Good ol’ Lonely Planet
So, as everyone already knows, Lonely Planet is shit. They cornered the market on guides for foreign countries for so long – yet they were producing outdated, uninteresting, fairly-useless drivel. For a long time I carried around these huge brick-like books which were supposed to be useful for navigating such impenetrable, exotic locations as “New York” or “Hong Kong” (wherever those made-up places are). Although the business model was great, I tend to believe that even Lonely Planet knew that its product was lacking.
In 2008, Lonely Planet came under some fire when it was revealed that one of its writers wrote about a country he hadn’t even been to. It was also in 2008, while staring at a single, standing, stone doorframe alone in an empty field that was recommended by my very recent Lonely Planet guide on Egypt as one of the top restaurants in Luxor that I first thought, “My God, this book is full of shit.” I probably should have had this thought when I showed up at the Great Pyramids of Giza a few days earlier only to get turned away because they were closed hours before my Lonely Planet guide said they would be. I quickly learned not to rely on much that Lonely Planet told me.
At any rate, the market for tangible, paper books is in trouble. So Lonely Planet has moved its shit-show to the Internet. As far as I can tell, Lonely Planet now just hires independent writers to defecate out putrid Internet listicles (such as “27 Travel Tips” which reminds the reader to “Try to talk to locals” and “Keep a map handy”). Ok, maybe I’m taking this hatred on Lonely Planet too far. After all, they do have a lot of other nice articles on their website (Hi Lonely Planet, I don’t really mean anything I say – I’m happy to contribute to your wonderful books ). But how can I forget all the times I ended up lost, confused, sick, and in danger because of their misguided advice? So this next list is my homage to an average Lonely Planet listicle.
Ten Must-Dos When Traveling:
1. Leave your hotel. You might think this is crazy. After all, you just flew 10 hours to arrive at your outdated Holiday Inn located far from the popular attractions and nightlife. You might also think, “There are gross non-white, non-Americans out there.” But if you travel, I personally believe you should try to leave your hotel – even if it means leaving the delicious buffet it offers.
2. Get lost. To do this, just consult your Lonely Planet guidebook written by someone who has never seen the country you’re visiting.
3. Take photographs. But just of children. Only frightened children that you’ve followed around for hours.
4. Learn the language. Just the swear words obviously. The people at the crappy restaurant around the corner from your hotel need clear, simple, understandable cues on when they should spit in your food.
5. Breathe. But not too much. Breathing helps us live (I hear oxygen does something with our cells or cardiovascular system, I’m really not sure, I’m not a doctor). But be careful, breathing too much polluted oxygen from any non-first world country could make you sterile and herpetic or both.
6. Let the whole country know that you’re American. However long you think you can chant “U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A,” it’s really not long enough. My personal record is 18 seconds on a bus in Tehran.
7. Become a drug mule. Just hear me out for a minute. What is your biggest expense when you travel? Obviously it’s drugs. By becoming a drug mule you can get drugs for free and even make enough money to pay for your entire trip. There’s really no downside; Think about it. Now tell me what a genius I am from your prison cell in Thailand.
8. Get intimate with a local. There is no better way to reassure your return to a foreign county than conceiving a child with a local. Little known fact: over 50% of women living in third-world countries rely on aborting a child from someone like you in order to truly “feel alive.”
9. Fuck it, kill a local. Go ahead, you’ve worked hard all year, and now you’re on vacation. There’s no better way to get a feel for the city than having the blood of a local pouring out onto your sneakers (which probably cost more than that local’s life). On a related note, a good idea would be to invest in some water moccasins, or any other shoe with non-staining material, before your trip.
10. Take notes on what you’ve seen so you can become the one millionth person who’s ever taken a stab at travel writing. Please, we need more flowery prose describing the Duomo in Florence. There’s probably a good chance Lonely Planet will hire you. Hell, they’ll hire anyone (except me now).
N.B. Please everyone, hold your hate mail. It’s obviously satire – you don’t really think that I actually believe you should leave your hotel room, do you?
No Comments
This is nicely put! !
http://canadianpharmaciescubarx.com/
canadianpharmacy
canada drugs online
canada meds
trust pharmacy canada
Thank you. Great stuff!
http://talahicc.com/
price prescription drugs canadian online pharmacy candrugstore com canadian pharmacies online
canadian pharma companies
pharmacy online store
trust pharmacy canada
pharmacy price comparison
canadian pharmacy no prescription
canadian pharmacy king
Wow a lot of good material.
http://canadianonlinepharmacynnm.com/
pharmacy tech top rated canadian pharmacies online price prescription drugs canadian viagra
safeway pharmacy
get prescription online
candrugstore com
canadapharmacy
online drugs
canadianpharmacy
You said it very well..
http://canadianpharmacysilo.com/
northwestpharmacy aarp approved canadian online pharmacies best online canadian pharcharmy canadian pharmacies that ship to us
prescription drug assistance
online pharmacy no prescription needed
canadian pharmacy uk delivery
most reliable canadian pharmacies
pharmacy canada
canadadrugs.com pharmacy
You actually suggested it perfectly.
http://www.canadianpharmacymsn.com/
overseas pharmacies canada pharmacy pharmacy online canada drugs online
pharmacy online store
online pharmacy without prescription
candrugstore com
canada pharmacies online prescriptions
online drugstore
pharmacy drug store
You suggested that wonderfully!
http://canadianpharmaciesnnm.com/
canadian pharmacies online prescriptions canada drug buying prescription drugs canada canadian pharmacies
canada pharmacy online orders
pharmacy drug store
prescription online
best canadian pharmacies
canada pharmacy online
medical information online
You actually explained it wonderfully!
http://canadianpharmaciesnnm.com/
prescription drugs online without trust pharmacy canada meds online northwest pharmacy
online pharmacy no prescription
prescription drug assistance
compare rx prices
pharmacy tech
canada meds
pharmacy near me
Wow a lot of good material!
http://canadianpharmaciesnnm.com/
cheap prescription drugs online canadian online pharmacies most reliable canadian pharmacies canada pharmaceuticals online
canada pharmacies online
northwest pharmacy canada
canadian pharma companies
online pharmacy usa
canada drugs online pharmacy
cialis online
Kudos! I appreciate this!
http://canadianpharmaciesnnm.com/
legitimate canadian mail order pharmacies canada drug rx pharmacy canadian drugs
canadadrugs
canada pharmacy online
canadian pharmacy 365
online pharmacies
discount pharmaceuticals
canada online pharmacy
Cheers. I like this.
http://canadianpharmacysilo.com/
pharmacy online mexican pharmacies shipping to usa pharmacies near me canada pharmacy online
canadian rx
legitimate canadian mail order pharmacies
no prescription online pharmacy
approved canadian pharmacies online
pharmacies in canada
online pharmacy without prescription
Cheers! Very good information!
http://canadianonlinepharmacynnm.com/
northwest pharmacy canada drugs canada drugs pharmacy canadian pharmacies without an rx
buy prescription drugs from canada
candrugstore com
pharmacy prices compare
pharmacy price compare
canada drug pharmacy
best online pharmacies no prescription
Info certainly taken!!
http://canadianpharmaciesnnm.com/
best online pharmacies no prescription mexican pharmacies shipping to usa pharmacy without dr prescriptions northwest pharmacy
discount pharmacy online
canadian drugs
ed meds online
pharmacy near me
rx pharmacy
best non prescription online pharmacies
Great write ups. Regards!
http://canadianpharmaciescubarx.com/
get prescription online mexican pharmacies shipping to usa buy online prescription drugs canadian pharmaceuticals online
canadian drugstore reviews
canada pharmacy no prescription
online prescription drugs
buy prescription drugs from canada
safeway pharmacy
price prescription drugs
You made the point.
http://www.canadianpharmacymsn.com/
price prescription drugs canadian viagra get prescription online canadian pharmacies-24h
discount drugs online pharmacy
northwest pharmacy
canadadrugs.com pharmacy
global pharmacy canada
canadian pharmacies shipping to usa
trusted overseas pharmacies
Very good info. Thank you!
https://nicktambone.com/
canadian online pharmacy reviews canadianpharmacy canadian pharmacy canada pharmacy
prescription drugs online without doctor
canadian meds
drug prices comparison
canadian discount pharmacy
online canadian pharmacy
canadadrugs
You explained this effectively.
http://canadianpharmaciescubarx.com/
drug costs canadian pharmacies drugs without prescription london drugs canada
overseas pharmacy forum
canada pharmacies online pharmacy
best online pharmacy stores
cheap prescription drugs online
safeway pharmacy
northwestpharmacy
Perfectly voiced truly. .
http://canadianpharmacyntx.com/
canadian pharmacy meds canada drugs canadadrugs.com pharmacy online pharmacies of canada
legitimate online pharmacies
northwest pharmacy
pharmacy online store
canadian drugs without prescription
mexican pharmacy online medications
legitimate canadian mail order pharmacies
You suggested it wonderfully!
http://talahicc.com/
canadian pharmacy no prescription needed north west pharmacy canada international pharmacy canada pharmaceuticals online
prescription cost
the canadian pharmacy
canadian pharmacy king
pharmacy canada
canada drugs pharmacy
canada drugs online
Wonderful facts. Kudos.
http://canadianpharmaciescubarx.com/
global pharmacy canada canada pharmaceuticals online compare prescription prices canada pharmaceutical online ordering
web medical information
pharmacy without dr prescriptions
drugs online
compare rx prices
drugs for sale
canadian pharmacy no prescription
You stated that well!
http://canadianpharmacysilo.com/
legitimate online pharmacies canadian viagra canada online pharmacies online pharmacies canada
pain meds online without doctor prescription
best price prescription drugs
canada drug
walgreens pharmacy
canada pharmacies online prescriptions
my canadian pharmacy
Nicely put, Kudos.
http://www.canadianpharmacymsn.com/
canada pharmacy online canadian pharmacy online canada drug prices online pharmacies of canada
canadadrugs
medical information online
rx online
top rated online canadian pharmacies
online discount pharmacy
no prescription online pharmacy
Nicely put, Thank you.
http://talahicc.com/
online drugs canadian pharmacies that ship to us rx price comparison canadian pharmacies
online canadian discount pharmacy
discount prescription drugs online
walgreens pharmacy
prescription drugs without doctor approval
canadian prescriptions
drug stores near me
Thanks, I like it.
http://canadianpharmaciescubarx.com/
canadian prescription drugs canada drug mexican pharmacies shipping to usa canadian cialis
no prescription pharmacies
mail order pharmacy
canadian online pharmacy
canadian pharmacies online prescriptions
canada pharmacy online no script
canada pharmacies
Excellent data. With thanks!
http://talahicc.com/
canada pharmacy online reviews canadian drugs pharmacy prices canadianpharmacy
pharmacy online store
canadian online pharmacies
canada pharmacy no prescription
the canadian pharmacy
medical information online
most reliable canadian pharmacies
This is nicely expressed! !
http://canadianpharmacyntx.com/
best non prescription online pharmacies online pharmacies canada canada drug northwestpharmacy
online pharmacy usa
pharmacy tech
canadian prescription drugstore
mexican pharmacies online
online pharmacy reviews
canadian mail order pharmacies
You said it very well..
http://talahicc.com/
canada pharmacy online reviews canadian pharmacies without an rx best online pharmacy north west pharmacy canada
approved canadian pharmacies online
mexican pharmacies shipping to usa
prescription drugs without prior prescription
northwest pharmacy
no prescription pharmacies
mexican pharmacies
You said it effectively.
http://talahicc.com/
onlinecanadianpharmacy.com canada pharmacy trusted overseas pharmacies top rated canadian pharmacies online
canada pharmacy online orders
no 1 canadian pharcharmy online
prescription drugs online without
canadian pharmacy reviews
prescription drug assistance
onlinecanadianpharmacy.com
Perfectly voiced truly! !
http://canadianpharmacysilo.com/
canadian pharmacies online canada drugs online prescription price comparison canadian pharmacies-24h
northwest pharmacy
canadian meds
compare rx prices
king pharmacy
canadian discount pharmacy
board of pharmacy
Nicely put, Thank you.
http://canadianpharmaciesnnm.com/
online pharmacy canadian pharmaceuticals online buy prescription drugs canada canadian pharmacy online
compare rx prices
pharmacy canada
mexican pharmacies shipping to usa
buy cialis
the canadian pharmacy
top rated canadian pharmacies online
You mentioned it well.
http://www.canadianpharmacymsn.com/
online canadian pharmacy canada drugs online canada pharmacies online prescriptions canadian cialis
board of pharmacy
buying prescription drugs canada
safe canadian online pharmacies
prescription drug assistance
discount prescription drug
prescription drug
With thanks. Terrific stuff!
http://canadianonlinepharmacynnm.com/
online discount pharmacy canada pharmaceutical online ordering online canadian pharmacies canadian viagra
mexican pharmacy online medications
northwest pharmacy
best canadian prescription prices
northwest pharmacy canada
canadian pharmacies shipping to usa
canadian drugs
Many thanks! Fantastic stuff!
http://canadianpharmacysilo.com/
northwest pharmacy canada canadian pharmacy online canadian drug store canadian pharmaceuticals online
online pharmacy reviews
prescription online
drug stores near me
pharmacies near me
internet pharmacy
mexican pharmacy online medications
Amazing lots of very good data.
http://canadianpharmacysilo.com/
cheap prescription drugs online canada drugs best canadian mail order pharmacies canadian online pharmacy
canadian pharmacy viagra brand
canadian pharmacy uk delivery
canadadrugs.com pharmacy
canada pharmacies online prescriptions
canadian pharmacy online
canadadrugs
Superb content. Appreciate it!
http://canadianpharmacymim.com/
drugs without prescription canadianpharmacy discount pharmaceuticals canada pharmacy
drugs without prescription
approved canadian pharmacies online
canadian mail order pharmacies
prescription drugs online without doctor
global pharmacy canada
highest rated canadian pharmacies
Beneficial information. Appreciate it.
http://canadianonlinepharmacynnm.com/
canadian prescription canadian pharmacies-24h canada drugs online pharmacy aarp approved canadian online pharmacies
cialis online
safe canadian online pharmacies
meds online
overseas pharmacies
prescription drugs online without
canadian pharmacy viagra brand
Wow quite a lot of fantastic facts.
http://canadianonlinepharmacynnm.com/
canadian rx northwest pharmacy canadian pharmacy online canada canadian pharmacies online
reputable canadian mail order pharmacies
best canadian online pharmacy
canadian pharmacies online
canadian pharmacies top best
no 1 canadian pharcharmy online
no prescription pharmacies
Many thanks, Awesome information.
http://canadianpharmacyntx.com/
rx pharmacy canadianpharmacy best online pharmacy stores canadian cialis
mexican pharmacies online
canada drug prices
canadian pharmacies that ship to us
cialis canadian pharmacy
pharmacy cost comparison
international pharmacy
Helpful info. Cheers.
http://talahicc.com/
no prescription pharmacy online pharmacies of canada pharmacy prices compare online pharmacies of canada
canadian prescription
canadian rx
canadian discount pharmacy
rx pharmacy
canada drugs
buy drugs online
Appreciate it! Loads of facts.
https://nicktambone.com/
canadian pharmacy no prescription needed canadian viagra pharmacy online mexico canadianpharmacy
prescription drug cost
online prescription drugs
online pharmacies no prescription
canadian pharmacy
pharmacy price comparison
canada pharmacy online reviews
Thank you! Fantastic stuff!
https://nicktambone.com/
canadian pharmacies that are legit canadian viagra canadian online pharmacy reviews canada online pharmacies
highest rated canadian pharmacies
pharmacy online mexico
canadian drugstore online
safe canadian online pharmacies
canadian prescription drugs
overseas pharmacy forum
Well expressed indeed! .
http://canadianpharmaciesnnm.com/
canadian discount pharmacy canada drug buy drugs online canadian pharmacies-24h
overseas pharmacies
canada pharmacy online
ed meds online
drug prices comparison
approved canadian pharmacies online
prescription drug price comparison
Cheers. Quite a lot of facts!
http://canadianpharmacysilo.com/
discount pharmaceuticals canadian pharmacy canada pharmacies online prescriptions canadian cialis
best canadian mail order pharmacies
canada online pharmacies
legitimate canadian mail order pharmacies
online pharmacy usa
canadapharmacy
online discount pharmacy
Thanks. Numerous knowledge!
http://canadianpharmacymim.com/
discount prescription drug northwest pharmacy canadian cialis london drugs canada
buy prescription drugs without doctor
canadian pharmacy viagra brand
prescription online
canadapharmacyonline.com
canadian cialis
pharmacy prices
Many thanks! Quite a lot of postings.
http://canadianpharmacymim.com/
drugs online canadian pharmacies that ship to us mexican pharmacies shipping to usa online pharmacies canada
canadian pharmacy 365
online canadian pharmacies
international pharmacy
canada drug prices
top rated online canadian pharmacies
prescription drug cost
Nicely put, Thanks a lot.
http://canadianonlinepharmacynnm.com/
canadian discount pharmacy canada drugs buy online prescription drugs canadian viagra
pharmacy tech
prescription pricing
northwest pharmacy
canadian drugs
online pharmacy usa
canada online pharmacies
Nicely put, Kudos.
http://canadianpharmaciesnnm.com/
drug stores near me canada drugs canadian pharmacy no prescription canada drugs
buy drugs online
online prescription drugs
prescription drugs prices
walmart pharmacy price check
canadian prescriptions
buy cialis