After what felt like an eternity in the scorching After what felt like an eternity in the scorching sun, we still didn’t get a good photo of all five of us. Or maybe we did. I don’t remember. It’s all a blur. Heat stroke make brain do funny things. Anyhow, I can’t recommend Matera enough. It feels like an Italian desert Middle East holy land club resort world. Trapped in the past and yet very modern, very chic. Like you can get the plague in the morning and recover from it later that afternoon in your five-star hotel’s ancient-cave day spa. Like you can get your Cavatelli pasta with broccoli rabe and a side of cholera from a world-renowned Michelin star chef stricken with leprosy. You know. It’s not that way, but it feels that way. 10/10 recommend. Best cholera we’ve had so far on the trip. 👌🏻👍🏻✅ #matera #italyadventures #italywithkids #materaitaly #materaphotography #materazzi #materaitaly #italyfamilyvacation #italyfamilyvacation #italiansummer
Going to Matera, Italy - the opening location of t Going to Matera, Italy - the opening location of the last James Bond movie - made me feel JUST like James Bond. You know, if James Bond worked a desk job, had a dad bod, drove a seven-seater SUV (without standard-issue flamethrowers), lived a relatively uninteresting life full of angst and meaninglessness while fully consumed in an assiduous but ultimately vain and unsuccessful pursuit of anything resembling earnest attention, and had a wife and kids that expected him to be loving (and present). Yup, just like James Bond. Actually, I’ve just decided, I’m throwing my name in the hat for becoming the next Bond. If selected, I promise 100% less action but 1000% more relatability. The movie will basically just be two hours of me driving, lost on impossibly narrow European roads, while kids vomit in the backseat and my wife pleads with me to stop for a bathroom break while I pretend not to hear her all the while repeatedly muttering “wow, we’re really making good time” like a g*dd*mn madman. Who wouldn’t want to see that movie I say? 😃 Matera was also the filming location of The Passion of the Christ. Just be glad you didn’t read my original caption…😬😅 #materaitaly #italywithkids #italyiloveyou #italy❤️ #italylovers #travelwithkids #kidsonholiday
Some people think there are hundreds of towns in C Some people think there are hundreds of towns in Cinque Terre. But the experts will agree that there’s EXACTLY either four or six. Having been there, and being an expert on all things travel, I can confirm there are six. Have you been? If so, which is your favorite? Is it: 1) Monterosso al Mare 2) Vernazza 3) Corniglia 4) Manarola 5) Riomaggiore or 6) Monterosso al Mare Each time I go, I’m only able to visit exactly five of them, unfortunately. 😕 Three times, though, I went once to Monterosso al Mare two times in a day. 😃 Feeling both defeated by my last Reel (that no one saw) and desperate for attention, I humbly submit this short video with a trendy song to the Instagram gods. Please have mercy on me oh holy ones. 🙏🏻 #cinqueterreitaly #cinqueterra #cinqueterre #italyig #italywithkids #italiansummer #kidsonholiday #adventurefam #travelwithkids #wherethekidsroam
If I must do Reels to stay relevant, I suppose I’ll just make silly little videos that (probably) only I find enjoyable. 🤷🏼‍♂️😃😅 Good luck reading it all! 😜 Did anyone else grow up watching the A-Team?? #ateam #theateam #babarracus #mrst #badattitude #travelwithkids #travelfamily #aroundtheworldpics #travelgram #familyfriendlytravel #familytravel #exploremore
New Instagram feature alert 🚨!! Simply, go to “Post”, select a photo (this part will be confusing), write a bunch of stuff no one will read (this will be easy), and don’t - repeat, don’t - add any trendy music (this might be the most confusing part of all). It’s called a photo. A still photo. You can now post one. Sure, no one will see it, but it will take you back to a simpler time. When we were all free to create and view the accounts of people we willingly chose to follow. 🥰🤩🥳#makeinstagramgreatagain This is Alberobello, a city full of these buildings called trulli. I drove all the way to southern Italy to see these. On an unrelated note, my wife thinks I make a lot of bad decisions. 😅 #alberobello #alberobellotrulli #trulli #trullo #pugliagram #puglialovers #pugliaview #trullidialberobello #trullilovers #trullonation
I mean, swimming in this amazing, warm, crystal-cl I mean, swimming in this amazing, warm, crystal-clear water was nice and all. But without little red worms to accompany me, like in the thermal springs of Saturnia, I just kinda felt dead inside. 😕🤷🏼‍♂️🪱 #runningtheme #gotworms Have you even heard of this place - Giglio island? It must be where that awful movie Gigli (that I did not see and know nothing about) with my good friends Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez was filmed. Clearly. Have you seen it? The movie, that is. Forget the island. The island is inconsequential. Only Ben and Jennifer matter. Only Bennifer matters. Only. Bennifer. Matters. 🫠 #giglioisland #giglio #islagiglio #isolagiglio #italianwater #italyvacation #tyrrheniansea #dronewater #italydrone #reelsdrone #paradiseitaly #travelfam
I tell my wife every damn day that my dream is to I tell my wife every damn day that my dream is to just lie around and do nothing. But then I book a very long trip where we frantically sightsee in the morning, stressfully work the rest of the day, and then barely sleep at night. On repeat. My anxiety level on a daily basis is about a 9.7 (but if you knew me this isn’t a surprise). Anyhow, I’m just going to pretend that we truly have mastered the art of il dolce far niente on this trip. See the above video as evidence. 😬🫠🫥 Do you feel relaxed on vacation? Or do you end up more tired than when you started? #italywithkids #italiansummer #ildolcefarniente #italianstallion #kidsonholiday #holidayswithkids #travelfam #travelersnotebook #traveltogether #travelfamilies #travelfamilylife #italysummer #italiansummer
Week two of our trip and I was afraid I had just m Week two of our trip and I was afraid I had just made the fourth worst investment of my year (NFTs, crypto, and a reverse vasectomy being the others, obviously). I just didn’t get the appeal of the Sorrento area at all. Four days in and we were bored, over the driving, sick of the food, done with the tourists, and no one seemed nice. We missed Spain. So when I got to Positano, I was really grumpy. Parking/driving was a mess (btw: two-lane roads in Europe are what we call one-way roads in the US). It seemed like the only thing to do was go to the beach (I’ve reached my threshold for beach days with kids this year). And everything was super expensive (€1,629 for five beach chairs). But then I lied down on my beach chair made of pure gold and took a nap. Apparently, I’ve just been tired this whole time. Who knew? 😅 Positano turned out to be an absolute dream. 😍 #positanobeach #italywithkids #holidayswithkids #travelwithkids #kidsinitaly #italiandream #positanowithkids #italykids @sugar__kids @lornamurray_ @bonmot_organic #beachkids #italysummer #italiansummer
Perfect Pompeii Itinerary* SAVE THIS REEL!! Day Perfect Pompeii Itinerary* SAVE THIS REEL!! Day 1: Run, just fucking run! That’s all you should do. You see that giant volcano over there? Yeah, that one. It’s gonna kill you if you don’t run (Well, actually, there’s also a nice wine bar in front of the house of Holconius Rufus if you have time and enjoy tasting a good, full-bodied red). Day 2: See Day 1, above. Day 3: Dude, you’re dead. I thought I told you. * Note: Itinerary only applicable for the year 79AD. I have no idea what you should really do in 2022 🤷🏼‍♂️ Try the pizza baked over coals that are suspiciously in the shape of bodies? No? Too soon? 😬 #momentomori #yesialwaysjokeaboutdeathbecauseimterrifiedofit Seriously, we loved Pompeii, even with all the people and heat. The kids had been reading about it for months and they all (well, mostly all) found it fascinating. Also, something so tragic turned into a good lesson for our youngest, who is now convinced he will burn in lava if he acts up. It’s called good parenting 🤫 Have you been? #pompeii #vesuvius #pompeia #pompéia #travelwithkids #holidayswithkids #adventuremore #adventurefamily #napolipix #pompeiiitaly #pompei
I’m just finished taping an episode of Dr. Phil I’m just finished taping an episode of Dr. Phil called “Help, my wife keeps getting younger with age, I think I married a witch.” I spoke at length about all the red flags that concern me greatly. For example, she sometimes floats in water (means you’re a witch), but also, sometimes she doesn’t float in water (also means you’re a witch). Plus she has this crazy ability to put me into a zombie-like trance simply by telling me about her day. Oh, and, sometimes her hair makes a devil-horn shape, even when there’s no wind (see above). And one night I’m pretty sure I caught her stealing my soul (and will to live). Yeah, Dr. Phil and I unpacked a lot. Edit: I meant “bitch” not witch. 🤦🏼‍♂️ Damn autocorrect 😕 Oh, btw, Sorrento was meh to us. It seemed like one big, crowded outdoor shopping mall. Four days into our stay near Sorrento - where we only had bad food and people yelling at our kids - and I literally told my wife, I don’t think I like Italy anymore. But then we went to Positano and Ravello and…wow 🤯😍 #sorrentocoast #sorrentocoast_ #sorrentoitaly #travelwithkids #kidsonholiday @holidayswithkids #holidayswithkids #takeyourkidsanywhere #adventuringwithkids #italywithkids #italyfamily
This photo was taken just before five in the morni This photo was taken just before five in the morning. By 5:25, several small red worms that swim in these warm, sulphuric waters had successfully located all of my discrete orifices and made me their host. By 5:45, my new partners and I had given birth to dozens of wormlet larvae. I tell you this because we’re having a baby shower next Saturday. You’re all invited. Finger foods and light refreshments will be served. I hope you can all attend. #blessed #expecting If you missed my stories about this place, the above won’t make much sense. It’s beautiful, yes, but the small red worms that inhabit the place made some of us (I’m looking at you, girls 👀) a bit too nervous to stay in. Kids loved it. 10/10 recommended. Oh, and, by 6:15, this picture would’ve looked like a Where’s Waldo picture, only you’d have to find all the hidden Instagram influencers (hint: it was everyone pictured. All of them. All 248 people (most in full makeup with eyelash extensions) along with four drones flying about). It was really quite peaceful, like you’d expect at remote hot springs. 😍 Have you been (infected by worms) before? #travelwithkids #italyiloveyou #italylovers #italytourism #italy🇮🇹❤️ #discoveritaly #amazingshots_italy
Our kids are well versed in the school of adventur Our kids are well versed in the school of adventure. So it's only appropriate they have the right shoes to do it all. Introducing the new Adventure and Back to School lines of Crocs. ❤️🐊👟 @crocs #CrocsAd #adventurefamily #travelfamily #exploremore #travelwithkids #crocscharms #crocsandsocks #crocskids #crocsshoes #familyabroad #travellife #spainexpats #expatfamily
In order to live a fulfilling, joyful life, I trul In order to live a fulfilling, joyful life, I truly believe you have to constantly live in the present moment. That’s why I ignored my kids this morning to make a video from footage I had leftover from a trip we took two years ago. 😃 #travelfamily #travelwithkids #majorcaisland #mallorca🌴 #mallorcaparadise #mallorcalovers #familytravelling #kidsonvacation #allanwatts
This account is a vanity project, we all know that This account is a vanity project, we all know that. However, in an effort to be of some value to my loyal dopamine boosters, I’m providing guides on where to stage the best shots at Instagrammable places. Today’s location is Peña Palace in Sintra, Portugal. •Slide 1: Southeast side of the palace. There’s something about this exact spot where kids will go fucking crazy and start (continue?) annoying their mother. Photograph the chaos so you can laugh at your wife’s obvious frustration later. •Slide 2: Inner courtyard, also known as the open-air nap space. Note: This shot requires at least one semi-hibernating child. •Slide 3: West side, in the middle. Here, your sullen child will give some sort of unimportant proclamation, like “I’m no longer eating peas” or “I want an emancipation from my parents.” If you can properly tune them out, you can get a great shot of their subsequent and fully expected resignation to their current state of affairs. •Slide 4: Just north of slide 3 location. Lighting is always a problem, right? The good thing about this spot is the sunlight absolutely fucking smashes off of a nearby wall, all but assuring your kids will be properly lit AND partially blinded for the next hour or so. •Slide 5: Basically the entrance. Thousands of people will be here so I wouldn’t even bother. I got the shot, sorta, but this took 7hrs. of waiting and 5hrs. of Photoshop. •Slide 6: East side courtyard. The fact this is a dead end and not a cliff to fall off of will confuse the tourbus lemmings, so the spot will be clear. •Slide 7: Position your child on this south side wall in front of penis graffiti for the best smile when telling them they’re standing in front of penis graffiti. •Slide 8: South wall, just after my family drew some penis graffiti. •Slide 9: Middle courtyard, west wall. This spot is the same temperature as Dec. in Antarctica so your family will huddle together for survival, which makes for an interesting shot. •Slide 10: The “Can someone help me? My child is dying!” location is also where the blinding light location is. Your kids will feel like they’re dying after being blinded by the light, which makes this an easy and natural shot.
We always heard about the winds of Tarifa, but nev We always heard about the winds of Tarifa, but never really experienced them until last weekend. The low point was when God decided I had too much to drink and sent a gust of wind to snatch the margarita right outta my hand. 😞 Luckily, it landed on my wife sooooo it wasn’t toooootally wasted. 🤷🏼‍♂️ Other than a corneal abrasion from the sand, smiting from a vengeful god, and the inability to walk eastward at any given time, Tarifa is actually pretty amazing when it’s windy. 100% recommend. And by 100% I mean, like, 5%.* 😃 Have you been? #tarifabeach #tarifaspain #tarifakitesurf #tarifa #tarifalovers #tarifaturismo #travelwithkids #kidsonholiday #southernspain #andaluzia * Obviously, if you love kitesurfing (and a high chance of disembowelment), this is your jam. Me, I’m a baby 😐
Three years here in Spain and not much exciting ha Three years here in Spain and not much exciting has happened, I’d say. I kinda want all our useless possessions back…😕👎🏻 #spainexpats #expatfamily #expatkids #familytravel #travelwithkids #holidayswithkids #exploremore #spainkids
I’m less than 5 minutes away from completing my I’m less than 5 minutes away from completing my 45th journey around the sun. 😮‍💨🥳 And, I must say, all in all, I’m taking this whole “aging” thing really well. Well, you be the judge. Here’s a video of my wife bathing in a pool of my tears while I (off camera) fruitlessly search for my lost hair, metabolism, and dignity. It’s going really, really well (I keep telling myself). 😒😔🙄 Anyhow, let’s switch this up and make it a positive post. Anyone have fun summer plans they want to share? I mean, I’ll probably die before the summer is over because I’m really, really old now. But my dying wish is to know where your youthful bones will be going on vacation while I sit alone (and ignored) in my rocking chair under the weight of two heavy wool blankets (because I have thin skin) staring into an empty void while muttering to myself an endless list of missed opportunities while my family loudly spews lies about me (e.g. that I’m being overdramatic). Again, I’m, ummm, taking this whole “aging” thing really, really well. 😅🤞🏻 I kid. I absolutely love my birthday and I promise you I won’t die until the day is finally recognized as the worldwide holiday it was always meant to be. 👏🏻👏🏻🥳🥰💃🏼🇪🇸 #45lefttogo #maybemore #sevilla #seville #spainvacations #expatslife #sevillagram #sevillaespaña #giraldadesevilla #giralda
Just your daily reminder to breathe. We all have t Just your daily reminder to breathe. We all have to do it at least once today, so you might as well get it over with now. 😮‍💨 The spot in the video is Meteora, Greece. It houses monasteries built high up on the rocks in the fourteenth century so monks could play video games and watch football without their wives nagging them. This is probably a good time to tell you I was a history major in college and I wrote all my papers by cutting and pasting Wikipedia entries, so you can totally believe everything I write. 👌🏻😀 #meteora #greecestagram #greecereels #greecelover #greecetravelgr1_ #greecetrip #greecemoments #greecelife #meteoragreece
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The fine print: Every travel story is a complete fabrication. Truth is, I've never even left the United States (nor do I have a wife or kids).