1. First, make sure to give yourself no more than 72 hours in and around Paris. There are only so many croissants you can eat; cigarettes your kids can smoke. The key is limiting life’s pleasures. 

 

2. Select the earliest morning flight out to Paris and try not to sleep at all the night before. This will ensure you’re absolutely exhausted the one day you gave yourself to see and enjoy one of the most beautiful cities in the world (the other days will be spent at Disneyland, see below). 

 

3. There’s a museum called the Louvre. Skip it. No one really knows what’s inside and it’s not your job to find out. 

 

4. Your kids will be tired. 30,000 steps is a lot in a day. Let them have the cigarette breaks they keep asking for. Science has consistently proven it’s good for growing lungs.

 

5. Spend two whole days in Disneyland Paris. This is exactly two days too long, which is perfect. 

 

6. Only go in Winter. It’ll either be raining and cold, snowing and cold, windy and cold, or just plain cold. The common denominator is cold. Remember that. Paris does it well.

 

7. Buy a beret. Take 2,497 pictures of you in your new beret in front of the Eiffel Tower. It’ll be novel. People will be jealous they didn’t think of it first. 

 

8. Role play. You’re an ambitious twenty-something marketing executive from Chicago who unexpectedly lands her dream job in Paris when her company acquired a French luxury marketing company – and you’re tasked with revamping their social media strategy. Your new life in Paris is filled with intoxicating adventures and surprising challenges as you juggle winning over your work colleagues, making friends, and navigating new romances. 

 

9. Go to Notre Dame when it’s raining. Insist on trying to go inside. When they tell you you can’t because of the fire, loudly explain to them (in English) that there can’t be fire when it’s raining. It’s your job to spread logic to the uncivilized world. 

 

10. Fly home. There’s nothing more to do. You cultured yourself and your kids by taking them to an American theme park and buying a beret. Your job is done. Congratulations 🍾