This is us. Well, this is the story of us (as we’re much bigger than this in real life). Actually, this is a story that’s mostly about me because I’m the one writing it (it’s called HIStory for a reason, right?). I’m…well, I’m not ready to give you my real name since I don’t know you very well. Just know that I’m an international, jet-setting male model and former astronaut. I’m also completely full of shit.

Anyhow, my wife and I met through a shared point of view – she loved me and I did too. She continuously stalked me in law school and one day, after a particularly bad waterboarding session, I relented. We’ve been inseparable ever since.

After we finished law school we traveled the world for about 14 months. And after we returned from that trip, we’ve only worked to escape once more. I suffer from frequent delusions of grandeur and my wife is mostly a saint – tolerable beyond imagination.

However, after my saintly wife forced me to do many unspeakable things against my will, we now have three lovely children. They are a continuous source of joy and frustration. Beautiful creatures that eBay has officially deemed “Not suitable for sale on our site. Please refrain from attempting to do so or we will be forced to contact the local authorities.”

See how our kids have aged us, below.