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Where the Kids Roam

  • Central America Guatemala Travel Tales

    Searching for Maximón

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  • Adventures with Kids Caribbean Travel Tales

    Why Traveling with Kids is Hell (and Why I’ll Continue to Do It)

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  • Asia Nepal Travel Tales

    Death in Asia, Part II – The Himalayas

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  • Asia Nepal Travel Tales

    Death in Asia, Part I – Kathmandu

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  • Adventures with Kids Europe Travel Tales

    Winter in Europe…With a Baby

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  • Annoying Experiences Egypt Travel Tales

    How Hard is it to see Pyramids? Honestly.

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  • Adventures with Kids Vietnam

    One of the Best Countries to Take Kids – Vietnam

    Vietnam is As always, this blog post only represents my particular experience. You obviously, had, or will have, a different experience in Vietnam. For any comments in this blog entry you deem unfairly negative,…

  • Instagram

    My Favorite Instagram Captions – Country Fact Edition (The Last One Will Blow Your Mind)

    Put away those books. I’m here to learn you alllls about the world we live in. Wow your friends with the below factual-ish tidbits.            View this post on Instagram…

  • Expat Life Spain

    How to Disappear Completely (Yet Let Everyone Know You’re Living Your Best Life in Spain)

    Moving to Spain and leaving your normal life behind is a simple, 28-step process. I’ll explore that process, below, in waaaaaaay more depth than you could ever possibly care about. Step 1: Choose an…

  • Adventures in Parenting Adventures with Kids

    Rho Takes a Break

    Because life is exhausting. …

  • Archives Fiji

    Our Gap Year Part II: Fiji

    This is a story from our archives. It’s part two in a series recounting our 14-month trip around the world. If you haven’t read part one, go there now. Or don’t. It doesn’t really matter.…

  • Archives

    Our Gap Year Or: How I Learned To Love Sleeping In Hostel Twin Beds And Taking Cold Showers

    This from the vault – the archives, if you will. I was very fortunate to recover our old blog that came out at a time when blogging wasn’t really a thing. I like to…

  • Annals of Philosophy

    How to Get the Fuck off the Hamster Wheel and Live Again: A Guide to Dropping out of Society and Forging your Own Path

    The first couple of chapters of a book I'll never finish....…

  • Annals of Adventure Expat Adventures Spain

    An Average Day in Mandatory Lockdown #CoronovirusEdition

    What to do when you're forced to do things you've never wanted to do.…

  • family standing holding hands in stone alley way
    Adventures with Kids Europe Mediterranean

    A Terribly Brief Overview of Malta, Which in no Way Should be Used for Planning Your Own Trip

    Go to Malta, especially if it's cheap to get there. This is a direct command.…

  • Adventures in Parenting Annals of Love

    Rules For My Daughter Navigating Sexual Assault

    Rule #1: Never be alone with a boy. Rule #2: Never be alone with a boy and his best friend (who will vouch for his friend regardless). Rule #3: Never, ever, ever be alone…

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wherethekidsroam
In a life full of wrong turns, poor judgment, and In a life full of wrong turns, poor judgment, and missed opportunities, I somehow ended up exactly where I always wanted to be. Happy Easter everyone. Save this post, then share on Facebook and forward to 15 friends and tag someone you’d want to be here with to enter my raffle to be eligible for my giveaway for a chance to be featured at the bottom corner of my stories which will put you in the running for a shoutout in one of my Reels promoting hand lotion in 2024. Good luck everyone. Where will you go this summer when the pandemic will definitely be over and we’ll be mouth-kissing strangers again? 🤞🏻
Happy (looking at calendar and checking to see wha Happy (looking at calendar and checking to see what’s trending on Instagram)...umm...International Women’s Day 🎉🥳 Women are, by far (BY FAR!), my favorite gender. Well, make that top three. 🤔 Enjoy your day chicas. Except, when is that lunch gonna be ready? I’m hungry. 🤤 Kidding, of course. But not about how hungry I am @socal_to_sevilla 👈🏻🥘 #chopchop I hate that I have to say this, but...you all know I’m joking, right? 😬🙄 Pictured: my two faves 👩‍👧💕 #visitseville #visitspain #sevillaespaña #sevillespain🇪🇸 #spaingirls #womensday2021 #internationalwomensday2021 #travelfamilies
Happy Chinese New Year 🧧#lunarnewyear #yearofth Happy Chinese New Year 🧧#lunarnewyear #yearoftheox #springfestival #chinesenewyear China is one of my absolute favorite countries to visit. But, if I told you half of the crazy shit we saw when we were there, this post would be flagged, removed, and I’d never get to go back. So I’m saying nothing 🤐 However, I will (safely) say some highlights/lowlights included: Seeing Michael Phelps @m_phelps00 dominate in the olympics. Having the entire US Men’s Olympic basketball team cut in front of us in line to take toboggans(?) down the Great Wall. Kind of a dick move @dwyanewade and @cp3 Just sayin’ 😒😂😜 #usa #1 #inline #wheredidyouhavetobe #rushhour Also, China was the place of our biggest travel disappointment. One day we hiked, in the pouring rain, on slippery rocks, for hours just to get near the top of Mount Huashan #mthuashan only to find that there was a gondola on the other side of the mountain taking up tourists in flip flops. 😕👎🏻And then, to compound things, we were turned away from the toughest part of the hike (one of the world’s most dangerous hikes) due to the “danger” involved. Sigh 🤦🏼‍♂️😣 #nexttime #fivesacredmountains
Five days, five countries I swore I was going to d Five days, five countries I swore I was going to die in. Day 5, Jordan 🇯🇴 Surprise! More stomach issues. Between all the parasites and subsequent antibiotics over the years, I imagined my intestines looked very much like old, cracked pvc pipes replete with calcium buildup and soap scum. Let that image sink in. So, knowing we wouldn’t be home for many months (we were on a 14-month trip), I decided to do the smart thing and see a doctor about my issues. I walked into a hospital and quickly and easily saw an amiable, English-speaking German doctor. We got along famously. Well, we did until he decided to shove a scope (or was it a sword? 🤔) the entire length of my intestines in me with no form of medication whatsoever. I quickly discovered there’s a reason they sedate people for these. At the end of it all, as I was limping out of what I like to call the “Pit of Despair”, Captain Obvious said to me, “Yes, you had a parasite.” “Gee, thanks”, I replied. “I’ve learned so much.” 😒 But I love Jordan and would totally go back (since I’m due for a checkup). ✌🏻 #visitjordan #jordania🇯🇴 #jordanian #jordanpetra #seejordan #ammanjordan #deadseajordan
Five days, five countries I swore I was going to d Five days, five countries I swore I was going to die in. Day four: Peru 🇵🇪 This one isn’t as dramatic as the others. But I got some stomach bug at our remote Amazon lodge and the sheer remoteness made me have one of my patented drama-queen panic attacks. You really had to be there. But, in my defense, the pain was awful and there was no medicine at the lodge and we were about an hour-and-a-half boat ride just to get us to a dirt road that would take us an hour just to make it back to one of the most isolated big cities in the world (Iquitos has no REAL roads going in or out of it)! So, yeah, I swore I would die there. But the lodge sent someone who brought me medicine six or seven hours later...so, yeah, here I am. 😅 (btw, I went back to my very, very old blog to confirm all of this, but I never wrote anything about this, so maybe this is all in my head 🤷🏼‍♂️🤦🏼‍♂️). Anyhow, in the Amazon: we swam with pink, freshwater dolphins; I caught a cayman 🐊at night with my bare hands; we saw numerous sloths 🦥 (my fave animal); we drank questionable hooch 🥃from a grimy, makeshift, local “distillery” we wished we’d never seen 🤢 (this probably cured me though); we fished for (and ate) piranhas 👎🏻; we ate the best mangos 🥭 of our lives👍🏻; and we held an anaconda the local villagers caught the day before 🐍. All this while being attacked by unrelenting mosquitoes 🦟. And I’m not exaggerating when I say we’d have hundreds of mosquitoes on our bodies at once and they were even strong enough to bite us through our jeans and an extra layer of pants on underneath. They were truly savage. Another Peru highlight was hiking the Salkantay trail to Machu Picchu. There were no altitude problems 😉, but my rented hiking boots didn’t fit me very well, so I hiked a good portion of the trail barefoot. Oh! And the first night of the hike we were so cold and wet in our tent that we zipped our sleeping bags together and held each other all night, shivering, and didn’t sleep a single minute. Good times. 😃 I love Peru and would totally go back! #perutrip #peru🇵🇪 #peruamazon #amazonforest #machupichu #peruadventure
Five days, five countries I swore I was going to d Five days, five countries I swore I was going to die in. Day 3: Guatemala 🇬🇹 Guatemala is my absolute favorite Central America country to be wailing in pain while alone in a cheap, dirty hotel room after I sent my wife out of the room in order to avoid the embarrassment of her seeing me, a grown ass man, embarrassingly wailing in pain. The problem is...she left and I didn’t have medicine yet. Obviously, I was so mad at her for listening to me (for once) and deserting me (as usual). So, with all the power and resolve I still had, I dragged myself outside, walking down a dusty road, completely buckled over in pain, saying, “necesito drogas” to any drug dealer/pharmacist who would listen. Pro tip: cocaine does not cure stomach parasites (kidding, it was heroin and it totally does. Double kidding 😬 It’s a joke, chill). But I love Guatemala and would totally go back! 😍 These are super, super old photos btw. But we were really stoked with our 4.2 megapixel throw-away camera at the time 🙃🙂🙃🙂🙃🙂🙃🙂 Don’t judge... #guatemala🇬🇹 #guategram #guatelinda #guatelove #instaguate #exploraguatemala #therealguatemala
Five days, five countries I swore I was going to d Five days, five countries I swore I was going to die in. Day 2: India 🇮🇳 So, after my almost-dying-in Nepal post the other day, someone wrote me something along the lines of, “Well, I hope the rest of your trip was enjoyable.” Unfortunately, the answer to that is, “No. Nope. NO IT WAS NOT!” Because, after Nepal, we immediately flew to India. And I was so sick from a parasite in India that I was ACTUALLY wishing I was back up in the Himalayas without oxygen. It was almost like India watched how sick Nepal made me, that it said, “Oh yeah? You think that was bad? Hold my beer...”. Highlights/Lowlights: It was 108 degrees Fahrenheit (42 Celsius) or more each day. Which means every tourist, not just me, looked like they had the diarrhea sweats. I’m kidding, of course. There were no other tourists dumb enough to go to India in June, just us 🤦🏼‍♂️; My experience resulted in a 10-year aversion to Indian food. No joke. And I love Indian food. It’s just I had to reintroduce it slowly and painfully...e.g. Take a bite of naan, dry heave; Take a bite of chana masala, open the window for some fresh air; Take a bite of palak paneer, die inside; However, I was eventually able to develop an iPhone app that sends partially-debilitating electric shocks through your body as a friendly reminder anytime you’re in New Delhi and get further than a one-minute Olympic-style speed walk away from a public restroom. Granted, the early versions would just paralyze you and make you shit your pants (meaning, you weren’t really worse off), but we worked it out eventually. 👍🏻😅 #loveindia #incredibleindia
Five days, five countries I swore I was going to d Five days, five countries I swore I was going to die in. Day 1: Nepal 🇳🇵 Reason: Hiking at elevation without properly acclimatizing (because the airline lost our luggage...luggage we waited days for but never fully came. Thus, we were days behind schedule and I was way too confident in how easily we could make up the time 🤦🏼‍♂️). Worst part about it: My wife was fine. Better than fine, actually. Like, annoying fine (and healthy). Like, jogging-up-hills-while-I-contemplated-jumping-off-suspension-bridges fine 😒 Conclusion: If anyone tells you high altitude pulmonary edema (HAPE) is nothing to worry about, you slap that person in the face for me, ok? It feels like your head and heart are about to simultaneously explode...and that feeling never stops and you’re afraid to sleep in fear you won’t wake up and you can’t walk up hills or stairs without almost passing out and you can’t breathe and your heart is constantly in an anaerobic state and you have no appetite and you can actually feel the fluid rolling around your brain and you go mental because you still have to hike all day for days on end feeling like this and omg I’m having flashbacks and hyperventilating now. But I loved Nepal and can’t wait to go back 😃 Stay tuned for tomorrow’s entry showcasing more of my weakest moments. ✌🏻🙃😘 #nepaltravel #himalayasarecalling #nepalnow #nepalisbeautiful #nepaldiaries #nepalgram #nepaltourism #nepaltrekking #nepaliloveyou
I had several New Year resolutions this year. All I had several New Year resolutions this year. All of which I’ve, so far, completely failed to uphold. For example, I swore I’d make January a “dry” month. But then the capitol riots happened and it seemed like a good occasion to drink as democracy came crashing down. I also swore I’d stop eating the food my kids dropped on the floor, because, well, that’s gross. But I hate wasting food and I quickly realized I wouldn’t get enough calories to sustain my life unless I seized on such opportunities. So, yeah. Simultaneously, I also said I’d quit Instagram because it’s evil and makes me (and everyone else) unhappy AND YET I said I’d actually start posting more pics because I have exactly 152,212 photos (for real, I counted) sitting on storage devices and they’re just wasting away instead of making other people unhappy by unfairly comparing their day-to-day lives to my greatest hits, director’s cut life. So, in an effort to rectify this all, I’m posting a picture now, jumping OFF Instagram right after, not drinking, and not eating floor treats today. #winning ✌🏻 EDIT: fuck, forgot it’s Friday. I’m definitely getting drunk and eating off the floor tonight. 🙁
I can’t believe we’re going to wake up tomorro I can’t believe we’re going to wake up tomorrow and this nightmare will all be over. 🥳 This means I can: finally burn the mask I wear that gave me eczema on my face perfectly in the shape of the mask I wear; go back to being coughed on by people in small elevators who like to cough on me while making eye contact; comfortably use my t-shirt to wipe off the butt sweat of somebody who just used the shoulder press machine before me at the gym; and allow myself to linger uncomfortably on full-frontal hugs with people I just met. It’ll be just like old times again. 😳#isthishowitworks #newyear #goodbye2020 #backtonormal • Seriously, did anyone else notice the lack of common colds, the flu, whooping cough, impetigo, norovirus, dengue, and Ebola that our kids usually bring home from school each winter? I kinda miss dengue and rapid weight loss if I’m being honest. But are we ever going to give up masks and social distancing now? 🤔😱😑 • I heard today that loneliness is equivalent to smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. That means, by my calculations, I roughly smoked 300 packs of cigarettes this year. I suppose I should resolve to stop smoking, but I don’t feel I can do it alone. 😔🙂🙃 • Happy New Year everyone 🎇 🍾 #2020won
Merry Christmas from the six of us! 🎄👨‍👩‍👧‍👦👨‍👦
The trick to shooting landscapes when your annoyin The trick to shooting landscapes when your annoying family keeps jumping into the picture is just to dress them so that they blend in with the background. #problemsolved #phototips • I’m not great at starting conversations, but I’ll try. Where do? I mean, what? Well, that is. Umm. How do you go to? I mean, where you go when COVID go bye bye? What country? Please respond so that I can ignore your answer and then randomly reply eight weeks later at 3am your time. #badatinstagram • Ok, gotta run. Our chat has been fun. Back to trying to learn how to (enjoy) TikTok. I can’t wait to get all my trendy entertainment needs satiated in 15 second doses. I hear the trend this week involves people ripping out other people’s hair so that it makes a popping sound (no joke). I can’t wait. I have so much to learn from the youth. • #portugaltravel #lisbonlife #lisbonalive #lisbonportugal🇵🇹 #travelfamilyblog #familyvacation #familyvacay #portugalpassion #portugalvisuals #portugal_lovers @visitportugal
Some of the best moments in life happen when your Some of the best moments in life happen when your wife won’t exit the car because it’s too hot outside. 😘 @socal_to_sevilla • #spitzkoppe #namibia #travelwithkids #tripadvisorkids #roaminggnome #familytravel #hikingwithkids #wanderfam
When we land in your country, you’ll know. @wher When we land in your country, you’ll know. @wherethekidsroam • Iceland = most beautiful country everrrrrrrrrrrrrr. • Please let me know what you think is the most beautiful country in the world (and then I’ll let you know why you’re wrong 😈😠👎🏻😾)! • #travelnomad #wanderout #wandermore #wanderlusters #wanderlustlife #braveandfreeadventures #adventureofalifetime #adventuregram
I thought 2020 was going to be the year I got ever I thought 2020 was going to be the year I got everything I wanted. But it turns out it’s just the year I’m grateful for everything I already have. • Seriously, this has been the best, and yet, toughest year of my life. The worst was losing that major, lucrative international modeling job because I’m short and unattractive 😒😅 • Btw, if you go to Namibia (and you should), you have to stay with @gondwanalodges They treated me like the beautiful princess I am 🙋🏼‍♂️
If I didn’t read the news each day, I’d swear If I didn’t read the news each day, I’d swear this was the best year of my life. 😒🤔😃 #happinessnow #enlightenmentnow • I have this giant wheel of captions in my house (it’s about the size of the wheel on Wheel of Fortune...a bit overkill, I know). And every 4-10 days I’m forced to spin the wheel in a pathetic effort to stay relevant (do people even read IG posts anymore? Or has everyone moved onto Reels, Stories, TikTok, or, god forbid, actually have a real life? 😱). Mostly the wheel lands on “make fun of wife”, “make fun of influencers”, “make fun of self”, or, sometimes, unfortunately, “make joke that will cancel me”. But today, for some godawful reason, it landed on “be positive.” 🤮 This is my poor effort to do so. • Being alive now > being a famous dead person. Remember that. This means you and I are greater than Alexander the Great🤴🏻#greaterthangreat #greatfulness • 2+0+2+0=4 pretty much sums up 2020, no? #technicallytrue • In the end, we have such little, precious time on this earth. Thus, I think you should just take a moment to tell me how much you love me and how grateful you are to have me in your life. I think it will help us both (especially me). Namaste. 🙏🏻😃🙌🏻 • #wanderfam #madbadtraveldad #traveldad #travelfam #wanderlust #holidayswithkids #exploremore #getoutside #wandering #vacaykids
Anyone who knows me knows what a negative, fatalis Anyone who knows me knows what a negative, fatalistic, cynical ass I am. So, here’s my attempt to be positive. I am positive we’re all going to die (very soon). Happy Friday!! 🥳 • This is a picture of my kids impatiently awaiting the rapture. 😒 • Where in your house do you plan on sobbing uncontrollably when the end times are upon us? 💀 • I literally read/watched so much this week by @garyvee about how I’m supposed to put out positive, uplifting content. And this is what I came up with 😬🤷🏼‍♂️ #ineedhelp 😂 • Hashtag hashtag hashtag that won’t do anything hashtag hashtag hashtag hashtag hashtag taghash taghash hashytaggy hashy mctagster #bali
Happiest of birthdays to my youngest. Even though Happiest of birthdays to my youngest. Even though he weighs more than his older siblings, and even though he acts like he’s their fraternity big brother, and, well, even though the dirt he brings into our lives on a daily basis is slowly killing us, he’s still our baby and always will be. 👶🏻💕😍🥳🤩 #happybirthday #cumpleañosfeliz • #mallorca #mallorca🌴 #holidayswithkids #travelfamily #wanderfam #familytravel #familytravels
This is basically me watching the US presidential This is basically me watching the US presidential election results right now. Only with way more anxiety and way less enjoyment. #usa🇺🇸 • Will it be over soon? Will democracy survive? Will people respect us again? Will the sun rise tomorrow? Can I safely drink any more alcohol than I already am? • #wanderfam #balilife #bali🌴 #baliindonesia #balitrip #traveldad #travelfam #wanderlust #holidayswithkids #exploremore #getoutside #wandering #vacaykids
Here’s a photo of somewhere that looks fairly Eu Here’s a photo of somewhere that looks fairly Europe-y. It was probably taken in the capital of Europe, or something like that. Like, the city of Malta in the country of Paris. I dunno. So, yeah, there you go. You’re welcome. Don’t say I never gave you anything. #geologylesson • Btw, looks like Europe is going to lock down again soon. Tell me your favorite place in Europe that you’ll never, ever get to see again and why you have tears in your eyes right now👇🏻🙀😉😘 • #wanderfam #traveldad #travelfam #wanderlust #holidayswithkids #exploremore #getoutside #wandering #vacaykids #traveladdict #travellife #travelphoto #travelpics #traveldiaries #travelbug #TravelAwesome #travelpic #travelers #travelstoke #travelgirl #traveldiary #traveldeeper #travellingthroughtheworld #travellers #travelph #travelersnotebook #travelmore
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About Me

About Me

I am a father, husband, world traveler, and unsolicited masseur. My wife thought that last description was creepy and untrue until she received an unexpected massage. After that, she just thought it was creepy. I love non sequiturs. Cake and children are equally delicious. When not around children who are screaming and crying, I like to read books. I have not read a book in seven years.

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wherethekidsroam
In a life full of wrong turns, poor judgment, and In a life full of wrong turns, poor judgment, and missed opportunities, I somehow ended up exactly where I always wanted to be. Happy Easter everyone. Save this post, then share on Facebook and forward to 15 friends and tag someone you’d want to be here with to enter my raffle to be eligible for my giveaway for a chance to be featured at the bottom corner of my stories which will put you in the running for a shoutout in one of my Reels promoting hand lotion in 2024. Good luck everyone. Where will you go this summer when the pandemic will definitely be over and we’ll be mouth-kissing strangers again? 🤞🏻
Happy (looking at calendar and checking to see wha Happy (looking at calendar and checking to see what’s trending on Instagram)...umm...International Women’s Day 🎉🥳 Women are, by far (BY FAR!), my favorite gender. Well, make that top three. 🤔 Enjoy your day chicas. Except, when is that lunch gonna be ready? I’m hungry. 🤤 Kidding, of course. But not about how hungry I am @socal_to_sevilla 👈🏻🥘 #chopchop I hate that I have to say this, but...you all know I’m joking, right? 😬🙄 Pictured: my two faves 👩‍👧💕 #visitseville #visitspain #sevillaespaña #sevillespain🇪🇸 #spaingirls #womensday2021 #internationalwomensday2021 #travelfamilies
Happy Chinese New Year 🧧#lunarnewyear #yearofth Happy Chinese New Year 🧧#lunarnewyear #yearoftheox #springfestival #chinesenewyear China is one of my absolute favorite countries to visit. But, if I told you half of the crazy shit we saw when we were there, this post would be flagged, removed, and I’d never get to go back. So I’m saying nothing 🤐 However, I will (safely) say some highlights/lowlights included: Seeing Michael Phelps @m_phelps00 dominate in the olympics. Having the entire US Men’s Olympic basketball team cut in front of us in line to take toboggans(?) down the Great Wall. Kind of a dick move @dwyanewade and @cp3 Just sayin’ 😒😂😜 #usa #1 #inline #wheredidyouhavetobe #rushhour Also, China was the place of our biggest travel disappointment. One day we hiked, in the pouring rain, on slippery rocks, for hours just to get near the top of Mount Huashan #mthuashan only to find that there was a gondola on the other side of the mountain taking up tourists in flip flops. 😕👎🏻And then, to compound things, we were turned away from the toughest part of the hike (one of the world’s most dangerous hikes) due to the “danger” involved. Sigh 🤦🏼‍♂️😣 #nexttime #fivesacredmountains
Five days, five countries I swore I was going to d Five days, five countries I swore I was going to die in. Day 5, Jordan 🇯🇴 Surprise! More stomach issues. Between all the parasites and subsequent antibiotics over the years, I imagined my intestines looked very much like old, cracked pvc pipes replete with calcium buildup and soap scum. Let that image sink in. So, knowing we wouldn’t be home for many months (we were on a 14-month trip), I decided to do the smart thing and see a doctor about my issues. I walked into a hospital and quickly and easily saw an amiable, English-speaking German doctor. We got along famously. Well, we did until he decided to shove a scope (or was it a sword? 🤔) the entire length of my intestines in me with no form of medication whatsoever. I quickly discovered there’s a reason they sedate people for these. At the end of it all, as I was limping out of what I like to call the “Pit of Despair”, Captain Obvious said to me, “Yes, you had a parasite.” “Gee, thanks”, I replied. “I’ve learned so much.” 😒 But I love Jordan and would totally go back (since I’m due for a checkup). ✌🏻 #visitjordan #jordania🇯🇴 #jordanian #jordanpetra #seejordan #ammanjordan #deadseajordan
Five days, five countries I swore I was going to d Five days, five countries I swore I was going to die in. Day four: Peru 🇵🇪 This one isn’t as dramatic as the others. But I got some stomach bug at our remote Amazon lodge and the sheer remoteness made me have one of my patented drama-queen panic attacks. You really had to be there. But, in my defense, the pain was awful and there was no medicine at the lodge and we were about an hour-and-a-half boat ride just to get us to a dirt road that would take us an hour just to make it back to one of the most isolated big cities in the world (Iquitos has no REAL roads going in or out of it)! So, yeah, I swore I would die there. But the lodge sent someone who brought me medicine six or seven hours later...so, yeah, here I am. 😅 (btw, I went back to my very, very old blog to confirm all of this, but I never wrote anything about this, so maybe this is all in my head 🤷🏼‍♂️🤦🏼‍♂️). Anyhow, in the Amazon: we swam with pink, freshwater dolphins; I caught a cayman 🐊at night with my bare hands; we saw numerous sloths 🦥 (my fave animal); we drank questionable hooch 🥃from a grimy, makeshift, local “distillery” we wished we’d never seen 🤢 (this probably cured me though); we fished for (and ate) piranhas 👎🏻; we ate the best mangos 🥭 of our lives👍🏻; and we held an anaconda the local villagers caught the day before 🐍. All this while being attacked by unrelenting mosquitoes 🦟. And I’m not exaggerating when I say we’d have hundreds of mosquitoes on our bodies at once and they were even strong enough to bite us through our jeans and an extra layer of pants on underneath. They were truly savage. Another Peru highlight was hiking the Salkantay trail to Machu Picchu. There were no altitude problems 😉, but my rented hiking boots didn’t fit me very well, so I hiked a good portion of the trail barefoot. Oh! And the first night of the hike we were so cold and wet in our tent that we zipped our sleeping bags together and held each other all night, shivering, and didn’t sleep a single minute. Good times. 😃 I love Peru and would totally go back! #perutrip #peru🇵🇪 #peruamazon #amazonforest #machupichu #peruadventure
Five days, five countries I swore I was going to d Five days, five countries I swore I was going to die in. Day 3: Guatemala 🇬🇹 Guatemala is my absolute favorite Central America country to be wailing in pain while alone in a cheap, dirty hotel room after I sent my wife out of the room in order to avoid the embarrassment of her seeing me, a grown ass man, embarrassingly wailing in pain. The problem is...she left and I didn’t have medicine yet. Obviously, I was so mad at her for listening to me (for once) and deserting me (as usual). So, with all the power and resolve I still had, I dragged myself outside, walking down a dusty road, completely buckled over in pain, saying, “necesito drogas” to any drug dealer/pharmacist who would listen. Pro tip: cocaine does not cure stomach parasites (kidding, it was heroin and it totally does. Double kidding 😬 It’s a joke, chill). But I love Guatemala and would totally go back! 😍 These are super, super old photos btw. But we were really stoked with our 4.2 megapixel throw-away camera at the time 🙃🙂🙃🙂🙃🙂🙃🙂 Don’t judge... #guatemala🇬🇹 #guategram #guatelinda #guatelove #instaguate #exploraguatemala #therealguatemala
Five days, five countries I swore I was going to d Five days, five countries I swore I was going to die in. Day 2: India 🇮🇳 So, after my almost-dying-in Nepal post the other day, someone wrote me something along the lines of, “Well, I hope the rest of your trip was enjoyable.” Unfortunately, the answer to that is, “No. Nope. NO IT WAS NOT!” Because, after Nepal, we immediately flew to India. And I was so sick from a parasite in India that I was ACTUALLY wishing I was back up in the Himalayas without oxygen. It was almost like India watched how sick Nepal made me, that it said, “Oh yeah? You think that was bad? Hold my beer...”. Highlights/Lowlights: It was 108 degrees Fahrenheit (42 Celsius) or more each day. Which means every tourist, not just me, looked like they had the diarrhea sweats. I’m kidding, of course. There were no other tourists dumb enough to go to India in June, just us 🤦🏼‍♂️; My experience resulted in a 10-year aversion to Indian food. No joke. And I love Indian food. It’s just I had to reintroduce it slowly and painfully...e.g. Take a bite of naan, dry heave; Take a bite of chana masala, open the window for some fresh air; Take a bite of palak paneer, die inside; However, I was eventually able to develop an iPhone app that sends partially-debilitating electric shocks through your body as a friendly reminder anytime you’re in New Delhi and get further than a one-minute Olympic-style speed walk away from a public restroom. Granted, the early versions would just paralyze you and make you shit your pants (meaning, you weren’t really worse off), but we worked it out eventually. 👍🏻😅 #loveindia #incredibleindia
Five days, five countries I swore I was going to d Five days, five countries I swore I was going to die in. Day 1: Nepal 🇳🇵 Reason: Hiking at elevation without properly acclimatizing (because the airline lost our luggage...luggage we waited days for but never fully came. Thus, we were days behind schedule and I was way too confident in how easily we could make up the time 🤦🏼‍♂️). Worst part about it: My wife was fine. Better than fine, actually. Like, annoying fine (and healthy). Like, jogging-up-hills-while-I-contemplated-jumping-off-suspension-bridges fine 😒 Conclusion: If anyone tells you high altitude pulmonary edema (HAPE) is nothing to worry about, you slap that person in the face for me, ok? It feels like your head and heart are about to simultaneously explode...and that feeling never stops and you’re afraid to sleep in fear you won’t wake up and you can’t walk up hills or stairs without almost passing out and you can’t breathe and your heart is constantly in an anaerobic state and you have no appetite and you can actually feel the fluid rolling around your brain and you go mental because you still have to hike all day for days on end feeling like this and omg I’m having flashbacks and hyperventilating now. But I loved Nepal and can’t wait to go back 😃 Stay tuned for tomorrow’s entry showcasing more of my weakest moments. ✌🏻🙃😘 #nepaltravel #himalayasarecalling #nepalnow #nepalisbeautiful #nepaldiaries #nepalgram #nepaltourism #nepaltrekking #nepaliloveyou
I had several New Year resolutions this year. All I had several New Year resolutions this year. All of which I’ve, so far, completely failed to uphold. For example, I swore I’d make January a “dry” month. But then the capitol riots happened and it seemed like a good occasion to drink as democracy came crashing down. I also swore I’d stop eating the food my kids dropped on the floor, because, well, that’s gross. But I hate wasting food and I quickly realized I wouldn’t get enough calories to sustain my life unless I seized on such opportunities. So, yeah. Simultaneously, I also said I’d quit Instagram because it’s evil and makes me (and everyone else) unhappy AND YET I said I’d actually start posting more pics because I have exactly 152,212 photos (for real, I counted) sitting on storage devices and they’re just wasting away instead of making other people unhappy by unfairly comparing their day-to-day lives to my greatest hits, director’s cut life. So, in an effort to rectify this all, I’m posting a picture now, jumping OFF Instagram right after, not drinking, and not eating floor treats today. #winning ✌🏻 EDIT: fuck, forgot it’s Friday. I’m definitely getting drunk and eating off the floor tonight. 🙁
I can’t believe we’re going to wake up tomorro I can’t believe we’re going to wake up tomorrow and this nightmare will all be over. 🥳 This means I can: finally burn the mask I wear that gave me eczema on my face perfectly in the shape of the mask I wear; go back to being coughed on by people in small elevators who like to cough on me while making eye contact; comfortably use my t-shirt to wipe off the butt sweat of somebody who just used the shoulder press machine before me at the gym; and allow myself to linger uncomfortably on full-frontal hugs with people I just met. It’ll be just like old times again. 😳#isthishowitworks #newyear #goodbye2020 #backtonormal • Seriously, did anyone else notice the lack of common colds, the flu, whooping cough, impetigo, norovirus, dengue, and Ebola that our kids usually bring home from school each winter? I kinda miss dengue and rapid weight loss if I’m being honest. But are we ever going to give up masks and social distancing now? 🤔😱😑 • I heard today that loneliness is equivalent to smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. That means, by my calculations, I roughly smoked 300 packs of cigarettes this year. I suppose I should resolve to stop smoking, but I don’t feel I can do it alone. 😔🙂🙃 • Happy New Year everyone 🎇 🍾 #2020won
Merry Christmas from the six of us! 🎄👨‍👩‍👧‍👦👨‍👦
The trick to shooting landscapes when your annoyin The trick to shooting landscapes when your annoying family keeps jumping into the picture is just to dress them so that they blend in with the background. #problemsolved #phototips • I’m not great at starting conversations, but I’ll try. Where do? I mean, what? Well, that is. Umm. How do you go to? I mean, where you go when COVID go bye bye? What country? Please respond so that I can ignore your answer and then randomly reply eight weeks later at 3am your time. #badatinstagram • Ok, gotta run. Our chat has been fun. Back to trying to learn how to (enjoy) TikTok. I can’t wait to get all my trendy entertainment needs satiated in 15 second doses. I hear the trend this week involves people ripping out other people’s hair so that it makes a popping sound (no joke). I can’t wait. I have so much to learn from the youth. • #portugaltravel #lisbonlife #lisbonalive #lisbonportugal🇵🇹 #travelfamilyblog #familyvacation #familyvacay #portugalpassion #portugalvisuals #portugal_lovers @visitportugal
Some of the best moments in life happen when your Some of the best moments in life happen when your wife won’t exit the car because it’s too hot outside. 😘 @socal_to_sevilla • #spitzkoppe #namibia #travelwithkids #tripadvisorkids #roaminggnome #familytravel #hikingwithkids #wanderfam
When we land in your country, you’ll know. @wher When we land in your country, you’ll know. @wherethekidsroam • Iceland = most beautiful country everrrrrrrrrrrrrr. • Please let me know what you think is the most beautiful country in the world (and then I’ll let you know why you’re wrong 😈😠👎🏻😾)! • #travelnomad #wanderout #wandermore #wanderlusters #wanderlustlife #braveandfreeadventures #adventureofalifetime #adventuregram
I thought 2020 was going to be the year I got ever I thought 2020 was going to be the year I got everything I wanted. But it turns out it’s just the year I’m grateful for everything I already have. • Seriously, this has been the best, and yet, toughest year of my life. The worst was losing that major, lucrative international modeling job because I’m short and unattractive 😒😅 • Btw, if you go to Namibia (and you should), you have to stay with @gondwanalodges They treated me like the beautiful princess I am 🙋🏼‍♂️
If I didn’t read the news each day, I’d swear If I didn’t read the news each day, I’d swear this was the best year of my life. 😒🤔😃 #happinessnow #enlightenmentnow • I have this giant wheel of captions in my house (it’s about the size of the wheel on Wheel of Fortune...a bit overkill, I know). And every 4-10 days I’m forced to spin the wheel in a pathetic effort to stay relevant (do people even read IG posts anymore? Or has everyone moved onto Reels, Stories, TikTok, or, god forbid, actually have a real life? 😱). Mostly the wheel lands on “make fun of wife”, “make fun of influencers”, “make fun of self”, or, sometimes, unfortunately, “make joke that will cancel me”. But today, for some godawful reason, it landed on “be positive.” 🤮 This is my poor effort to do so. • Being alive now > being a famous dead person. Remember that. This means you and I are greater than Alexander the Great🤴🏻#greaterthangreat #greatfulness • 2+0+2+0=4 pretty much sums up 2020, no? #technicallytrue • In the end, we have such little, precious time on this earth. Thus, I think you should just take a moment to tell me how much you love me and how grateful you are to have me in your life. I think it will help us both (especially me). Namaste. 🙏🏻😃🙌🏻 • #wanderfam #madbadtraveldad #traveldad #travelfam #wanderlust #holidayswithkids #exploremore #getoutside #wandering #vacaykids
Anyone who knows me knows what a negative, fatalis Anyone who knows me knows what a negative, fatalistic, cynical ass I am. So, here’s my attempt to be positive. I am positive we’re all going to die (very soon). Happy Friday!! 🥳 • This is a picture of my kids impatiently awaiting the rapture. 😒 • Where in your house do you plan on sobbing uncontrollably when the end times are upon us? 💀 • I literally read/watched so much this week by @garyvee about how I’m supposed to put out positive, uplifting content. And this is what I came up with 😬🤷🏼‍♂️ #ineedhelp 😂 • Hashtag hashtag hashtag that won’t do anything hashtag hashtag hashtag hashtag hashtag taghash taghash hashytaggy hashy mctagster #bali
Happiest of birthdays to my youngest. Even though Happiest of birthdays to my youngest. Even though he weighs more than his older siblings, and even though he acts like he’s their fraternity big brother, and, well, even though the dirt he brings into our lives on a daily basis is slowly killing us, he’s still our baby and always will be. 👶🏻💕😍🥳🤩 #happybirthday #cumpleañosfeliz • #mallorca #mallorca🌴 #holidayswithkids #travelfamily #wanderfam #familytravel #familytravels
This is basically me watching the US presidential This is basically me watching the US presidential election results right now. Only with way more anxiety and way less enjoyment. #usa🇺🇸 • Will it be over soon? Will democracy survive? Will people respect us again? Will the sun rise tomorrow? Can I safely drink any more alcohol than I already am? • #wanderfam #balilife #bali🌴 #baliindonesia #balitrip #traveldad #travelfam #wanderlust #holidayswithkids #exploremore #getoutside #wandering #vacaykids
Here’s a photo of somewhere that looks fairly Eu Here’s a photo of somewhere that looks fairly Europe-y. It was probably taken in the capital of Europe, or something like that. Like, the city of Malta in the country of Paris. I dunno. So, yeah, there you go. You’re welcome. Don’t say I never gave you anything. #geologylesson • Btw, looks like Europe is going to lock down again soon. Tell me your favorite place in Europe that you’ll never, ever get to see again and why you have tears in your eyes right now👇🏻🙀😉😘 • #wanderfam #traveldad #travelfam #wanderlust #holidayswithkids #exploremore #getoutside #wandering #vacaykids #traveladdict #travellife #travelphoto #travelpics #traveldiaries #travelbug #TravelAwesome #travelpic #travelers #travelstoke #travelgirl #traveldiary #traveldeeper #travellingthroughtheworld #travellers #travelph #travelersnotebook #travelmore
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