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Where the Kids Roam

Adventures in Parenting Adventures with Kids

Rho Takes a Break

Because life is exhausting. 

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wherethekidsroam
My favorite place in Portugal. It doesn’t get th My favorite place in Portugal. It doesn’t get the love it deserves because it’s sandwiched between a couple other big touristy places littered with human beings desperate to tell people they waited in line for over an hour to see a large wishing well or walls painted pink. (I actually love those places too 🤫) Pro tip, though - if you don’t exit the Moorish Castle immediately(!) when they announce over a speaker that they’re closing - THEY WILL LOCK YOU IN THE MOTHERFUCKER (for the night). I’m speaking from experience, of course. Luckily the last worker guy walking away down the exit trail from the castle heard (and saw) my desperate, panicked, ugly sobbing and took pity on us.* Good times. Have you been?? #moorishcastle #sintralovers #sintragram #sintra_alive #castleofthemoors #sintraportugal🇵🇹 #visitsintra #sintralovers🍃🌿 #sintra🇵🇹 #travelingwithkids #familytravel #travelingfamily * If I’m being honest, I was rooting for being trapped inside for the night…😉 I live for things like that.
I was recently hired by a tourism board to create I was recently hired by a tourism board to create a video meant to entice Americans to visit Slovenia. My tag line, spoken by me in a deep, heavily-accented voice of unknown origins was - “Come to Slovenia. We’re no longer Slovakia.” I thought this might clear things up for Americans; the tourism board did not. So here we are. 🤷🏼‍♂️ In case you’re Slovakian, and offended, I made all of that up ☝🏼 Us Americans know you’re still one unified country 👏🏻👐🏻🙌🏻👍🏻 #kiddingofcourse Have you been to Slovakia? I mean, Slovenia? 😃😘 #senidah #slovenia #sloveniatravel #visitslovenia #slovenialovers #feelslovenia #sloveniaoutdoor #slovenia_ig #sloveniatrip #sloveniawonders
Traveling with kids is so exhilarating. Sorry, I m Traveling with kids is so exhilarating. Sorry, I meant exhausting. Traveling with kids is so exhausting. Damn autocorrect. 😒 But traveling with kids for 10 weeks was just plain satisfying. I meant stupid. Just plain stupid. I might need to get a new phone….😅 Seriously, this was one of the top 45 summers of my life. 👏🏻 And I mean that. I can’t wait for next year! 😂😵‍💫😮‍💨 #bestsummerever #ikidikid On a serious note, for once. Life is moving so fast and the kids have grown so much. It’s all very anxiety-inducing. Thus, it’s become so very important to stay present and appreciative all the time. I’ve therefore employed a couple of handy mental exercises/tactics that I’d like to share with you. First, whenever, say, the kids ask me for something, I simply close my eyes, cover my ears, and envision myself alone on a beach in a time when no one bugged me for anything. It really helps me appreciate the little time I have with them. Second, when they get a little too rambunctious, I envision myself taking a nice, slow, two-hour run. I then manifest that vision into reality. It really helps with me being present in the moment. Any tips you’d like to share? Honestly, I’ll really be serious now. I keep imagining, what if I’ve already lived most of my life, my kids have grown up, and I’m all alone now? What would I do to have a second chance with them at this age? I think I’d give just about anything to make that come true. I then try my best to simply envision that my second chance came true. Second, with all the mistakes I’ve made, and with all the things that I let stress me out, I try to envision myself dead, looking back on my life, giving my present self advice. “Don’t worry about that,” I’d say. “This is the time of your life,” I’d bellow. “Enjoy what little hair you have while you’ve got it,” I’d sigh. It’s, uh, helpful too. Btw, if you comment below, I promise I’ll reply with an autocorrect/auto fill that my phone suggests. Try it!
Have you updated to iOS 16? It’s, uh, fun. 😅 Have you updated to iOS 16? It’s, uh, fun. 😅 Follow @wherethekidsroam for useless tips every month or so. But probably not. And, remember…We travel with kids so you don’t have to!™ #travelreels #reelsaroundtheworld #travelfamily #ios16 #iphone13pro #familytravel #safarikids #wanderingtheworld
Legit iPhone photo taken and (sorta) edited by my Legit iPhone photo taken and (sorta) edited by my daughter. Normally, when I hand my kids the phone and let them take photos I get 2,145 (they tend to just hold down the button) photos of their faces - usually from below and zoomed in so I can see right up their noses. But yet I keep them all because I have a weird thing about not deleting photos. Anyone else with me on any of this? #venizia🇮🇹 #veniceitaly #veneziagram #venicewithkids #italywithkids #travelfamily #familytravel #italysummer #italywithkids
I’m never gonna give you up Montenegro 🇲🇪 I’m never gonna give you up Montenegro 🇲🇪 Also, I’m never going to give up giving you THE best travel advice. Thus, here’s the perfect one-day itinerary for Kotor, Montenegro. 07:00 - After someone knocks on your door, quickly wake up from your recurring dream of accidentally posting a naked photo to your social media account (why do you have so many?). Realize you’re on an overnight ferry from Italy to Croatia (What did you drink last night that you forgot?). See that you decided to sleep in between the two beds in the room and onto the dirty carpet (without a pillow) underneath dangling bandaids attached to a ceiling that assuredly once housed spy cameras. That knock you just heard was to tell you it’s time to get off the boat. Scramble to get your family presentable to the general public. Feel the familiar pain in your back due to years of single-handedly carrying your family on it. 😔 08:30 - Walk out into the fresh air to see Dubrovnik in the distance. Suck in cigarette smoke from approximately 200 people who are also enjoying the fresh air. 😣 09:30 - Exit the ferry via car. You’re free! Time to explore. Spend the next hour and a half inching along in a long line of cars waiting to get through customs. 😒 11:30 - Stop for lunch. Watch youngest child turn into an absolute maniac. Ponder why he inherited so many attributes from his mother. 🤔 13:30 - Ok…You’re free now! Only two hours to Kotor (55 miles; 89km). Alas…spend the next 2.5 hours in the line for the border crossing. ☹️ 18:00 - Make it to Kotor. Realize you had no idea what Kotor was and that it had a giant, hikeable wall stretching up the mountain behind it. 😃 18:30 - Convince your family to make the hike. Make sure your spouse and children are in slippery sandals and be sure to empty all their water bottles. 😈 18:45 - Commence hiking in oppressive heat. 🥵 19:00 - Block out every single person in your family complaining. 🥱 19:30 - Have a spiritual moment with the sunset. 😌 21:30 - Enjoy your bottle of wine while your family’s evil looks bounce off you. 🤫 23:00 - Make easy 3.5 hour drive back to your Airbnb in Dubrovnik. 😑 02:30 - Go to bed a winner. 😅 Easy. #kotormontenegro
Per Instagram rules, I’m supposed to write “PO Per Instagram rules, I’m supposed to write “POV” (Point of View) and then something relevant to the videos. I don’t really understand what this means (as you can clearly see). 🤷🏼‍♂️ So, I’m really binary about places we visit - I either love ‘em or hate ‘em. Well…I loved Plitvice. It’s the perfect mix of beauty and activity. You’ll walk a lot. A lot a lot, which is great. But even better, if you get there at 7am, you’ll have the park to yourself. Around noon, however, you’ll wonder why it takes an hour in a tightly-packed line of people to walk 50 meters just to see water dripping off a high rock. But still, it’s great. Do it. Oh, but as an aside, f*[k wasps. I was stung for the first time in my life by a wasp in the park (in my left hand). And, literally, while at lunch 20 minutes later, I was telling my wife how much worse a wasp sting is than a bee sting and, in the most dramatic way possible, telling her I’d probably die if I got stung twice in a row. Just then, I felt a bug on my left leg and when I brushed it off, I quickly found out it was a wasp and the f*[k€r stung me (again, in my left hand). I died a little that day, I really did. ☹️🐝🔫 #plitvicenationalpark #croatiatravel #croatiafulloflife #plitvicelakesnationalpark #plitvicefullexperience #croatiafullofmagic #croatiafullofnature #croatia🇭🇷
When my wife told me she hated the UNESCO (@unesco When my wife told me she hated the UNESCO (@unesco) World Heritage site of Alberobello (@visit_alberobello), it was such a relief to me. Because for years she’s told me she hates my face. But now I understand she just hates objectively beautiful things. 😃🫦✨ I’m kidding, I’m kidding. She was appalled when I showed her this caption (“I never said I hated Alberobello!”). 😒 So, our whole trip to Puglia, Italy centered around visiting these very beautiful structures called trulli (trullo-singular). And it was fine. They were fine. Just fine. Everything is fine. That’s the best I can say. Expect an imaginary blog post in the future titled -“Alberobello was Absolutely Adequate and Should be Added to the Top One Million Things to see Before you Die.” 😃😅✌🏻 For those of you who don’t appreciate honesty, I’ve got an alternate, fluffy, impossibly positive caption that’s similar to what you’ll find everywhere else - “I was lost. Struggling each morning to figure out which smoothie recipe to make in my craftsman-style house overlooking the Pacific Ocean in sunny Southern California. I needed to get away. Find myself. Fall in love with myself again. And so I went to southern Italy. There, I’d wake up each morning, stare at the ocean, make my smoothie, and just think about how grateful I was that a simple, $12,000 trip could turn everything around. I think trips like this would solve everyone’s problems. Don’t you agree?” #coffeelover #smoothiebowls #eatpraylove #findingmyself #homeisinsideyou #prayforparis #savethekoalas #stopthefires
After what felt like an eternity in the scorching After what felt like an eternity in the scorching sun, we still didn’t get a good photo of all five of us. Or maybe we did. I don’t remember. It’s all a blur. Heat stroke make brain do funny things. Anyhow, I can’t recommend Matera enough. It feels like an Italian desert Middle East holy land club resort world. Trapped in the past and yet very modern, very chic. Like you can get the plague in the morning and recover from it later that afternoon in your five-star hotel’s ancient-cave day spa. Like you can get your Cavatelli pasta with broccoli rabe and a side of cholera from a world-renowned Michelin star chef stricken with leprosy. You know. It’s not that way, but it feels that way. 10/10 recommend. Best cholera we’ve had so far on the trip. 👌🏻👍🏻✅ #matera #italyadventures #italywithkids #materaitaly #materaphotography #materazzi #materaitaly #italyfamilyvacation #italyfamilyvacation #italiansummer
Going to Matera, Italy - the opening location of t Going to Matera, Italy - the opening location of the last James Bond movie - made me feel JUST like James Bond. You know, if James Bond worked a desk job, had a dad bod, drove a seven-seater SUV (without standard-issue flamethrowers), lived a relatively uninteresting life full of angst and meaninglessness while fully consumed in an assiduous but ultimately vain and unsuccessful pursuit of anything resembling earnest attention, and had a wife and kids that expected him to be loving (and present). Yup, just like James Bond. Actually, I’ve just decided, I’m throwing my name in the hat for becoming the next Bond. If selected, I promise 100% less action but 1000% more relatability. The movie will basically just be two hours of me driving, lost on impossibly narrow European roads, while kids vomit in the backseat and my wife pleads with me to stop for a bathroom break while I pretend not to hear her all the while repeatedly muttering “wow, we’re really making good time” like a g*dd*mn madman. Who wouldn’t want to see that movie I say? 😃 Matera was also the filming location of The Passion of the Christ. Just be glad you didn’t read my original caption…😬😅 #materaitaly #italywithkids #italyiloveyou #italy❤️ #italylovers #travelwithkids #kidsonholiday
Some people think there are hundreds of towns in C Some people think there are hundreds of towns in Cinque Terre. But the experts will agree that there’s EXACTLY either four or six. Having been there, and being an expert on all things travel, I can confirm there are six. Have you been? If so, which is your favorite? Is it: 1) Monterosso al Mare 2) Vernazza 3) Corniglia 4) Manarola 5) Riomaggiore or 6) Monterosso al Mare Each time I go, I’m only able to visit exactly five of them, unfortunately. 😕 Three times, though, I went once to Monterosso al Mare two times in a day. 😃 Feeling both defeated by my last Reel (that no one saw) and desperate for attention, I humbly submit this short video with a trendy song to the Instagram gods. Please have mercy on me oh holy ones. 🙏🏻 #cinqueterreitaly #cinqueterra #cinqueterre #italyig #italywithkids #italiansummer #kidsonholiday #adventurefam #travelwithkids #wherethekidsroam
If I must do Reels to stay relevant, I suppose I’ll just make silly little videos that (probably) only I find enjoyable. 🤷🏼‍♂️😃😅 Good luck reading it all! 😜 Did anyone else grow up watching the A-Team?? #ateam #theateam #babarracus #mrst #badattitude #travelwithkids #travelfamily #aroundtheworldpics #travelgram #familyfriendlytravel #familytravel #exploremore
New Instagram feature alert 🚨!! Simply, go to “Post”, select a photo (this part will be confusing), write a bunch of stuff no one will read (this will be easy), and don’t - repeat, don’t - add any trendy music (this might be the most confusing part of all). It’s called a photo. A still photo. You can now post one. Sure, no one will see it, but it will take you back to a simpler time. When we were all free to create and view the accounts of people we willingly chose to follow. 🥰🤩🥳#makeinstagramgreatagain This is Alberobello, a city full of these buildings called trulli. I drove all the way to southern Italy to see these. On an unrelated note, my wife thinks I make a lot of bad decisions. 😅 #alberobello #alberobellotrulli #trulli #trullo #pugliagram #puglialovers #pugliaview #trullidialberobello #trullilovers #trullonation
I mean, swimming in this amazing, warm, crystal-cl I mean, swimming in this amazing, warm, crystal-clear water was nice and all. But without little red worms to accompany me, like in the thermal springs of Saturnia, I just kinda felt dead inside. 😕🤷🏼‍♂️🪱 #runningtheme #gotworms Have you even heard of this place - Giglio island? It must be where that awful movie Gigli (that I did not see and know nothing about) with my good friends Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez was filmed. Clearly. Have you seen it? The movie, that is. Forget the island. The island is inconsequential. Only Ben and Jennifer matter. Only Bennifer matters. Only. Bennifer. Matters. 🫠 #giglioisland #giglio #islagiglio #isolagiglio #italianwater #italyvacation #tyrrheniansea #dronewater #italydrone #reelsdrone #paradiseitaly #travelfam
I tell my wife every damn day that my dream is to I tell my wife every damn day that my dream is to just lie around and do nothing. But then I book a very long trip where we frantically sightsee in the morning, stressfully work the rest of the day, and then barely sleep at night. On repeat. My anxiety level on a daily basis is about a 9.7 (but if you knew me this isn’t a surprise). Anyhow, I’m just going to pretend that we truly have mastered the art of il dolce far niente on this trip. See the above video as evidence. 😬🫠🫥 Do you feel relaxed on vacation? Or do you end up more tired than when you started? #italywithkids #italiansummer #ildolcefarniente #italianstallion #kidsonholiday #holidayswithkids #travelfam #travelersnotebook #traveltogether #travelfamilies #travelfamilylife #italysummer #italiansummer
Week two of our trip and I was afraid I had just m Week two of our trip and I was afraid I had just made the fourth worst investment of my year (NFTs, crypto, and a reverse vasectomy being the others, obviously). I just didn’t get the appeal of the Sorrento area at all. Four days in and we were bored, over the driving, sick of the food, done with the tourists, and no one seemed nice. We missed Spain. So when I got to Positano, I was really grumpy. Parking/driving was a mess (btw: two-lane roads in Europe are what we call one-way roads in the US). It seemed like the only thing to do was go to the beach (I’ve reached my threshold for beach days with kids this year). And everything was super expensive (€1,629 for five beach chairs). But then I lied down on my beach chair made of pure gold and took a nap. Apparently, I’ve just been tired this whole time. Who knew? 😅 Positano turned out to be an absolute dream. 😍 #positanobeach #italywithkids #holidayswithkids #travelwithkids #kidsinitaly #italiandream #positanowithkids #italykids @sugar__kids @lornamurray_ @bonmot_organic #beachkids #italysummer #italiansummer
Perfect Pompeii Itinerary* SAVE THIS REEL!! Day Perfect Pompeii Itinerary* SAVE THIS REEL!! Day 1: Run, just fucking run! That’s all you should do. You see that giant volcano over there? Yeah, that one. It’s gonna kill you if you don’t run (Well, actually, there’s also a nice wine bar in front of the house of Holconius Rufus if you have time and enjoy tasting a good, full-bodied red). Day 2: See Day 1, above. Day 3: Dude, you’re dead. I thought I told you. * Note: Itinerary only applicable for the year 79AD. I have no idea what you should really do in 2022 🤷🏼‍♂️ Try the pizza baked over coals that are suspiciously in the shape of bodies? No? Too soon? 😬 #momentomori #yesialwaysjokeaboutdeathbecauseimterrifiedofit Seriously, we loved Pompeii, even with all the people and heat. The kids had been reading about it for months and they all (well, mostly all) found it fascinating. Also, something so tragic turned into a good lesson for our youngest, who is now convinced he will burn in lava if he acts up. It’s called good parenting 🤫 Have you been? #pompeii #vesuvius #pompeia #pompéia #travelwithkids #holidayswithkids #adventuremore #adventurefamily #napolipix #pompeiiitaly #pompei
I’m just finished taping an episode of Dr. Phil I’m just finished taping an episode of Dr. Phil called “Help, my wife keeps getting younger with age, I think I married a witch.” I spoke at length about all the red flags that concern me greatly. For example, she sometimes floats in water (means you’re a witch), but also, sometimes she doesn’t float in water (also means you’re a witch). Plus she has this crazy ability to put me into a zombie-like trance simply by telling me about her day. Oh, and, sometimes her hair makes a devil-horn shape, even when there’s no wind (see above). And one night I’m pretty sure I caught her stealing my soul (and will to live). Yeah, Dr. Phil and I unpacked a lot. Edit: I meant “bitch” not witch. 🤦🏼‍♂️ Damn autocorrect 😕 Oh, btw, Sorrento was meh to us. It seemed like one big, crowded outdoor shopping mall. Four days into our stay near Sorrento - where we only had bad food and people yelling at our kids - and I literally told my wife, I don’t think I like Italy anymore. But then we went to Positano and Ravello and…wow 🤯😍 #sorrentocoast #sorrentocoast_ #sorrentoitaly #travelwithkids #kidsonholiday @holidayswithkids #holidayswithkids #takeyourkidsanywhere #adventuringwithkids #italywithkids #italyfamily
This photo was taken just before five in the morni This photo was taken just before five in the morning. By 5:25, several small red worms that swim in these warm, sulphuric waters had successfully located all of my discrete orifices and made me their host. By 5:45, my new partners and I had given birth to dozens of wormlet larvae. I tell you this because we’re having a baby shower next Saturday. You’re all invited. Finger foods and light refreshments will be served. I hope you can all attend. #blessed #expecting If you missed my stories about this place, the above won’t make much sense. It’s beautiful, yes, but the small red worms that inhabit the place made some of us (I’m looking at you, girls 👀) a bit too nervous to stay in. Kids loved it. 10/10 recommended. Oh, and, by 6:15, this picture would’ve looked like a Where’s Waldo picture, only you’d have to find all the hidden Instagram influencers (hint: it was everyone pictured. All of them. All 248 people (most in full makeup with eyelash extensions) along with four drones flying about). It was really quite peaceful, like you’d expect at remote hot springs. 😍 Have you been (infected by worms) before? #travelwithkids #italyiloveyou #italylovers #italytourism #italy🇮🇹❤️ #discoveritaly #amazingshots_italy
Our kids are well versed in the school of adventur Our kids are well versed in the school of adventure. So it's only appropriate they have the right shoes to do it all. Introducing the new Adventure and Back to School lines of Crocs. ❤️🐊👟 @crocs #CrocsAd #adventurefamily #travelfamily #exploremore #travelwithkids #crocscharms #crocsandsocks #crocskids #crocsshoes #familyabroad #travellife #spainexpats #expatfamily
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About Me?

About Me?

I am a father, husband, world traveler, and unsolicited masseur. My wife thought that last description was creepy and untrue until she received an unexpected massage. After that, she just thought it was creepy. I love non sequiturs. Cake and children are equally delicious. When not around children who are screaming and crying, I like to read books. I have not read a book in eight years.

  • Flying High with Royal Jordanian

  • 1001 BTMs – #1 Walking Down the al-Sīq to the Treasury in Petra

  • 1001 Beautiful Travel Moments

  • One of the Best Countries to Take Kids – Vietnam

  • My Favorite Instagram Captions – Country Fact Edition (The Last One Will Blow Your Mind)

  • How to Disappear Completely (Yet Let Everyone Know You’re Living Your Best Life in Spain)

  • Rho Takes a Break

  • Our Gap Year Part II: Fiji

  • Our Gap Year Or: How I Learned To Love Sleeping In Hostel Twin Beds And Taking Cold Showers

  • How to Get the Fuck off the Hamster Wheel and Live Again: A Guide to Dropping out of Society and Forging your Own Path

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wherethekidsroam
My favorite place in Portugal. It doesn’t get th My favorite place in Portugal. It doesn’t get the love it deserves because it’s sandwiched between a couple other big touristy places littered with human beings desperate to tell people they waited in line for over an hour to see a large wishing well or walls painted pink. (I actually love those places too 🤫) Pro tip, though - if you don’t exit the Moorish Castle immediately(!) when they announce over a speaker that they’re closing - THEY WILL LOCK YOU IN THE MOTHERFUCKER (for the night). I’m speaking from experience, of course. Luckily the last worker guy walking away down the exit trail from the castle heard (and saw) my desperate, panicked, ugly sobbing and took pity on us.* Good times. Have you been?? #moorishcastle #sintralovers #sintragram #sintra_alive #castleofthemoors #sintraportugal🇵🇹 #visitsintra #sintralovers🍃🌿 #sintra🇵🇹 #travelingwithkids #familytravel #travelingfamily * If I’m being honest, I was rooting for being trapped inside for the night…😉 I live for things like that.
I was recently hired by a tourism board to create I was recently hired by a tourism board to create a video meant to entice Americans to visit Slovenia. My tag line, spoken by me in a deep, heavily-accented voice of unknown origins was - “Come to Slovenia. We’re no longer Slovakia.” I thought this might clear things up for Americans; the tourism board did not. So here we are. 🤷🏼‍♂️ In case you’re Slovakian, and offended, I made all of that up ☝🏼 Us Americans know you’re still one unified country 👏🏻👐🏻🙌🏻👍🏻 #kiddingofcourse Have you been to Slovakia? I mean, Slovenia? 😃😘 #senidah #slovenia #sloveniatravel #visitslovenia #slovenialovers #feelslovenia #sloveniaoutdoor #slovenia_ig #sloveniatrip #sloveniawonders
Traveling with kids is so exhilarating. Sorry, I m Traveling with kids is so exhilarating. Sorry, I meant exhausting. Traveling with kids is so exhausting. Damn autocorrect. 😒 But traveling with kids for 10 weeks was just plain satisfying. I meant stupid. Just plain stupid. I might need to get a new phone….😅 Seriously, this was one of the top 45 summers of my life. 👏🏻 And I mean that. I can’t wait for next year! 😂😵‍💫😮‍💨 #bestsummerever #ikidikid On a serious note, for once. Life is moving so fast and the kids have grown so much. It’s all very anxiety-inducing. Thus, it’s become so very important to stay present and appreciative all the time. I’ve therefore employed a couple of handy mental exercises/tactics that I’d like to share with you. First, whenever, say, the kids ask me for something, I simply close my eyes, cover my ears, and envision myself alone on a beach in a time when no one bugged me for anything. It really helps me appreciate the little time I have with them. Second, when they get a little too rambunctious, I envision myself taking a nice, slow, two-hour run. I then manifest that vision into reality. It really helps with me being present in the moment. Any tips you’d like to share? Honestly, I’ll really be serious now. I keep imagining, what if I’ve already lived most of my life, my kids have grown up, and I’m all alone now? What would I do to have a second chance with them at this age? I think I’d give just about anything to make that come true. I then try my best to simply envision that my second chance came true. Second, with all the mistakes I’ve made, and with all the things that I let stress me out, I try to envision myself dead, looking back on my life, giving my present self advice. “Don’t worry about that,” I’d say. “This is the time of your life,” I’d bellow. “Enjoy what little hair you have while you’ve got it,” I’d sigh. It’s, uh, helpful too. Btw, if you comment below, I promise I’ll reply with an autocorrect/auto fill that my phone suggests. Try it!
Have you updated to iOS 16? It’s, uh, fun. 😅 Have you updated to iOS 16? It’s, uh, fun. 😅 Follow @wherethekidsroam for useless tips every month or so. But probably not. And, remember…We travel with kids so you don’t have to!™ #travelreels #reelsaroundtheworld #travelfamily #ios16 #iphone13pro #familytravel #safarikids #wanderingtheworld
Legit iPhone photo taken and (sorta) edited by my Legit iPhone photo taken and (sorta) edited by my daughter. Normally, when I hand my kids the phone and let them take photos I get 2,145 (they tend to just hold down the button) photos of their faces - usually from below and zoomed in so I can see right up their noses. But yet I keep them all because I have a weird thing about not deleting photos. Anyone else with me on any of this? #venizia🇮🇹 #veniceitaly #veneziagram #venicewithkids #italywithkids #travelfamily #familytravel #italysummer #italywithkids
I’m never gonna give you up Montenegro 🇲🇪 I’m never gonna give you up Montenegro 🇲🇪 Also, I’m never going to give up giving you THE best travel advice. Thus, here’s the perfect one-day itinerary for Kotor, Montenegro. 07:00 - After someone knocks on your door, quickly wake up from your recurring dream of accidentally posting a naked photo to your social media account (why do you have so many?). Realize you’re on an overnight ferry from Italy to Croatia (What did you drink last night that you forgot?). See that you decided to sleep in between the two beds in the room and onto the dirty carpet (without a pillow) underneath dangling bandaids attached to a ceiling that assuredly once housed spy cameras. That knock you just heard was to tell you it’s time to get off the boat. Scramble to get your family presentable to the general public. Feel the familiar pain in your back due to years of single-handedly carrying your family on it. 😔 08:30 - Walk out into the fresh air to see Dubrovnik in the distance. Suck in cigarette smoke from approximately 200 people who are also enjoying the fresh air. 😣 09:30 - Exit the ferry via car. You’re free! Time to explore. Spend the next hour and a half inching along in a long line of cars waiting to get through customs. 😒 11:30 - Stop for lunch. Watch youngest child turn into an absolute maniac. Ponder why he inherited so many attributes from his mother. 🤔 13:30 - Ok…You’re free now! Only two hours to Kotor (55 miles; 89km). Alas…spend the next 2.5 hours in the line for the border crossing. ☹️ 18:00 - Make it to Kotor. Realize you had no idea what Kotor was and that it had a giant, hikeable wall stretching up the mountain behind it. 😃 18:30 - Convince your family to make the hike. Make sure your spouse and children are in slippery sandals and be sure to empty all their water bottles. 😈 18:45 - Commence hiking in oppressive heat. 🥵 19:00 - Block out every single person in your family complaining. 🥱 19:30 - Have a spiritual moment with the sunset. 😌 21:30 - Enjoy your bottle of wine while your family’s evil looks bounce off you. 🤫 23:00 - Make easy 3.5 hour drive back to your Airbnb in Dubrovnik. 😑 02:30 - Go to bed a winner. 😅 Easy. #kotormontenegro
Per Instagram rules, I’m supposed to write “PO Per Instagram rules, I’m supposed to write “POV” (Point of View) and then something relevant to the videos. I don’t really understand what this means (as you can clearly see). 🤷🏼‍♂️ So, I’m really binary about places we visit - I either love ‘em or hate ‘em. Well…I loved Plitvice. It’s the perfect mix of beauty and activity. You’ll walk a lot. A lot a lot, which is great. But even better, if you get there at 7am, you’ll have the park to yourself. Around noon, however, you’ll wonder why it takes an hour in a tightly-packed line of people to walk 50 meters just to see water dripping off a high rock. But still, it’s great. Do it. Oh, but as an aside, f*[k wasps. I was stung for the first time in my life by a wasp in the park (in my left hand). And, literally, while at lunch 20 minutes later, I was telling my wife how much worse a wasp sting is than a bee sting and, in the most dramatic way possible, telling her I’d probably die if I got stung twice in a row. Just then, I felt a bug on my left leg and when I brushed it off, I quickly found out it was a wasp and the f*[k€r stung me (again, in my left hand). I died a little that day, I really did. ☹️🐝🔫 #plitvicenationalpark #croatiatravel #croatiafulloflife #plitvicelakesnationalpark #plitvicefullexperience #croatiafullofmagic #croatiafullofnature #croatia🇭🇷
When my wife told me she hated the UNESCO (@unesco When my wife told me she hated the UNESCO (@unesco) World Heritage site of Alberobello (@visit_alberobello), it was such a relief to me. Because for years she’s told me she hates my face. But now I understand she just hates objectively beautiful things. 😃🫦✨ I’m kidding, I’m kidding. She was appalled when I showed her this caption (“I never said I hated Alberobello!”). 😒 So, our whole trip to Puglia, Italy centered around visiting these very beautiful structures called trulli (trullo-singular). And it was fine. They were fine. Just fine. Everything is fine. That’s the best I can say. Expect an imaginary blog post in the future titled -“Alberobello was Absolutely Adequate and Should be Added to the Top One Million Things to see Before you Die.” 😃😅✌🏻 For those of you who don’t appreciate honesty, I’ve got an alternate, fluffy, impossibly positive caption that’s similar to what you’ll find everywhere else - “I was lost. Struggling each morning to figure out which smoothie recipe to make in my craftsman-style house overlooking the Pacific Ocean in sunny Southern California. I needed to get away. Find myself. Fall in love with myself again. And so I went to southern Italy. There, I’d wake up each morning, stare at the ocean, make my smoothie, and just think about how grateful I was that a simple, $12,000 trip could turn everything around. I think trips like this would solve everyone’s problems. Don’t you agree?” #coffeelover #smoothiebowls #eatpraylove #findingmyself #homeisinsideyou #prayforparis #savethekoalas #stopthefires
After what felt like an eternity in the scorching After what felt like an eternity in the scorching sun, we still didn’t get a good photo of all five of us. Or maybe we did. I don’t remember. It’s all a blur. Heat stroke make brain do funny things. Anyhow, I can’t recommend Matera enough. It feels like an Italian desert Middle East holy land club resort world. Trapped in the past and yet very modern, very chic. Like you can get the plague in the morning and recover from it later that afternoon in your five-star hotel’s ancient-cave day spa. Like you can get your Cavatelli pasta with broccoli rabe and a side of cholera from a world-renowned Michelin star chef stricken with leprosy. You know. It’s not that way, but it feels that way. 10/10 recommend. Best cholera we’ve had so far on the trip. 👌🏻👍🏻✅ #matera #italyadventures #italywithkids #materaitaly #materaphotography #materazzi #materaitaly #italyfamilyvacation #italyfamilyvacation #italiansummer
Going to Matera, Italy - the opening location of t Going to Matera, Italy - the opening location of the last James Bond movie - made me feel JUST like James Bond. You know, if James Bond worked a desk job, had a dad bod, drove a seven-seater SUV (without standard-issue flamethrowers), lived a relatively uninteresting life full of angst and meaninglessness while fully consumed in an assiduous but ultimately vain and unsuccessful pursuit of anything resembling earnest attention, and had a wife and kids that expected him to be loving (and present). Yup, just like James Bond. Actually, I’ve just decided, I’m throwing my name in the hat for becoming the next Bond. If selected, I promise 100% less action but 1000% more relatability. The movie will basically just be two hours of me driving, lost on impossibly narrow European roads, while kids vomit in the backseat and my wife pleads with me to stop for a bathroom break while I pretend not to hear her all the while repeatedly muttering “wow, we’re really making good time” like a g*dd*mn madman. Who wouldn’t want to see that movie I say? 😃 Matera was also the filming location of The Passion of the Christ. Just be glad you didn’t read my original caption…😬😅 #materaitaly #italywithkids #italyiloveyou #italy❤️ #italylovers #travelwithkids #kidsonholiday
Some people think there are hundreds of towns in C Some people think there are hundreds of towns in Cinque Terre. But the experts will agree that there’s EXACTLY either four or six. Having been there, and being an expert on all things travel, I can confirm there are six. Have you been? If so, which is your favorite? Is it: 1) Monterosso al Mare 2) Vernazza 3) Corniglia 4) Manarola 5) Riomaggiore or 6) Monterosso al Mare Each time I go, I’m only able to visit exactly five of them, unfortunately. 😕 Three times, though, I went once to Monterosso al Mare two times in a day. 😃 Feeling both defeated by my last Reel (that no one saw) and desperate for attention, I humbly submit this short video with a trendy song to the Instagram gods. Please have mercy on me oh holy ones. 🙏🏻 #cinqueterreitaly #cinqueterra #cinqueterre #italyig #italywithkids #italiansummer #kidsonholiday #adventurefam #travelwithkids #wherethekidsroam
If I must do Reels to stay relevant, I suppose I’ll just make silly little videos that (probably) only I find enjoyable. 🤷🏼‍♂️😃😅 Good luck reading it all! 😜 Did anyone else grow up watching the A-Team?? #ateam #theateam #babarracus #mrst #badattitude #travelwithkids #travelfamily #aroundtheworldpics #travelgram #familyfriendlytravel #familytravel #exploremore
New Instagram feature alert 🚨!! Simply, go to “Post”, select a photo (this part will be confusing), write a bunch of stuff no one will read (this will be easy), and don’t - repeat, don’t - add any trendy music (this might be the most confusing part of all). It’s called a photo. A still photo. You can now post one. Sure, no one will see it, but it will take you back to a simpler time. When we were all free to create and view the accounts of people we willingly chose to follow. 🥰🤩🥳#makeinstagramgreatagain This is Alberobello, a city full of these buildings called trulli. I drove all the way to southern Italy to see these. On an unrelated note, my wife thinks I make a lot of bad decisions. 😅 #alberobello #alberobellotrulli #trulli #trullo #pugliagram #puglialovers #pugliaview #trullidialberobello #trullilovers #trullonation
I mean, swimming in this amazing, warm, crystal-cl I mean, swimming in this amazing, warm, crystal-clear water was nice and all. But without little red worms to accompany me, like in the thermal springs of Saturnia, I just kinda felt dead inside. 😕🤷🏼‍♂️🪱 #runningtheme #gotworms Have you even heard of this place - Giglio island? It must be where that awful movie Gigli (that I did not see and know nothing about) with my good friends Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez was filmed. Clearly. Have you seen it? The movie, that is. Forget the island. The island is inconsequential. Only Ben and Jennifer matter. Only Bennifer matters. Only. Bennifer. Matters. 🫠 #giglioisland #giglio #islagiglio #isolagiglio #italianwater #italyvacation #tyrrheniansea #dronewater #italydrone #reelsdrone #paradiseitaly #travelfam
I tell my wife every damn day that my dream is to I tell my wife every damn day that my dream is to just lie around and do nothing. But then I book a very long trip where we frantically sightsee in the morning, stressfully work the rest of the day, and then barely sleep at night. On repeat. My anxiety level on a daily basis is about a 9.7 (but if you knew me this isn’t a surprise). Anyhow, I’m just going to pretend that we truly have mastered the art of il dolce far niente on this trip. See the above video as evidence. 😬🫠🫥 Do you feel relaxed on vacation? Or do you end up more tired than when you started? #italywithkids #italiansummer #ildolcefarniente #italianstallion #kidsonholiday #holidayswithkids #travelfam #travelersnotebook #traveltogether #travelfamilies #travelfamilylife #italysummer #italiansummer
Week two of our trip and I was afraid I had just m Week two of our trip and I was afraid I had just made the fourth worst investment of my year (NFTs, crypto, and a reverse vasectomy being the others, obviously). I just didn’t get the appeal of the Sorrento area at all. Four days in and we were bored, over the driving, sick of the food, done with the tourists, and no one seemed nice. We missed Spain. So when I got to Positano, I was really grumpy. Parking/driving was a mess (btw: two-lane roads in Europe are what we call one-way roads in the US). It seemed like the only thing to do was go to the beach (I’ve reached my threshold for beach days with kids this year). And everything was super expensive (€1,629 for five beach chairs). But then I lied down on my beach chair made of pure gold and took a nap. Apparently, I’ve just been tired this whole time. Who knew? 😅 Positano turned out to be an absolute dream. 😍 #positanobeach #italywithkids #holidayswithkids #travelwithkids #kidsinitaly #italiandream #positanowithkids #italykids @sugar__kids @lornamurray_ @bonmot_organic #beachkids #italysummer #italiansummer
Perfect Pompeii Itinerary* SAVE THIS REEL!! Day Perfect Pompeii Itinerary* SAVE THIS REEL!! Day 1: Run, just fucking run! That’s all you should do. You see that giant volcano over there? Yeah, that one. It’s gonna kill you if you don’t run (Well, actually, there’s also a nice wine bar in front of the house of Holconius Rufus if you have time and enjoy tasting a good, full-bodied red). Day 2: See Day 1, above. Day 3: Dude, you’re dead. I thought I told you. * Note: Itinerary only applicable for the year 79AD. I have no idea what you should really do in 2022 🤷🏼‍♂️ Try the pizza baked over coals that are suspiciously in the shape of bodies? No? Too soon? 😬 #momentomori #yesialwaysjokeaboutdeathbecauseimterrifiedofit Seriously, we loved Pompeii, even with all the people and heat. The kids had been reading about it for months and they all (well, mostly all) found it fascinating. Also, something so tragic turned into a good lesson for our youngest, who is now convinced he will burn in lava if he acts up. It’s called good parenting 🤫 Have you been? #pompeii #vesuvius #pompeia #pompéia #travelwithkids #holidayswithkids #adventuremore #adventurefamily #napolipix #pompeiiitaly #pompei
I’m just finished taping an episode of Dr. Phil I’m just finished taping an episode of Dr. Phil called “Help, my wife keeps getting younger with age, I think I married a witch.” I spoke at length about all the red flags that concern me greatly. For example, she sometimes floats in water (means you’re a witch), but also, sometimes she doesn’t float in water (also means you’re a witch). Plus she has this crazy ability to put me into a zombie-like trance simply by telling me about her day. Oh, and, sometimes her hair makes a devil-horn shape, even when there’s no wind (see above). And one night I’m pretty sure I caught her stealing my soul (and will to live). Yeah, Dr. Phil and I unpacked a lot. Edit: I meant “bitch” not witch. 🤦🏼‍♂️ Damn autocorrect 😕 Oh, btw, Sorrento was meh to us. It seemed like one big, crowded outdoor shopping mall. Four days into our stay near Sorrento - where we only had bad food and people yelling at our kids - and I literally told my wife, I don’t think I like Italy anymore. But then we went to Positano and Ravello and…wow 🤯😍 #sorrentocoast #sorrentocoast_ #sorrentoitaly #travelwithkids #kidsonholiday @holidayswithkids #holidayswithkids #takeyourkidsanywhere #adventuringwithkids #italywithkids #italyfamily
This photo was taken just before five in the morni This photo was taken just before five in the morning. By 5:25, several small red worms that swim in these warm, sulphuric waters had successfully located all of my discrete orifices and made me their host. By 5:45, my new partners and I had given birth to dozens of wormlet larvae. I tell you this because we’re having a baby shower next Saturday. You’re all invited. Finger foods and light refreshments will be served. I hope you can all attend. #blessed #expecting If you missed my stories about this place, the above won’t make much sense. It’s beautiful, yes, but the small red worms that inhabit the place made some of us (I’m looking at you, girls 👀) a bit too nervous to stay in. Kids loved it. 10/10 recommended. Oh, and, by 6:15, this picture would’ve looked like a Where’s Waldo picture, only you’d have to find all the hidden Instagram influencers (hint: it was everyone pictured. All of them. All 248 people (most in full makeup with eyelash extensions) along with four drones flying about). It was really quite peaceful, like you’d expect at remote hot springs. 😍 Have you been (infected by worms) before? #travelwithkids #italyiloveyou #italylovers #italytourism #italy🇮🇹❤️ #discoveritaly #amazingshots_italy
Our kids are well versed in the school of adventur Our kids are well versed in the school of adventure. So it's only appropriate they have the right shoes to do it all. Introducing the new Adventure and Back to School lines of Crocs. ❤️🐊👟 @crocs #CrocsAd #adventurefamily #travelfamily #exploremore #travelwithkids #crocscharms #crocsandsocks #crocskids #crocsshoes #familyabroad #travellife #spainexpats #expatfamily
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The fine print: Every travel story is a complete fabrication. Truth is, I've never even left the United States (nor do I have a wife or kids).