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Where the Kids Roam

Adventures in Parenting Adventures with Kids

Rho Takes a Break

Because life is exhausting. 

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wherethekidsroam
This account is a vanity project, we all know that This account is a vanity project, we all know that. However, in an effort to be of some value to my loyal dopamine boosters, I’m providing guides on where to stage the best shots at Instagrammable places. Today’s location is Peña Palace in Sintra, Portugal. •Slide 1: Southeast side of the palace. There’s something about this exact spot where kids will go fucking crazy and start (continue?) annoying their mother. Photograph the chaos so you can laugh at your wife’s obvious frustration later. •Slide 2: Inner courtyard, also known as the open-air nap space. Note: This shot requires at least one semi-hibernating child. •Slide 3: West side, in the middle. Here, your sullen child will give some sort of unimportant proclamation, like “I’m no longer eating peas” or “I want an emancipation from my parents.” If you can properly tune them out, you can get a great shot of their subsequent and fully expected resignation to their current state of affairs. •Slide 4: Just north of slide 3 location. Lighting is always a problem, right? The good thing about this spot is the sunlight absolutely fucking smashes off of a nearby wall, all but assuring your kids will be properly lit AND partially blinded for the next hour or so. •Slide 5: Basically the entrance. Thousands of people will be here so I wouldn’t even bother. I got the shot, sorta, but this took 7hrs. of waiting and 5hrs. of Photoshop. •Slide 6: East side courtyard. The fact this is a dead end and not a cliff to fall off of will confuse the tourbus lemmings, so the spot will be clear. •Slide 7: Position your child on this south side wall in front of penis graffiti for the best smile when telling them they’re standing in front of penis graffiti. •Slide 8: South wall, just after my family drew some penis graffiti. •Slide 9: Middle courtyard, west wall. This spot is the same temperature as Dec. in Antarctica so your family will huddle together for survival, which makes for an interesting shot. •Slide 10: The “Can someone help me? My child is dying!” location is also where the blinding light location is. Your kids will feel like they’re dying after being blinded by the light, which makes this an easy and natural shot.
We’ve been waiting for years (due to the pandemi We’ve been waiting for years (due to the pandemic) to celebrate Féria de Abril in Sevilla, Spain. And👏🏻It 👏🏻Has👏🏻Not👏🏻Disappointed💃🏼 #olé 🥳 #feriadeabril #feriasevilla #itsnotover Never have I ever had so much cheap wine and 7up on so little sleep while walking 30,000 steps a day with 18 blisters on my feet next to tens of thousands of women in high heels dancing a mysterious dance and wearing what could only be considered fashion in this part of the world in weather that has oscillated between “oppressively hot and dry we’re gonna die” and “ridiculously wet and fuck this mud sucks.” This week has mostly been a blur of perfection. So much so I’m desperately praying for it to mercifully end and, yet, simultaneously, never wanting the party to stop. Much like this caption, I’ve been a rambling, incoherent mess this week. Join me next year? 😮‍💨🤕😵‍💫 #spainexpats #sevillanas #sevillahoy #sevillaspain #españaviva #travelwithkids #spainwithkids #spainwithkidsandfamily❤️ #wtkr #madbadtraveldad
When you think about it, Easter really isn’t muc When you think about it, Easter really isn’t much different here than it was back in California (unless you count the fact that in Spain they: celebrate over a (mostly sleepless) week; have about 100, three-ton statues marched about by a small army of men in front of crowds of thousands who are, in some cases, openly weeping; are entirely devoid of pedophiles dressed in giant, unlaundered rabbit costumes anxiously hoping little kids will find their huevos; and have tens of thousands of people in tall, pointed hoods walking the streets without anyone so much as doing a double take). Yup, pretty much the same as back home. 😅 Happy Easter 🐣 everyone! Hope your week was as interesting and awesome as ours. #semanasantasevilla #semanasanta2022 #sevillesemanasanta #easterweek #easterweekend #spanisheaster #semanasantasevillasss #sevilleeaster
Picture of me (👨🏻‍🦲) and the four bigge Picture of me (👨🏻‍🦲) and the four biggest mistakes (👱🏼‍♀️👧🏼🧒🏼🧒🏼) of my life (five if you include Spain 🇪🇸, and our move there). How miserable do we all look? 😩🙃 Seriously, if you told the borderline-suicidal me three years ago that there was a chance of happiness and all it took would be selling our California house right before the housing market absolutely fucking boomed💥 and gave us a modicum of financial freedom by allowing us to pay off our debilitating student loans I would have…ugh…scratch that. Let’s change the subject please.🥺 But, honestly, these have been the most challenging years of my life. It’s been so incredibly hard to enjoy delicious, inexpensive, five-hour meals in the shadow of castles, famous churches, and royal palaces that it’s taken a toll on my health. I feel compelled to eat all the delicious jamon placed in front of me; obliged to drink all the amazing vino tinto poured out into my bottomless glass. It really is quite exhausting. 😰#sendhelpplease Well, yeah, that’s about it. Feel free to hate me in the comments 😜😘 #loveyou #sevillanas #expatfamily #expatliving #expatlifestyle #visitseville #alcazarsevilla #travelwithkids #familytravel
Because so many people asked*, here is an actual, Because so many people asked*, here is an actual, literal representation of me carrying this family on my back while my wife remains at a safe distance focusing on ridiculous things. * No one asked Ok, to settle this once and for all - who’s more fun, dads or moms? Write “dads” in the comments for your vote to count. #namibia #namibiatourism #namibiatravel #namibiaroadtrip #namibia🇳🇦 #namib #namibië #holidayswithkids
Now that Instagram has become a video-first platfo Now that Instagram has become a video-first platform, I feel like now is a really, really, really great time to post all those still photos I’ve held onto for years. 🙄 Who’s with me on this? 😒 Anyway, if you are here, in the comments, tag two guys more attractive than me and I promise I’ll spend the rest of the day crying in a locked bathroom. Good luck. Happy hunting. This is from Covadonga, Spain, which you’d swear was Switzerland or something (if you didn’t hear all the roaming cows clearly mooing in Spanish). Have you been? #covadonga #asturias_ig #asturiasgram #asturiasparaísonatural #asturiasturismo #covadongaasturias #spainasturias #hikingwithkids
The reason we take our kids everywhere is because The reason we take our kids everywhere is because it’s fun and relaxing. Plus, we get such perfectly-staged shots of well-behaved kids. What lies do you tell yourself when you travel with kids? In all seriousness, I am desperately holding onto these precious years with the kids before they grow up, realize their mom is a monster, and question why I married her. It’s coming, @socal_to_sevilla The reckoning is coming 🤫😈😘 #mallorcaisland #mallorcagram #kidsonholiday #sugarkids #spanishkids #holidaysinspain #familytravel #travelwithkids #holidayswithkids
Almost three years ago we came to Spain with a mis Almost three years ago we came to Spain with a mission - convert the native Spaniards to Catholicism or die trying. Man, were we good or what? 😅🥇🏆 🤝💪🏻 #nailedit #basicallyrightaway #wasntthathardifimbeinghonest Seriously, though, when we moved to Sevilla it was sight unseen. We only heard good things about it and knew it had good weather. But neither of us had even been to the region before, let alone the city. And then we got here and checked into a subpar Airbnb in a subpar neighborhood and we immediately thought “oh Mary, mother of Jesus, what have we done?” 😰 It wasn’t until we saw the Tower of Gold (Torre del Oro - pictured), which was used as a prison during the Middle Ages and until we moved into an apartment that was built on the site of the former headquarters of the Spanish Inquisition, did we finally feel at home. 😅🤗😃 Seriously, for real now, we love it here and are never leaving (unless our services are required elsewhere). #sevillespain #sevillanas #sevillasecreta #torredeloro #towerofgold #sevillahoy #sevillaspain #visitseville #expatfamily #travelfamily
Our friends at @urlifemedia did it again! Man, I l Our friends at @urlifemedia did it again! Man, I love these videos. 😍 Not to get too sentimental, but I'm desperately clinging onto these years with my kids. And, thanks to @urlifemedia I've basically captured and encased my children's youthful souls for eternity on celluloid film (I have no idea how video cameras work, obviously 😃). So they'll never grow up and leave me alone with my wife (What would we even do? Like each other again? Go on dinner dates? Exercise? Sleep? Do something for ourselves for once? Sounds awful 👎). So why not let @urlifemedia capture your children forever as well? (I can probably say this better 🤔) Oh, and, by the way...Greece is the BEST place we've been in years! Have you been? #greecewithkids #familygreece #grecia🇬🇷 #mybigfatgreektrip #greekvacation #greeceisamazing #familytravelers #familieswhotravel #familieswhotraveltheworld
If you would’ve told me, three years ago, that i If you would’ve told me, three years ago, that instead of mindlessly spending our time and money on seemingly useless crap from a Target (@target ) store (strategically located in a sad strip mall in suburban hell), we’d instead be spending our weekends touring Roman ruins and Franciscan chapels fortified with real human bones thousands of miles away from the nearest Target, I would’ve called you a liar. Because why would I ever live that far from Target, a place where I want my wife to spread my ashes when I die? 🤨 But, [sigh] here we are. And we’re desperately trying to make the best out of our dire situation. 😔 I joke, but I literally had a video call with my wife (currently in California) yesterday where she virtually walked me through a Target for an hour while I took a warm bath with a glass of white wine. It was riveting (more so for the people watching my wife shopping for toothpaste while talking to a naked guy on her phone who’s WAY too interested in her grabbing toothpaste that he can’t get in Europe, I’m sure). I’m that pathetic, yes. 😃 Anyone else hug their kids (or spouse or friends or strangers (strangers?🤔)) extra tight this week? I feel like the world has been extra crazy for a couple years now but that some REAL craziness is just about to start. I sure hope not….😬 Finally, today is “International Find a Pay Phone Booth Day.” Umm, good luck. 🍀 If you find one, send it to me and I’ll post it on my stories just so young people will be confused as fuck. 🤙🏻 #portugalkids #evoraportugal #évora #évoraportugal #portugal_a_gramas #potugalalive #portugual
On Christmas, it’s easy to forget that life is t On Christmas, it’s easy to forget that life is the greatest gift of all. And since I already gave life to three (arguably four) of the people in this picture, I’m saddened and dismayed by the surprise, disappointment, and utter revulsion in their faces every single damn year they find me alone and naked (save for a strategically-placed bow) under the otherwise empty Christmas tree saying things like, “You’re welcome for your life, bitches” and “I’m the real gift that doesn’t need to keep on giving.” It’s almost like they’re not thankful, or something. 😕 Umm, anyhow…Merry Christmas everyone! 🎄🤶🏼🎅🏿 #christmasmagic #familytravel #holidayswithkids #familychristmas #familychristmasphoto #familychristmaspictures #goodbye2021
If you take three shots of tequila, spin around un If you take three shots of tequila, spin around until you’re dizzy, and then frantically blink while trying to focus on all five of us at once in this static photo, it will look just like those Instagram Reels that are so popular right now. Try it. It should be fun (send me videos of your failed attempts please). 🙋🏼‍♂️🤢 So…Greece. What can I say? Well, I treat countries we visit (and love) the same way high school boys say mean things to girls they actually like. So, Greece, you ugly slut, I wouldn’t date you in a million years even if someone paid me but…umm, like, umm, would you go to the prom with me…if I can’t find anyone better? 😘 #greecelover Finally, I’ve never created a fundraiser before, but Instagram gives me the option to, apparently 🤷🏼‍♂️. So there. And, well, it’s the end of the year, and you may want that charitable tax deduction, so here’s your chance. I chose the Ocean Cleanup because no one likes going for a relaxing ocean swim and coming out with an empty bag of Fritos stuck to their back along with the plastic rings from a six pack of Coke wrapped around their toes (true story, thanks for this memory, Bali 😒). #keepouroceansclean #greecewithkids #naxosgreece #naxos_island #greecenaxos #grecia🇬🇷 #greekisles #greekislands🇬🇷
I think this photo basically sums up our family - I think this photo basically sums up our family - loving mother, youngest child face planting on the ground, two perfectly behaved older children, conspicuously absent father. What do you think? Have you been to Italy? Did your spouse also sigh, roll her eyes, and walk away from you every time your iPhone video camera zoomed in on small penises affixed to large statues? Strange, just me? 🤔 In my defense, I was just trying to do as the Romans did. You know, as Julius Caesar once said - “Veni, vidi, vidicky” - I came, I saw, I took videos of statue dicks to post on my Instagram stories. 🤷🏼‍♂️ #italywithkids #italypisa #pisaitaly #pisatower🇮🇹 #italylover #theromans
Next up on our list of Mildly Interesting Location Next up on our list of Mildly Interesting Locations For Families (“MILF Families”), is Aveiro, Portugal 🇵🇹📍 Many people (I’m looking at you Travel & Leisure Magazine 🤨) call Aveiro the “Venice of Portugal,” which is like me calling a White Castle hamburger joint off Highway 18 in East Brunswick the “Alhambra of New Jersey.” In other words, “no, it’s not…stop doing this.” There were nice restrooms in the shopping mall though. And the six hour drive to get here was relaxing except for the tolls, detour, and speeding ticket. So there’s that. I’m mostly fucking around. I actually live for this stuff. 😉 Aveiro gondola ride: 5/10 (my wife says this is too high) Aveiro mall bathrooms: 8/10 (my wife says this is too low) Drive to Aveiro from Southern Spain: 10/10 (I like detours and speeding through tolls, what can I say? 🤷🏼‍♂️) #aveirocity #portugalboatparty #gondolaride #aveirobeauty #portugaltravel #portugallove #wtkr #portugal_places #portugalpassion #portugalvisuals
Family beautiful destination(s) moments (“BDsM”) #2 - Tallinn, Estonia 🇪🇪 📍 Tallinn was a wonderful reminder that the journey is truly the destination. Because, look, Tallinn itself was very nice and all. It has that warm, medieval charm (e.g. real torture devices that kids can try out). But fuck Tallinn. It’s all about GETTING to Tallinn. That’s where it’s at. And, from my experience, as far as I’m aware (though I’ve been wrong once, maybe twice, before), there is ONLY one way in and out of Tallinn. And that way is a slow ferry from Stockholm filled with Finnish truck drivers, Russian prostitutes, cheap vodka, and nothing else (except us and the kids). On the ferry, don’t you dare miss the talent show, it’s as good as you’d expect it to be. All and all, this trip held great lessons for the kids. Lessons like, if you don’t do your schoolwork, you too will somehow turn into a Finnish truck driver or Russian prostitute - or, most likely, both. Lessons like, NO DON’T FUCKING TOUCH THE BEDSPREAD WE DON’T HAVE OUR BLACKLIGHT YOU KNOW WE DON’T USE THE BEDS IN PLACES LIKE THIS YOU NEED A SHOWER NOW HOLY SHIT THE SHOWER IS DISGUSTING JUST POUR VODKA OVER YOUR HANDS TO CLEAN THEM AND SLEEP IN THE RESTAURANT IF YOU’RE TIRED. Lessons like, you’re the one who put your head into that torture device, you get your own damn self out. Lessons like, what do you mean you don’t understand what her talent is, her talent is how she gyrates her hips and maneuvers around the…never mind you’re much too young for this please pretend you never saw any of this we’ll probably need the vodka to clean your eyes out now. Ratings: Tallinn old town - 8/10 Baltic Sea ferry food - 5/10 Baltic Sea ferry entertainment - 10/10 #tallinn_city #estonia🇪🇪 #estoniaferry #balticseastories #visitestonia #tallinngram #tallinnoldtown #travelwithkids #holidayswithkids #wtkr #madbadtraveldad
My refusal to create trendy Reels is resulting in My refusal to create trendy Reels is resulting in a slow, painful dying of my Instagram account (#inextremis). But I refuse to stand idle while this happens. So, in an effort to absolutely speed up my death, I’m posting a series of still photos, from around the world, that I’ve never posted before and that no one will/should care about. All of which will be accompanied by long form captions (which, as we all know, is basically just social media Seppuku (Harakiri)). The series will be called Family Beautiful Destination(s) Moments (or, “Family BDsM”, for short. You’ll want to Google this abbreviation, I’m sure. Actually, do it now, I’ll wait for you…Now clear your browser history). There will be 1001 posts in the series, unless I get bored, cancelled, or give in to the trends. Here we go… #1 Fjaðrárgljúfur📍 8/10 ⭐️ It’s really a 10/10, but seeing hundreds (Thousands? Tens of thousands??) of girls named Madison or Sierra climb fences (fences with “Keep Out” signs) in their felt hats, rose gold jewelry, and Navajo ponchos that their boyfriend (with the ironic mustache) retrieved for them from their camper van, brings this down a couple of notches. Have you been? What would you rate it? Is your name Sierra? Also, where do you wanna go next? Greece or Estonia? #icelandroadtrip #icelandicnature #icelandadvice #naturephotography #familytravel #familytravelmoment #beautifuldestinations #beautifultravelmoments #wtkr #europedestinations #europeisbeautiful
Let's admit it, flying sucks now. Gone are the gol Let's admit it, flying sucks now. Gone are the golden days of air travel when you could freely smoke your tobacco-filled pipe while sitting in the pilot's seat (as he slept off his hangover) with the other 14 chaps on the plane standing nearby - Scotches in hand - conversing about their greatest African big game hunts while cruising at 20,000 feet in a metal death trap that had an 8% chance of crashing into a Nepalese mountain. Now you have to travel with kids and women and women and kids (and all their respective baggage) tuning them out while watching your favorite movie (e.g. Out of Africa) with your favorite alcoholic beverage (e.g. Scotch) in hand as you are quickly and safely transported to some previously-difficult-if-not-impossible-to-reach exotic place (insert eye roll). (Sort of) Kidding, of course. NOW, is the golden age of travel. It's amazing where you go with family in tow for a relatively inexpensive price. And it all just keeps getting better and easier. We've now flown Royal Jordanian (@royaljordanian) multiple times and not once have I gotten off the plane swearing I'd never fly them again (unlike the 3817 times I've done that with American Airlines). In fact, Royal Jordanian treats me like the amazing diva I am (it's actually more coddling, than pampering, that I need). Highly recommended. The video, of course, was edited by the amazing @urlifemedia Everyone should be using them for their trips. Why just have all those videos you take collecting dust (is this how electronic data works?)? This is also way better than a photo book (that I don't let the kids touch because they'll bend the pages). I just don't understand how URLIFE takes my mountain of crappy videos and turns them into something that EVEN I (and my ADHD) CAN WATCH for longer than three seconds. Truly magic.
People always (never?) come to me to hear real fac People always (never?) come to me to hear real facts about real places. So here I am giving the people what they want! #lisbonportugal Lisbon (pronounced “Lith-bun” but with a heavier lisp) is a city first discovered and made famous by influencers in 2016. Previously unknown to the outside world, brave “explorers” such as Becky from Michigan were able to decipher the cryptic clues left in a baffling language on numerous street signs to finally find the destination she yearned for ever since she saw that photo of that one girl with a red dress twirling in the middle of a busy street while the natives looked on in disbelief about their fortune of being in the presence of social media royalty. Becky writes in her travel journal, I mean…err…Twitter, “It’s like San Francisco except they, like, paint the ground and stuff. Omg I got so many likes there too.” Becky continues, “I was scared at first, but later got up to nerve to, like, approach local people to learn more about whether they could take a good picture of me or not.” Thanks to the bravery of Becky, and many others, locals (i.e. Lithbunners) are now able to support themselves with the knowledge that their city routinely makes the explore page on Instagram. An important travel advisory about going here though. As Jessica from Florida writes, “Be careful, very careful. Because Lithbunners will want to talk your ear off about their culture or something like that. Just make sure they keep bringing you pretty food on pretty plates from pretty buildings and you’ll be fine.” Let me know in the comments if you want more history, city guides, etc. And feel free to make fun of me for being a petty “influencer” too 😉😄🙃 #lisboalive #lisboacool #lisbonlife #lisbonstreets #lisboasecreta #holidayswithkids #familytravel
Back to Spain!! 🇪🇸 💃🏼🐂🐖#spainpar Back to Spain!! 🇪🇸 💃🏼🐂🐖#spainparttwo (swipe for us two years ago 👶🏻) So, when we left Spain to return to the US this summer, there was, I’d say, only about a 38.2534% chance we’d return. But we decided we had some unfinished business, such as: •Figuring out what a bidet is (other than an occasional drinking fountain and the place where the kids inevitability knock over my wife’s toothbrushes (don’t worry, I always put them back before she finds out)). • The adults learning Spanish 🤦🏼‍♂️ This is embarrassing, I’ll admit. On a positive note, I JUST learned the Spanish words for “no”, “taxi”, “hotel”, and “hospital” this week. 😃 They are “no”, “taxi”, “hotel”, and “hospital”. 😒 • Learning to live longer! Spain is set to overtake Japan as the country with the longest life expectancy. From what I can tell, we just need to drink more alcohol (not sure this is possible), smoke a pack of cigarettes a day (I think I already get this with secondhand smoke), and eat as much red meat in a sitting as a utterly famished lion cub. • Learning not to helicopter parent. I think this is impossible now in the US. In California, I once left two kids in the car on a cool day to quickly grab the other one from swimming. When I came back out three minutes later, four people had encircled my car ready to call the cops/CPS. In Spain, my kids get the freedom my generation had growing up. It’s really necessary I think. And, by necessary, I mean it’s really necessary that they go play the fuck at a park across a busy street (or whatever, who cares) while the adults sit at a bar in an adjacent park and actually try to fucking enjoy themselves, necessary. Don’t get mad at me, I always go collect them the next day. • Teaching my kids personal accountability. Like, if you slip on a store floor negligently left wet, you don’t just sue. If some kid in your class purposely blinds you with their pencil, you just learn to live with one eye. If an entire terrace in desperate need of repair collapses and crushes your skull, it just wasn’t your day. On second thought, yikes Spain 😨 Anyhow, we’re back! See you guys later. Or, as the locals say, hasta later ya’ll! 🇪🇸🤙🏻
About a month ago, on my last IG post, I wrote - “I vow to start posting fresh, informative, and inspirational Instagram content on a daily basis.” I can see now that was a lie. Thus, today, I vow to never make vows again. So, we just finished what had to be our longest summer thus far. Three months across six countries and eight US states. My wife said she’d kill me if I planned anything like this again. So, in the comments, please give me the ideal, insane itinerary for next summer, as I plan to go out on a high note. 😃 Things I’ve learned this summer: • The US makes kid glasses that don’t shatter into your eyes when they break. I feel like this is slightly better than the Spanish equivalent, which I dub “The Pirate Maker.” • One should avoid traveling with kids. • I do not miss the USA. Ok, I miss the food, that brings me to… • There is no limit to the number of burritos I can consume in a summer. I ate exactly 3,657. But I could have eaten ♾. How is there no good Mexican food in Europe? Do good burritos just not cross the Atlantic? Why are all the top scientists not trying to answer this question? Are they busy or something? I demand answers. • You won’t get brain damage (or convulse) with a 106 degree Fahrenheit (41.1 Celsius) fever (but you’ll come damn close). Props for my wife for getting what the paramedic called, “the highest temperature reading he’s ever taken.” Double props to the doctor who called three days later and admitted the hospital shouldn’t have released her right away. • The volcanic, gas-heated water in Yellowstone National Park (pictured) is not for drinking. Granted, I learned this 30 years ago when my stepmom couldn’t resist herself, but it was a good lesson to remember. They aren’t ideal jacuzzis either. • One should avoid traveling with kids. • I will never stop worrying about my children. The day before we do anything “big” (like, a gentle hike), I have these lucid dreams where I’m saving them from certain death. Anyone else constantly get these? Finally, I vow to start posting fresh, informative, and inspirational Instagram content on a DAILY basis. This is my unbreakable promise. I guarantee it’ll happen. 100% 🙄
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About Me?

About Me?

I am a father, husband, world traveler, and unsolicited masseur. My wife thought that last description was creepy and untrue until she received an unexpected massage. After that, she just thought it was creepy. I love non sequiturs. Cake and children are equally delicious. When not around children who are screaming and crying, I like to read books. I have not read a book in eight years.

  • Flying High with Royal Jordanian

  • 1001 BTMs – #1 Walking Down the al-Sīq to the Treasury in Petra

  • 1001 Beautiful Travel Moments

  • One of the Best Countries to Take Kids – Vietnam

  • My Favorite Instagram Captions – Country Fact Edition (The Last One Will Blow Your Mind)

  • How to Disappear Completely (Yet Let Everyone Know You’re Living Your Best Life in Spain)

  • Rho Takes a Break

  • Our Gap Year Part II: Fiji

  • Our Gap Year Or: How I Learned To Love Sleeping In Hostel Twin Beds And Taking Cold Showers

  • How to Get the Fuck off the Hamster Wheel and Live Again: A Guide to Dropping out of Society and Forging your Own Path

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wherethekidsroam
This account is a vanity project, we all know that This account is a vanity project, we all know that. However, in an effort to be of some value to my loyal dopamine boosters, I’m providing guides on where to stage the best shots at Instagrammable places. Today’s location is Peña Palace in Sintra, Portugal. •Slide 1: Southeast side of the palace. There’s something about this exact spot where kids will go fucking crazy and start (continue?) annoying their mother. Photograph the chaos so you can laugh at your wife’s obvious frustration later. •Slide 2: Inner courtyard, also known as the open-air nap space. Note: This shot requires at least one semi-hibernating child. •Slide 3: West side, in the middle. Here, your sullen child will give some sort of unimportant proclamation, like “I’m no longer eating peas” or “I want an emancipation from my parents.” If you can properly tune them out, you can get a great shot of their subsequent and fully expected resignation to their current state of affairs. •Slide 4: Just north of slide 3 location. Lighting is always a problem, right? The good thing about this spot is the sunlight absolutely fucking smashes off of a nearby wall, all but assuring your kids will be properly lit AND partially blinded for the next hour or so. •Slide 5: Basically the entrance. Thousands of people will be here so I wouldn’t even bother. I got the shot, sorta, but this took 7hrs. of waiting and 5hrs. of Photoshop. •Slide 6: East side courtyard. The fact this is a dead end and not a cliff to fall off of will confuse the tourbus lemmings, so the spot will be clear. •Slide 7: Position your child on this south side wall in front of penis graffiti for the best smile when telling them they’re standing in front of penis graffiti. •Slide 8: South wall, just after my family drew some penis graffiti. •Slide 9: Middle courtyard, west wall. This spot is the same temperature as Dec. in Antarctica so your family will huddle together for survival, which makes for an interesting shot. •Slide 10: The “Can someone help me? My child is dying!” location is also where the blinding light location is. Your kids will feel like they’re dying after being blinded by the light, which makes this an easy and natural shot.
We’ve been waiting for years (due to the pandemi We’ve been waiting for years (due to the pandemic) to celebrate Féria de Abril in Sevilla, Spain. And👏🏻It 👏🏻Has👏🏻Not👏🏻Disappointed💃🏼 #olé 🥳 #feriadeabril #feriasevilla #itsnotover Never have I ever had so much cheap wine and 7up on so little sleep while walking 30,000 steps a day with 18 blisters on my feet next to tens of thousands of women in high heels dancing a mysterious dance and wearing what could only be considered fashion in this part of the world in weather that has oscillated between “oppressively hot and dry we’re gonna die” and “ridiculously wet and fuck this mud sucks.” This week has mostly been a blur of perfection. So much so I’m desperately praying for it to mercifully end and, yet, simultaneously, never wanting the party to stop. Much like this caption, I’ve been a rambling, incoherent mess this week. Join me next year? 😮‍💨🤕😵‍💫 #spainexpats #sevillanas #sevillahoy #sevillaspain #españaviva #travelwithkids #spainwithkids #spainwithkidsandfamily❤️ #wtkr #madbadtraveldad
When you think about it, Easter really isn’t muc When you think about it, Easter really isn’t much different here than it was back in California (unless you count the fact that in Spain they: celebrate over a (mostly sleepless) week; have about 100, three-ton statues marched about by a small army of men in front of crowds of thousands who are, in some cases, openly weeping; are entirely devoid of pedophiles dressed in giant, unlaundered rabbit costumes anxiously hoping little kids will find their huevos; and have tens of thousands of people in tall, pointed hoods walking the streets without anyone so much as doing a double take). Yup, pretty much the same as back home. 😅 Happy Easter 🐣 everyone! Hope your week was as interesting and awesome as ours. #semanasantasevilla #semanasanta2022 #sevillesemanasanta #easterweek #easterweekend #spanisheaster #semanasantasevillasss #sevilleeaster
Picture of me (👨🏻‍🦲) and the four bigge Picture of me (👨🏻‍🦲) and the four biggest mistakes (👱🏼‍♀️👧🏼🧒🏼🧒🏼) of my life (five if you include Spain 🇪🇸, and our move there). How miserable do we all look? 😩🙃 Seriously, if you told the borderline-suicidal me three years ago that there was a chance of happiness and all it took would be selling our California house right before the housing market absolutely fucking boomed💥 and gave us a modicum of financial freedom by allowing us to pay off our debilitating student loans I would have…ugh…scratch that. Let’s change the subject please.🥺 But, honestly, these have been the most challenging years of my life. It’s been so incredibly hard to enjoy delicious, inexpensive, five-hour meals in the shadow of castles, famous churches, and royal palaces that it’s taken a toll on my health. I feel compelled to eat all the delicious jamon placed in front of me; obliged to drink all the amazing vino tinto poured out into my bottomless glass. It really is quite exhausting. 😰#sendhelpplease Well, yeah, that’s about it. Feel free to hate me in the comments 😜😘 #loveyou #sevillanas #expatfamily #expatliving #expatlifestyle #visitseville #alcazarsevilla #travelwithkids #familytravel
Because so many people asked*, here is an actual, Because so many people asked*, here is an actual, literal representation of me carrying this family on my back while my wife remains at a safe distance focusing on ridiculous things. * No one asked Ok, to settle this once and for all - who’s more fun, dads or moms? Write “dads” in the comments for your vote to count. #namibia #namibiatourism #namibiatravel #namibiaroadtrip #namibia🇳🇦 #namib #namibië #holidayswithkids
Now that Instagram has become a video-first platfo Now that Instagram has become a video-first platform, I feel like now is a really, really, really great time to post all those still photos I’ve held onto for years. 🙄 Who’s with me on this? 😒 Anyway, if you are here, in the comments, tag two guys more attractive than me and I promise I’ll spend the rest of the day crying in a locked bathroom. Good luck. Happy hunting. This is from Covadonga, Spain, which you’d swear was Switzerland or something (if you didn’t hear all the roaming cows clearly mooing in Spanish). Have you been? #covadonga #asturias_ig #asturiasgram #asturiasparaísonatural #asturiasturismo #covadongaasturias #spainasturias #hikingwithkids
The reason we take our kids everywhere is because The reason we take our kids everywhere is because it’s fun and relaxing. Plus, we get such perfectly-staged shots of well-behaved kids. What lies do you tell yourself when you travel with kids? In all seriousness, I am desperately holding onto these precious years with the kids before they grow up, realize their mom is a monster, and question why I married her. It’s coming, @socal_to_sevilla The reckoning is coming 🤫😈😘 #mallorcaisland #mallorcagram #kidsonholiday #sugarkids #spanishkids #holidaysinspain #familytravel #travelwithkids #holidayswithkids
Almost three years ago we came to Spain with a mis Almost three years ago we came to Spain with a mission - convert the native Spaniards to Catholicism or die trying. Man, were we good or what? 😅🥇🏆 🤝💪🏻 #nailedit #basicallyrightaway #wasntthathardifimbeinghonest Seriously, though, when we moved to Sevilla it was sight unseen. We only heard good things about it and knew it had good weather. But neither of us had even been to the region before, let alone the city. And then we got here and checked into a subpar Airbnb in a subpar neighborhood and we immediately thought “oh Mary, mother of Jesus, what have we done?” 😰 It wasn’t until we saw the Tower of Gold (Torre del Oro - pictured), which was used as a prison during the Middle Ages and until we moved into an apartment that was built on the site of the former headquarters of the Spanish Inquisition, did we finally feel at home. 😅🤗😃 Seriously, for real now, we love it here and are never leaving (unless our services are required elsewhere). #sevillespain #sevillanas #sevillasecreta #torredeloro #towerofgold #sevillahoy #sevillaspain #visitseville #expatfamily #travelfamily
Our friends at @urlifemedia did it again! Man, I l Our friends at @urlifemedia did it again! Man, I love these videos. 😍 Not to get too sentimental, but I'm desperately clinging onto these years with my kids. And, thanks to @urlifemedia I've basically captured and encased my children's youthful souls for eternity on celluloid film (I have no idea how video cameras work, obviously 😃). So they'll never grow up and leave me alone with my wife (What would we even do? Like each other again? Go on dinner dates? Exercise? Sleep? Do something for ourselves for once? Sounds awful 👎). So why not let @urlifemedia capture your children forever as well? (I can probably say this better 🤔) Oh, and, by the way...Greece is the BEST place we've been in years! Have you been? #greecewithkids #familygreece #grecia🇬🇷 #mybigfatgreektrip #greekvacation #greeceisamazing #familytravelers #familieswhotravel #familieswhotraveltheworld
If you would’ve told me, three years ago, that i If you would’ve told me, three years ago, that instead of mindlessly spending our time and money on seemingly useless crap from a Target (@target ) store (strategically located in a sad strip mall in suburban hell), we’d instead be spending our weekends touring Roman ruins and Franciscan chapels fortified with real human bones thousands of miles away from the nearest Target, I would’ve called you a liar. Because why would I ever live that far from Target, a place where I want my wife to spread my ashes when I die? 🤨 But, [sigh] here we are. And we’re desperately trying to make the best out of our dire situation. 😔 I joke, but I literally had a video call with my wife (currently in California) yesterday where she virtually walked me through a Target for an hour while I took a warm bath with a glass of white wine. It was riveting (more so for the people watching my wife shopping for toothpaste while talking to a naked guy on her phone who’s WAY too interested in her grabbing toothpaste that he can’t get in Europe, I’m sure). I’m that pathetic, yes. 😃 Anyone else hug their kids (or spouse or friends or strangers (strangers?🤔)) extra tight this week? I feel like the world has been extra crazy for a couple years now but that some REAL craziness is just about to start. I sure hope not….😬 Finally, today is “International Find a Pay Phone Booth Day.” Umm, good luck. 🍀 If you find one, send it to me and I’ll post it on my stories just so young people will be confused as fuck. 🤙🏻 #portugalkids #evoraportugal #évora #évoraportugal #portugal_a_gramas #potugalalive #portugual
On Christmas, it’s easy to forget that life is t On Christmas, it’s easy to forget that life is the greatest gift of all. And since I already gave life to three (arguably four) of the people in this picture, I’m saddened and dismayed by the surprise, disappointment, and utter revulsion in their faces every single damn year they find me alone and naked (save for a strategically-placed bow) under the otherwise empty Christmas tree saying things like, “You’re welcome for your life, bitches” and “I’m the real gift that doesn’t need to keep on giving.” It’s almost like they’re not thankful, or something. 😕 Umm, anyhow…Merry Christmas everyone! 🎄🤶🏼🎅🏿 #christmasmagic #familytravel #holidayswithkids #familychristmas #familychristmasphoto #familychristmaspictures #goodbye2021
If you take three shots of tequila, spin around un If you take three shots of tequila, spin around until you’re dizzy, and then frantically blink while trying to focus on all five of us at once in this static photo, it will look just like those Instagram Reels that are so popular right now. Try it. It should be fun (send me videos of your failed attempts please). 🙋🏼‍♂️🤢 So…Greece. What can I say? Well, I treat countries we visit (and love) the same way high school boys say mean things to girls they actually like. So, Greece, you ugly slut, I wouldn’t date you in a million years even if someone paid me but…umm, like, umm, would you go to the prom with me…if I can’t find anyone better? 😘 #greecelover Finally, I’ve never created a fundraiser before, but Instagram gives me the option to, apparently 🤷🏼‍♂️. So there. And, well, it’s the end of the year, and you may want that charitable tax deduction, so here’s your chance. I chose the Ocean Cleanup because no one likes going for a relaxing ocean swim and coming out with an empty bag of Fritos stuck to their back along with the plastic rings from a six pack of Coke wrapped around their toes (true story, thanks for this memory, Bali 😒). #keepouroceansclean #greecewithkids #naxosgreece #naxos_island #greecenaxos #grecia🇬🇷 #greekisles #greekislands🇬🇷
I think this photo basically sums up our family - I think this photo basically sums up our family - loving mother, youngest child face planting on the ground, two perfectly behaved older children, conspicuously absent father. What do you think? Have you been to Italy? Did your spouse also sigh, roll her eyes, and walk away from you every time your iPhone video camera zoomed in on small penises affixed to large statues? Strange, just me? 🤔 In my defense, I was just trying to do as the Romans did. You know, as Julius Caesar once said - “Veni, vidi, vidicky” - I came, I saw, I took videos of statue dicks to post on my Instagram stories. 🤷🏼‍♂️ #italywithkids #italypisa #pisaitaly #pisatower🇮🇹 #italylover #theromans
Next up on our list of Mildly Interesting Location Next up on our list of Mildly Interesting Locations For Families (“MILF Families”), is Aveiro, Portugal 🇵🇹📍 Many people (I’m looking at you Travel & Leisure Magazine 🤨) call Aveiro the “Venice of Portugal,” which is like me calling a White Castle hamburger joint off Highway 18 in East Brunswick the “Alhambra of New Jersey.” In other words, “no, it’s not…stop doing this.” There were nice restrooms in the shopping mall though. And the six hour drive to get here was relaxing except for the tolls, detour, and speeding ticket. So there’s that. I’m mostly fucking around. I actually live for this stuff. 😉 Aveiro gondola ride: 5/10 (my wife says this is too high) Aveiro mall bathrooms: 8/10 (my wife says this is too low) Drive to Aveiro from Southern Spain: 10/10 (I like detours and speeding through tolls, what can I say? 🤷🏼‍♂️) #aveirocity #portugalboatparty #gondolaride #aveirobeauty #portugaltravel #portugallove #wtkr #portugal_places #portugalpassion #portugalvisuals
Family beautiful destination(s) moments (“BDsM”) #2 - Tallinn, Estonia 🇪🇪 📍 Tallinn was a wonderful reminder that the journey is truly the destination. Because, look, Tallinn itself was very nice and all. It has that warm, medieval charm (e.g. real torture devices that kids can try out). But fuck Tallinn. It’s all about GETTING to Tallinn. That’s where it’s at. And, from my experience, as far as I’m aware (though I’ve been wrong once, maybe twice, before), there is ONLY one way in and out of Tallinn. And that way is a slow ferry from Stockholm filled with Finnish truck drivers, Russian prostitutes, cheap vodka, and nothing else (except us and the kids). On the ferry, don’t you dare miss the talent show, it’s as good as you’d expect it to be. All and all, this trip held great lessons for the kids. Lessons like, if you don’t do your schoolwork, you too will somehow turn into a Finnish truck driver or Russian prostitute - or, most likely, both. Lessons like, NO DON’T FUCKING TOUCH THE BEDSPREAD WE DON’T HAVE OUR BLACKLIGHT YOU KNOW WE DON’T USE THE BEDS IN PLACES LIKE THIS YOU NEED A SHOWER NOW HOLY SHIT THE SHOWER IS DISGUSTING JUST POUR VODKA OVER YOUR HANDS TO CLEAN THEM AND SLEEP IN THE RESTAURANT IF YOU’RE TIRED. Lessons like, you’re the one who put your head into that torture device, you get your own damn self out. Lessons like, what do you mean you don’t understand what her talent is, her talent is how she gyrates her hips and maneuvers around the…never mind you’re much too young for this please pretend you never saw any of this we’ll probably need the vodka to clean your eyes out now. Ratings: Tallinn old town - 8/10 Baltic Sea ferry food - 5/10 Baltic Sea ferry entertainment - 10/10 #tallinn_city #estonia🇪🇪 #estoniaferry #balticseastories #visitestonia #tallinngram #tallinnoldtown #travelwithkids #holidayswithkids #wtkr #madbadtraveldad
My refusal to create trendy Reels is resulting in My refusal to create trendy Reels is resulting in a slow, painful dying of my Instagram account (#inextremis). But I refuse to stand idle while this happens. So, in an effort to absolutely speed up my death, I’m posting a series of still photos, from around the world, that I’ve never posted before and that no one will/should care about. All of which will be accompanied by long form captions (which, as we all know, is basically just social media Seppuku (Harakiri)). The series will be called Family Beautiful Destination(s) Moments (or, “Family BDsM”, for short. You’ll want to Google this abbreviation, I’m sure. Actually, do it now, I’ll wait for you…Now clear your browser history). There will be 1001 posts in the series, unless I get bored, cancelled, or give in to the trends. Here we go… #1 Fjaðrárgljúfur📍 8/10 ⭐️ It’s really a 10/10, but seeing hundreds (Thousands? Tens of thousands??) of girls named Madison or Sierra climb fences (fences with “Keep Out” signs) in their felt hats, rose gold jewelry, and Navajo ponchos that their boyfriend (with the ironic mustache) retrieved for them from their camper van, brings this down a couple of notches. Have you been? What would you rate it? Is your name Sierra? Also, where do you wanna go next? Greece or Estonia? #icelandroadtrip #icelandicnature #icelandadvice #naturephotography #familytravel #familytravelmoment #beautifuldestinations #beautifultravelmoments #wtkr #europedestinations #europeisbeautiful
Let's admit it, flying sucks now. Gone are the gol Let's admit it, flying sucks now. Gone are the golden days of air travel when you could freely smoke your tobacco-filled pipe while sitting in the pilot's seat (as he slept off his hangover) with the other 14 chaps on the plane standing nearby - Scotches in hand - conversing about their greatest African big game hunts while cruising at 20,000 feet in a metal death trap that had an 8% chance of crashing into a Nepalese mountain. Now you have to travel with kids and women and women and kids (and all their respective baggage) tuning them out while watching your favorite movie (e.g. Out of Africa) with your favorite alcoholic beverage (e.g. Scotch) in hand as you are quickly and safely transported to some previously-difficult-if-not-impossible-to-reach exotic place (insert eye roll). (Sort of) Kidding, of course. NOW, is the golden age of travel. It's amazing where you go with family in tow for a relatively inexpensive price. And it all just keeps getting better and easier. We've now flown Royal Jordanian (@royaljordanian) multiple times and not once have I gotten off the plane swearing I'd never fly them again (unlike the 3817 times I've done that with American Airlines). In fact, Royal Jordanian treats me like the amazing diva I am (it's actually more coddling, than pampering, that I need). Highly recommended. The video, of course, was edited by the amazing @urlifemedia Everyone should be using them for their trips. Why just have all those videos you take collecting dust (is this how electronic data works?)? This is also way better than a photo book (that I don't let the kids touch because they'll bend the pages). I just don't understand how URLIFE takes my mountain of crappy videos and turns them into something that EVEN I (and my ADHD) CAN WATCH for longer than three seconds. Truly magic.
People always (never?) come to me to hear real fac People always (never?) come to me to hear real facts about real places. So here I am giving the people what they want! #lisbonportugal Lisbon (pronounced “Lith-bun” but with a heavier lisp) is a city first discovered and made famous by influencers in 2016. Previously unknown to the outside world, brave “explorers” such as Becky from Michigan were able to decipher the cryptic clues left in a baffling language on numerous street signs to finally find the destination she yearned for ever since she saw that photo of that one girl with a red dress twirling in the middle of a busy street while the natives looked on in disbelief about their fortune of being in the presence of social media royalty. Becky writes in her travel journal, I mean…err…Twitter, “It’s like San Francisco except they, like, paint the ground and stuff. Omg I got so many likes there too.” Becky continues, “I was scared at first, but later got up to nerve to, like, approach local people to learn more about whether they could take a good picture of me or not.” Thanks to the bravery of Becky, and many others, locals (i.e. Lithbunners) are now able to support themselves with the knowledge that their city routinely makes the explore page on Instagram. An important travel advisory about going here though. As Jessica from Florida writes, “Be careful, very careful. Because Lithbunners will want to talk your ear off about their culture or something like that. Just make sure they keep bringing you pretty food on pretty plates from pretty buildings and you’ll be fine.” Let me know in the comments if you want more history, city guides, etc. And feel free to make fun of me for being a petty “influencer” too 😉😄🙃 #lisboalive #lisboacool #lisbonlife #lisbonstreets #lisboasecreta #holidayswithkids #familytravel
Back to Spain!! 🇪🇸 💃🏼🐂🐖#spainpar Back to Spain!! 🇪🇸 💃🏼🐂🐖#spainparttwo (swipe for us two years ago 👶🏻) So, when we left Spain to return to the US this summer, there was, I’d say, only about a 38.2534% chance we’d return. But we decided we had some unfinished business, such as: •Figuring out what a bidet is (other than an occasional drinking fountain and the place where the kids inevitability knock over my wife’s toothbrushes (don’t worry, I always put them back before she finds out)). • The adults learning Spanish 🤦🏼‍♂️ This is embarrassing, I’ll admit. On a positive note, I JUST learned the Spanish words for “no”, “taxi”, “hotel”, and “hospital” this week. 😃 They are “no”, “taxi”, “hotel”, and “hospital”. 😒 • Learning to live longer! Spain is set to overtake Japan as the country with the longest life expectancy. From what I can tell, we just need to drink more alcohol (not sure this is possible), smoke a pack of cigarettes a day (I think I already get this with secondhand smoke), and eat as much red meat in a sitting as a utterly famished lion cub. • Learning not to helicopter parent. I think this is impossible now in the US. In California, I once left two kids in the car on a cool day to quickly grab the other one from swimming. When I came back out three minutes later, four people had encircled my car ready to call the cops/CPS. In Spain, my kids get the freedom my generation had growing up. It’s really necessary I think. And, by necessary, I mean it’s really necessary that they go play the fuck at a park across a busy street (or whatever, who cares) while the adults sit at a bar in an adjacent park and actually try to fucking enjoy themselves, necessary. Don’t get mad at me, I always go collect them the next day. • Teaching my kids personal accountability. Like, if you slip on a store floor negligently left wet, you don’t just sue. If some kid in your class purposely blinds you with their pencil, you just learn to live with one eye. If an entire terrace in desperate need of repair collapses and crushes your skull, it just wasn’t your day. On second thought, yikes Spain 😨 Anyhow, we’re back! See you guys later. Or, as the locals say, hasta later ya’ll! 🇪🇸🤙🏻
About a month ago, on my last IG post, I wrote - “I vow to start posting fresh, informative, and inspirational Instagram content on a daily basis.” I can see now that was a lie. Thus, today, I vow to never make vows again. So, we just finished what had to be our longest summer thus far. Three months across six countries and eight US states. My wife said she’d kill me if I planned anything like this again. So, in the comments, please give me the ideal, insane itinerary for next summer, as I plan to go out on a high note. 😃 Things I’ve learned this summer: • The US makes kid glasses that don’t shatter into your eyes when they break. I feel like this is slightly better than the Spanish equivalent, which I dub “The Pirate Maker.” • One should avoid traveling with kids. • I do not miss the USA. Ok, I miss the food, that brings me to… • There is no limit to the number of burritos I can consume in a summer. I ate exactly 3,657. But I could have eaten ♾. How is there no good Mexican food in Europe? Do good burritos just not cross the Atlantic? Why are all the top scientists not trying to answer this question? Are they busy or something? I demand answers. • You won’t get brain damage (or convulse) with a 106 degree Fahrenheit (41.1 Celsius) fever (but you’ll come damn close). Props for my wife for getting what the paramedic called, “the highest temperature reading he’s ever taken.” Double props to the doctor who called three days later and admitted the hospital shouldn’t have released her right away. • The volcanic, gas-heated water in Yellowstone National Park (pictured) is not for drinking. Granted, I learned this 30 years ago when my stepmom couldn’t resist herself, but it was a good lesson to remember. They aren’t ideal jacuzzis either. • One should avoid traveling with kids. • I will never stop worrying about my children. The day before we do anything “big” (like, a gentle hike), I have these lucid dreams where I’m saving them from certain death. Anyone else constantly get these? Finally, I vow to start posting fresh, informative, and inspirational Instagram content on a DAILY basis. This is my unbreakable promise. I guarantee it’ll happen. 100% 🙄
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The fine print: Every travel story is a complete fabrication. Truth is, I've never even left the United States (nor do I have a wife or kids).