Flying High with Royal Jordanian
I’m not being paid to write this, but I did receive perks and special treatment from Royal Jordanian (“RJ”, as its friends call it). So my unbiased opinion is that RJ IS THE GREATEST AIRLINE THAT EVER EXISTED! Read on for more of my impartial, unprejudiced, non-partisan, detached, neutral, objective experience with RJ. So, we started our journey with RJ in the country of Cyprus. Here is where I would tell you more about Cyprus, only we never really experienced Cyprus. We only stayed in the hotel equivalent of a halfway house in a derelict part of the city of Larnaca. I only left the hotel once, to take the kids on a prostitute-themed tour of the city. Everyone was amused, yet incredibly frightened (and I’m just talking about the prostitutes here). I have many great stories about what happened next but…Wait, why are you trying to divert me from my story? Stay focused! This is about my experience with RJ! The Cyprus airport is nice enough. And, apparently I didn’t know this before, but Larnaca, Cyprus is super close to Amman, Jordan. It’s about an hour-and-ten-minute flight. So, if you find yourself stuck in the seedy part of Larnaca, Cyprus, do yourself a favor and hop on a quick flight to Jordan. And do it with RJ. RJ, being true to its name, treated us like royalty. The check-in was smooth (the Larnaca airport didn’t appear to be very busy at all). The assistance through security was great. The airport lounge (not RJ’s, but shared by all airlines) was acceptable. Yada yada. But the flight experience with RJ is what we’re here to really talk about. And I’m the guy who usually shits all over airlines. Because, let’s be honest, airlines aren’t in the business of making us happy (I’d argue that, even in Business Class, this is true). They’re in the business of getting us from one place to the next as cheaply as possible but with juuuuuust enough comfort so that why don’t all revolt with torches and pitchforks. But RJ is no American Airlines, Delta, Spirit, British Airways, Air France, Ryanair, Aegean Airlines, WOW Airlines (are they still around?), Air China, Air Europa, I could go on. RJ actually treated us like the semi-dignified humans beings we are pretend to be. We live in the time of COVID. So air travel (any travel?) is certainly a concern during this difficult time. But RJ had all the safety features you’d expect – completely in order. First, we all had our temperatures taken right when we boarded. Second, the employees were entirely covered in safety gear (not just face, but full-body). Third, there were safety packages given to each and every one of us with all the sanitation gels, face masks, military-grade body power washers, etc. you’d expect. Plus, I mean, THEY GAVE US TEA SERVICE FOR PETE’S SAKE! Just amazing. Now, once onboard, we had a great entertainment option. I know an hour and ten minutes isn’t long, but damnit, my kids need constant entertainment (this is me shaking my head right now, aware of how I’ve failed as a parent). RJ’s “Sky Connect” was just the solution. My kids got to use their mobile devices/iPads/laptops/Kindles/personal butler robots to access a wireless link through their browsers onboard. It had a wide collection of games, movies, tv shows, and anything else that would stop them from constantly needing me to do something for them. I was all-in. What else? Oh, I just talked about a short-haul flight. What about the long-haul ones you say…? Well, we flew from Amman, Jordan back to Chicago, USA on a brilliant 787 Dreamliner. If you haven’t been on one of these, these are the airplanes that have that wonderful glow emanating from the windows. It’s so simple, so zen. It’s a wonder why all airlines don’t do this. Also, I never used to care about legroom, seat size, seat cushion, etc. But, man-oh-man, try flying across the Atlantic in the old WOW Airlines airplanes. It feels like you’re sitting in a cheap, folding lawn chair with another cheap, folding law chair pressed firmly against your knees. At any moment it could collapse in on itself, somehow crushing you under its flimsy aluminum weight, slowly suffocating the life out of you, and leading to the second-worst obituary ever (second only to the owner of the Segway company who accidentally drove his Segway off a cliff). Compared to seats like this, the 787 Dreamliner is like your grandpa’s favorite La-Z-Boy recliner. Additionally, RJ gave us a whole cake and two bottles of wine on the flight! I’ll repeat. A WHOLE CAKE…TWO BOTTLES OF WINE!! I’m not saying the same will happen to you, but, c’mon. Who does this?? I may or may not have told US customs about the wine…shhhhhhhhhh. And now that you got me on the subject of food…and before I forget…the RJ Lounge in Amman was spectacular. They had a huge spread waiting for us. A full-alcohol bar. Soft-serve yogurt. Pizza bar. Massive amounts of space to spread out into. Tame, synchronized-dancing crocodiles. Simply everything (except the crocodiles)! This was not our first trip on RJ, nor will it be the last. Thus, I officially give RJ my super-duper stamp of approval. Five emoji airplanes out of a possible five on my non-existent, made-up airline rating system. Cheers and happy flying.
1001 BTMs – #1 Walking Down the al-Sīq to the Treasury in Petra
To begin my list of beautiful travel moments (BTMs), I’m starting off with one of my premier locations – Petra in Jordan. Recall, I ranked Petra as my #2 Wonder of the World. But, my BTMs are meant to be more exact than whole locations and entire trips. They’re meant to recall small moments in time. Places where the dopamine hits high. Places where you can say, at the moment, everything is right with the world. Well, walking down the narrow pathway (al-Sīq) to the very famous Treasury in Petra was just that moment. Except for one horse-drawn cart that passed us, we had the whole walk to ourselves. Anticipation was running high. After all, my hero (and close friend), Indiana Jones came strolling through this very location. And the payoff did not disappoint. Like peering through the drapes at your very attractive neighbor…errr, I mean…like pulling back the drapes of your hotel room to see the splendor of the sun setting over the ocean while your attractive neighbor walks by…ugh. Let’s start over. The rocks look like curtains or drapes, and you get a glimpse of the magnificently-carved Treasury through these rock-drapes. In other words, the narrow passageway provides the perfect reveal – slow and dramatic. It’s perfect. And there’s just nothing like it anywhere else in the world.
Ranking the Wonders of the World
Ranking the… Wonders of the World The definitive ranking! Ranking the WOnders of the WOrld There are seven wonders of the ancient world: The Great Pyramids of Giza, The Hanging Gardens of Babylon, The Temple of Artemis at Ephesus, The Statue of Zeus at Olympia, The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus, The Colossus of Rhodes, and the Lighthouse of Alexandria. Since only one, the Great Pyramid of Giza, remains, someone (i.e. the Millennium Project and Bernard Weber) apparently took it upon themselves to hold a public vote on what should be the new Seven Wonders of the World. They started this initiative even with the knowledge that the public, in general, is stupid. Voting wrapped up in 2007 and the “winners” were announced. Egypt took the Great Pyramid out of the contest because they felt they shouldn’t have to compete for something that they already hold. It was a great point, so they were given honorary status. At any rate, since I’ve been to all seven “new” Wonders of the World, as well as the single remaining “old” Wonder, I figured I’d rank all eight. I assume I am the foremost expert on this subject. Thus, the list below is set in stone. It cannot be argued. It is not debatable. It is the final word on the subject. It is, in other words, perfect. 8. The Colosseum Why it’s ranked where it is: There are other sites better than this in Rome (e.g. the Forum, Trevi Fountain, most places that serve gelato). The arena floor of the Colosseum is missing, which totally ruins my image of gladiators fighting on it. It just looks like a hollowed-out American sports arena now. Single-handedly launched the career of Russell Crowe. 7. Christ the Redeemer Why you should visit it: The view of Rio is stunning. The statue is grand. Visiting it guarantees your passage into heaven. Why you shouldn’t go: The statue itself is not the reason to go. It’s large, which is nice, but not exactly on par – detail-wise – with Michelangelo’s David. The statue sits in the middle of a favela, so there’s more than a hint of danger. Because of the danger involved, visiting it may mean your passage to heaven happens sooner than planned. 6. Chichén Itzá Why it’s rad: Architectural marvel. Sets out to seriously prove it’s the best pyramid in the world. Close to Cancun. Amazing cenotes nearby. Mexican food abound. Rivers consisting entirely of tequila. Why it’s meh: Can no longer climb it. Fairly crowded because it’s close to Cancun. Tequila rivers perpetually contain remnants of vomit from fraternities on spring break. Interesting fact: The Mayans (Maya), generally speaking, were expert astronomers. The coolest thing about Chichén Itzá is that on the spring and fall equinoxes, the sun casts its rays on the pyramid’s balustrade, which creates the illusion of a feathered serpent that appears to be moving, or slithering, its way down the steps. 5. Machu Picchu Why it’s not #1: It’s a cold, high-elevation city of rubble. Despite repeated requests, no porter would carry me up. Why it should be #1: Those mountains. Those colors. That view. The story of being “discovered” in 1911 by Yale Professor Hiram Bingham (where would the world be without white people discovering everything?). Interesting facts: Though most stones are at least 50lbs. or more in weight, it is believed that no wheels were used to transport the stones. The stones were so expertly cut to fit together (using a technique called ashlar), that not even a blade of a knife can fit in between the stones. Oh, and, the entire city was built with Ikea instructions and Alan wrenches. 4. Great Pyramids of Giza Why it’s amazing: It’s so mysterious that scholars still somewhat disagree on how it was constructed. It’s gigantic – bigger than expected. It’s the perfect result of years of failed pyramids. Why it’s not so amazing: It borders a big city, which was unexpected. Rude locals will follow you around. Rude locals will purposely step in front of your camera. Rude locals will want to fight you. Rude locals will lie to you about whether the bathrooms are open. Hell, rude locals will even lie to you about whether the pyramids are even open. It all happened to us. 3. Taj Mahal Why it’s not #1: In my opinion, it’s located off the beaten path, in a dirty, almost unbearably-miserable city; The locals are almost more interested in you (meaning, my wife) than they are of the monument. Why it’s arguably the best Wonder of the World: It has the best backstory (doting husband builds for his wife, put the rest of men in all of history to shame); It’s brilliantly white and impeccably built; It’s just amazingly beautiful – sigh. 2. Petra Why it’s ranked so high: It’s a miracle city carved out of rock. Yeah, a full city. Not just a building or two. It’s massive. Plus, there’s a narrow slot canyon leading to the Treasury – the crown jewel of Petra. Single-handedly launched the career of Indiana Jones. Why it’s not #1: There’s no waterslide park. This would be the premier waterslide park in the world. And, yet, not waterslide park. Bummer. Interesting facts: It’s one of the oldest metropolises in the world. There are over 800 carved tombs. The Holy Grail and the bodies of numerous Nazis in search of the Grail are tucked away somewhere deep in the Treasury (Source: Indiana Jones movie). 1. The Great Wall of China Why it’s #1: It’s an architectural marvel. The entire wall, with all of its branches, measures over 13,000 miles long. It served a distinct purpose – to stop immigrants from taking the jobs of honest, hardworking Americans (maybe I’m thinking of a different wall). At the Badaling portion of the Great Wall, there is a bobsled-like ride back down to the bottom of the hill (no joke). Why maybe, just maybe, it shouldn’t be #1: The locals allow their