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Where the Kids Roam

Adventures in Parenting Adventures with Kids

Rho Takes a Break

Because life is exhausting. 

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wherethekidsroam
SAVE THIS REEL if you plan on taking a trip to Ind SAVE THIS REEL if you plan on taking a trip to India. You’ll want to visit the exact(!) coordinates I provide in the video! YOU. ARE. WELCOME! 💥 Also, I’m not one to open my personal journal to everyone, but you might find the daily entries regarding my pathetic stomach pretty interesting (note - “V” denotes an instance of vomit; “D” denotes an instance of diarrhea): Day 1: VDDDVVD Day 2: VVVVDDVVD Day 3: VVDDDDVDV Day 4: DDVDDDV Day 5: DDDVVVVV Day 6: VVDDVDVDVVVVVVVVV Day 7: Day of rest/leisure Day 8: DDDDDDDDDDDV Day 9: VDDVVVVVD To be fair, I got sick in Nepal…it just manifested itself on an incredibly turbulent flight to India and then held strong the entire trip, even in the face of an oppressive June heat wave. 😅👌🏻 Oh, and, all photos were actually taken in a place called India, if I absolutely must divulge 😒 For real though, we stayed at the @oberoihotels throughout. 100% recommend. The doctor that came to my hotel room was the personal doctor of the 11th President of India, I believe. This is my only claim to fame and will be etched on my tombstone. And I’m dying to go back! Have you been?? #indiatravelgram #indiaclicks #indiatourism #incredibleindia #udaipurtimes #jaipurdiaries #delhigram #agra #teamindia #india_clicks #agraindia🇮🇳 #jaipurinfluencers #udaipurdairies #india_gram #indiareels #indiareels⭐️ #indiareelslover😍💫
I really don’t post enough about where we live - I really don’t post enough about where we live - a truly magical place. As such, here’s an intimate tour of our house. Yes, it’s a pain in the ass to clean, and uninvited foreign people walk through it all day, but it really is the perfect place to lay my head (until security kicks me out). 😻 📍Sevilla, Spain 🇪🇸 And if I got any of the “facts” “wrong” don’t @ me. You can’t argue with Wikipedia. It’s never been wrong, ever! 🙄😬🫠🤷🏼‍♂️ #royalalcazar #sevillahoy #sevillespain #séville #sevillagram #reinayseñoradesevilla #spainexperience #spainexpats #spainwithkids #travelfamily
We’ve had a lot of new unfollowers lately, so I We’ve had a lot of new unfollowers lately, so I thought we’d reintroduce ourselves. Only, the task of writing a witty introduction seemed daunting, so I outsourced it all to artificial intelligence. Here’s what it came up with: Meet Where the Kids Roam - the real-life version of the Brady Bunch, minus the talent and good looks. 😒👎🏻 @wherethekidsroam I will say it took a lot of prompting to get a passably sarcastic result, which is good. If these things immediately cranked out solid gold sarcasm, my only possible discernible talent would be made redundant. I’d have to wholly rely on my good looks and casting-couch talent to put food on the table. And nobody wants that, trust me. 🙅🏼‍♂️ But then another ray of light surfaced when I asked AI to playfully make fun of my wife in the caption. It wouldn’t do it! 🤯 Something about it being mean, hurtful and how it’s more productive for me to focus on constructive and positive thoughts blah blah blah 🗣️. Anyhow, an hour later, we agreed to disagree (I have the chat if you want to read it, it’s testy at times, but a good read. Btw - Even though I’m a practicing attorney, I miiiiiight have lost the debate). And it was then that I knew, no robot will EVER replace me making fun of my wife. How lucky am I, I mean you…how lucky are you @socal_to_sevilla ? 😈😘
Today might just be the best day of the year in Se Today might just be the best day of the year in Sevilla, Spain 🇪🇸 👏🏻 🤴🏻🤴🏿🤴🏼 🎁 🍬 #losreyesmagos #threekingsday #seville #sevilla #sevillahoy #3kings #tresreyesmagos #3reyesmagos #sevillagram #sevillasecreta #sevillaciudad #megustasevilla
Perfect Paris travel guide. Save this post!! 1. Perfect Paris travel guide. Save this post!! 1. First, give yourself no more than 72 hours in and around Paris. There are only so many snails you can eat; cigarettes your kids can smoke. The key is limiting life’s pleasures. 2. Select the earliest morning flight out to Paris and try not to sleep at all the night before. This will ensure you’re absolutely exhausted the one day you gave yourself to see and enjoy one of the most beautiful cities in the world (the other days will be spent at Disneyland, see below). 3. There’s a museum called the Louvre. Skip it. No one really knows what’s inside and it’s not your job to find out. 4. Your kids will be tired. 30,000 steps is a lot in a day. Let them have their cigarette breaks they keep asking for. Science has consistently proven it’s good for growing lungs. 5. Spend two whole days in Disneyland Paris. This is exactly two days too long, which is perfect. 6. Only go in Winter. It’ll either be raining and cold, snowing and cold, windy and cold, or just plain cold. The common denominator is cold. Remember that. Paris does it well. 7. Buy a beret. Take 2,497 pictures of you in your new beret in front of the Eiffel Tower. It’ll be novel. People will be jealous they didn’t think of it first. 8. Role play. You’re an ambitious twenty-something marketing executive from Chicago who unexpectedly lands her dream job in Paris when her company acquired a French luxury marketing company - and you’re tasked with revamping their social media strategy. Your new life in Paris is filled with intoxicating adventures and surprising challenges as you juggle winning over your work colleagues, making friends, and navigating new romances. Yes, your outfits will be outrageous and impossible to afford on your salary. 9. Visit Notre Dame when it’s raining. Force your way inside. When they tell you you can’t because of the fire, loudly explain (in English) that there can’t be fire when it’s raining. It’s your job to spread logic to the uncivilized world. 10. Fly home. There’s nothing more to do. You cultured yourself and your kids by taking them to an American theme park and buying a beret. Your job is done. Congratulations 🍾
I felt obliged to do a year-end recap video. But I I felt obliged to do a year-end recap video. But I performed absolutely zero research on the month or year of these videos. All I know is I wanted to make it seem like we had an awesome year, never worked, won the lottery, galavanted around the world for free, and didn’t spend a single moment worrying about a damn thing. This is how these things work, right? 🤙🏻💥 #nailedit Happy almost New Year everyone. 🥳 🎉 #yearinreview #yearend #yearrecap #yearrecap2022 #endofyear #yeartravel #gapyear #travelwithkids #holidayswithfamily #holidayswithkids
See us on our new show - Vacation Nightmares with See us on our new show - Vacation Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay. Hoping he’ll whip this family into shape. Should be a hoot. #parisfrance #eiffeltower🗼 #travelwithkids #familytravel #travelfam #pariswithkids #francewithkids #parísnights #gordonramsay
Merry Christmas everyone!! 🎄💫 💚 We did i Merry Christmas everyone!! 🎄💫 💚 We did it! We finally made it to the country of Paris. It’s an American dream come true. 👏🏻😍🤩😃🇺🇸🇫🇷 So, on our way to see Le Mickey Mouse (he smokes, wears a beret, and shoots kids disgusted looks here 🚬🐭🥖) we stopped at this phallic-looking radio tower. It was super fun to see. Unfortunately, I lost €800 in what I’m starting to think was a rigged shell game 🤔 (which actually didn’t matter because I was pickpocketed 15 minutes later 🤷🏼‍♂️). Good times? Nope, the BEST times! 😃 Seriously, I hadn’t been to Paris in about 15 years and it was even more beautiful than I remembered it. 10/10 recommend this beautiful country. Have you been? #countryofparis #parisjackson #parishilton #paristexas #disneylandparis #lemickeymouse #parisfamilyphoto #travelwithkids #familytravel #familytravels
So, Croatia 🇭🇷 lost in the World Cup 🏆 se So, Croatia 🇭🇷 lost in the World Cup 🏆 semifinals last night. You could point to several clear and obvious reasons why - coaching, player underachievement, strong opponent, etc. But you’d be wrong. These four are to blame. I mean, obviously. Just look at them. 🫵🏻👎🏻😠 I feel like any country they step foot in is doomed in sports that calendar year. Meaning, Spain may never win anything again. 😞😬 And, since we visited France and Croatia this year, among other places, they’re out. 🙅🏼‍♂️ N.B. We were just about to board a plane to Marrakech this year before my wife backed out. So Morocco is still alive, which is a good thing because otherwise we’d just crown Argentina now and not even play these last two games. You’re welcome. So, now you know. In four years, contact me so we can coordinate our travel itinerary with your betting strategy. And if (when?) France ends up winning it all…I will simply just edit this caption and vehemently deny I ever wrote it. 🤫 Oh, have you been to Dubrovnik before? Apparently, they built this whole little city for a show called Throne Game, or something like that. Not really sure, but everyone kept talking about the game’s little people, incest, and fire lizards, which ticks off just about everything I like in a show. I might check it out. Anyhow, cool movie set. We liked. 👏🏻 #croatiatravel #croatiafulloflife #dubravka #dubrovnic #croatie🇭🇷 #croatia_lovers #croatiafullofmagic #travelfam #familytravel
“My wife is the luckiest woman in the world! She “My wife is the luckiest woman in the world! She gets to chase me, a stallion, around the world while complimenting my incredible looks and intelligence all while our three kids, which may or may not be mine, follow in tow.” - Me? Artificial intelligence is everywhere. It’s all very frightening and exhilarating at the same time. But who knows what’s real anymore? The above caption? Not mine. Entirely created by #chatgpt @chatgpt (swipe for proof) And what about this first photo? That old woman and her obnoxious kids? They don’t exist. 🙅🏼‍♂️ I created them with @openaidalle #fakefamily That background of Portuguese blue/green tiles? No such thing. Portugal isn’t even a real place. Every Spanish person would agree 🤫#portugaldoesntexist 🇵🇹 And, finally, since I’m coming clean with everything. I’m not even from this galaxy. I’m an intergalactic traveler sent to earth to waste your time on social media. Mission accomplished, I’d say. 😮‍💨 Swipe for my intergalactic passport photos. #avatar @lensa.ai So, anyhow…Peace out everyone, I’m leaving this dumpster fire of a planet before you destroy it. ✌🏻🚀🧑‍🚀 #headedtouranus
Alone on the coast of Portugal. Except for the peo Alone on the coast of Portugal. Except for the people in that big building, of course. Oh, and the people walking the beach. And the people up at the nearby bar. I think there were a few people swimming too. And some fishermen. But, alone. I was mostly all alone. And it was great. 😍 Speaking of alone…So, Instagram Stories are still alive and well. I talk to lots of people there. But, is the rest of Instagram dead? Is anyone out there watching these untrendy travel Reels for mere travel inspiration that don’t feature someone pranking someone else who is obviously in on the prank and a really bad actor? Give me a sign that you’re alive in the comments and I’ll let your family know you’re safe. If not, I’ll see you on the other side. 🤙🏻☠️ Cheers. #portugalbeaches #lagosportugal🇵🇹 #lagosportugal #thealgarve #algarveportugal #algarvelovers #algarvecoast #algarvetourism
Don’t mind me, I’m just here to post my mandat Don’t mind me, I’m just here to post my mandatory, once-every-two-weeks Reel to prove to my family I’m still alive and to acquire validation about my life decisions from complete strangers. Thanks for your cooperation. ✌🏻 So, it’s not much of a secret that we didn’t love the whole expensive Italian James Bond peninsula area just south of Naples where Roman emperors chucked babies off cliffs into the sea (I have no idea what the area is called. Help me. Sorrentine Peninsula? Amalfi? Salerno? Or, is what I wrote above the actual, official name? Please tell me it is.). Anyhow, I think it’s all visually stunning, sure. But the prices, crowds, driving difficulties, etc. make it a pass with kids imho. Having said that, Ravello was a revelation (a Ravelloation? 🤔). 9.3/10 recommend. Especially the baby-chucking part. 💯🤌🏻 #ravelloitaly #amalficoast_ #amalficoastitaly #travelwithkids #travelfam #wanderwithkids #travelfamilies #familytravel #wanderlust #italywithkids #italytrip #summerinitaly
I went to school in Santa Barbara, California - a I went to school in Santa Barbara, California - a famously beautiful Spanish-architecture city that attracts English royalty and Oprahs. So, when we moved to Spain almost four years ago, I expected to see a country full of Santa Barbaras. But when that didn’t happen, I was really confused and had many non-germane questions. Questions like - Did Oprah lie to me? Should I still be the local president of my “Oprah’s Book Club” club? Does the restraining order mean Oprah doesn’t like me? Anyhow, we eventually stumbled onto Frigiliana. A town free of monarchs and people who file unnecessary retraining orders. And, there it was…the Santa Barbara of Spain™ (feel free to use this in marketing materials, Frigiliana 😉). It’s like the Moors, Greeks, and Spanish got together and built a perfectly perched, whitewashed city next to the Alboran Sea filled with history, bougainvilleas, and Zoltar fortune teller machines that turn twelve-year-old boys into adults (who look like a young Tom Hanks) so they can skirt those pesky statutory rape laws. 10/10 recommend. 👌🏻 #frigiliana #malaga #andalusia #andaluz #frigiliana_andalucia_spain #andalucia_photos #andalusian #andalusien
Florence is the best city in Italy. I’m making i Florence is the best city in Italy. I’m making it official. Disagree with me? Tell me which city is better. 👇🏻 All wrong answers will be accepted, mocked, and passed along to the proper authorities👮‍♂️ #firenze🇮🇹 #florenceitaly #florencewithkids #holidayswithkids #travelingfamily #firenzetoday #firenze4ever #duomodifirenze #florenceitaly🇮🇹
My favorite place in Portugal. It doesn’t get th My favorite place in Portugal. It doesn’t get the love it deserves because it’s sandwiched between a couple other big touristy places littered with human beings desperate to tell people they waited in line for over an hour to see a large wishing well or walls painted pink. (I actually love those places too 🤫) Pro tip, though - if you don’t exit the Moorish Castle immediately(!) when they announce over a speaker that they’re closing - THEY WILL LOCK YOU IN THE MOTHERFUCKER (for the night). I’m speaking from experience, of course. Luckily the last worker guy walking away down the exit trail from the castle heard (and saw) my desperate, panicked, ugly sobbing and took pity on us.* Good times. Have you been?? #moorishcastle #sintralovers #sintragram #sintra_alive #castleofthemoors #sintraportugal🇵🇹 #visitsintra #sintralovers🍃🌿 #sintra🇵🇹 #travelingwithkids #familytravel #travelingfamily * If I’m being honest, I was rooting for being trapped inside for the night…😉 I live for things like that.
I was recently hired by a tourism board to create I was recently hired by a tourism board to create a video meant to entice Americans to visit Slovenia. My tag line, spoken by me in a deep, heavily-accented voice of unknown origins was - “Come to Slovenia. We’re no longer Slovakia.” I thought this might clear things up for Americans; the tourism board did not. So here we are. 🤷🏼‍♂️ In case you’re Slovakian, and offended, I made all of that up ☝🏼 Us Americans know you’re still one unified country 👏🏻👐🏻🙌🏻👍🏻 #kiddingofcourse Have you been to Slovakia? I mean, Slovenia? 😃😘 #senidah #slovenia #sloveniatravel #visitslovenia #slovenialovers #feelslovenia #sloveniaoutdoor #slovenia_ig #sloveniatrip #sloveniawonders
Traveling with kids is so exhilarating. Sorry, I m Traveling with kids is so exhilarating. Sorry, I meant exhausting. Traveling with kids is so exhausting. Damn autocorrect. 😒 But traveling with kids for 10 weeks was just plain satisfying. I meant stupid. Just plain stupid. I might need to get a new phone….😅 Seriously, this was one of the top 45 summers of my life. 👏🏻 And I mean that. I can’t wait for next year! 😂😵‍💫😮‍💨 #bestsummerever #ikidikid On a serious note, for once. Life is moving so fast and the kids have grown so much. It’s all very anxiety-inducing. Thus, it’s become so very important to stay present and appreciative all the time. I’ve therefore employed a couple of handy mental exercises/tactics that I’d like to share with you. First, whenever, say, the kids ask me for something, I simply close my eyes, cover my ears, and envision myself alone on a beach in a time when no one bugged me for anything. It really helps me appreciate the little time I have with them. Second, when they get a little too rambunctious, I envision myself taking a nice, slow, two-hour run. I then manifest that vision into reality. It really helps with me being present in the moment. Any tips you’d like to share? Honestly, I’ll really be serious now. I keep imagining, what if I’ve already lived most of my life, my kids have grown up, and I’m all alone now? What would I do to have a second chance with them at this age? I think I’d give just about anything to make that come true. I then try my best to simply envision that my second chance came true. Second, with all the mistakes I’ve made, and with all the things that I let stress me out, I try to envision myself dead, looking back on my life, giving my present self advice. “Don’t worry about that,” I’d say. “This is the time of your life,” I’d bellow. “Enjoy what little hair you have while you’ve got it,” I’d sigh. It’s, uh, helpful too. Btw, if you comment below, I promise I’ll reply with an autocorrect/auto fill that my phone suggests. Try it!
Have you updated to iOS 16? It’s, uh, fun. 😅 Have you updated to iOS 16? It’s, uh, fun. 😅 Follow @wherethekidsroam for useless tips every month or so. But probably not. And, remember…We travel with kids so you don’t have to!™ #travelreels #reelsaroundtheworld #travelfamily #ios16 #iphone13pro #familytravel #safarikids #wanderingtheworld
Legit iPhone photo taken and (sorta) edited by my Legit iPhone photo taken and (sorta) edited by my daughter. Normally, when I hand my kids the phone and let them take photos I get 2,145 (they tend to just hold down the button) photos of their faces - usually from below and zoomed in so I can see right up their noses. But yet I keep them all because I have a weird thing about not deleting photos. Anyone else with me on any of this? #venizia🇮🇹 #veniceitaly #veneziagram #venicewithkids #italywithkids #travelfamily #familytravel #italysummer #italywithkids
I’m never gonna give you up Montenegro 🇲🇪 I’m never gonna give you up Montenegro 🇲🇪 Also, I’m never going to give up giving you THE best travel advice. Thus, here’s the perfect one-day itinerary for Kotor, Montenegro. 07:00 - After someone knocks on your door, quickly wake up from your recurring dream of accidentally posting a naked photo to your social media account (why do you have so many?). Realize you’re on an overnight ferry from Italy to Croatia (What did you drink last night that you forgot?). See that you decided to sleep in between the two beds in the room and onto the dirty carpet (without a pillow) underneath dangling bandaids attached to a ceiling that assuredly once housed spy cameras. That knock you just heard was to tell you it’s time to get off the boat. Scramble to get your family presentable to the general public. Feel the familiar pain in your back due to years of single-handedly carrying your family on it. 😔 08:30 - Walk out into the fresh air to see Dubrovnik in the distance. Suck in cigarette smoke from approximately 200 people who are also enjoying the fresh air. 😣 09:30 - Exit the ferry via car. You’re free! Time to explore. Spend the next hour and a half inching along in a long line of cars waiting to get through customs. 😒 11:30 - Stop for lunch. Watch youngest child turn into an absolute maniac. Ponder why he inherited so many attributes from his mother. 🤔 13:30 - Ok…You’re free now! Only two hours to Kotor (55 miles; 89km). Alas…spend the next 2.5 hours in the line for the border crossing. ☹️ 18:00 - Make it to Kotor. Realize you had no idea what Kotor was and that it had a giant, hikeable wall stretching up the mountain behind it. 😃 18:30 - Convince your family to make the hike. Make sure your spouse and children are in slippery sandals and be sure to empty all their water bottles. 😈 18:45 - Commence hiking in oppressive heat. 🥵 19:00 - Block out every single person in your family complaining. 🥱 19:30 - Have a spiritual moment with the sunset. 😌 21:30 - Enjoy your bottle of wine while your family’s evil looks bounce off you. 🤫 23:00 - Make easy 3.5 hour drive back to your Airbnb in Dubrovnik. 😑 02:30 - Go to bed a winner. 😅 Easy. #kotormontenegro
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About Me?

About Me?

I am a father, husband, world traveler, and unsolicited masseur. My wife thought that last description was creepy and untrue until she received an unexpected massage. After that, she just thought it was creepy. I love non sequiturs. Cake and children are equally delicious. When not around children who are screaming and crying, I like to read books. I have not read a book in eight years.

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  • Our Gap Year Or: How I Learned To Love Sleeping In Hostel Twin Beds And Taking Cold Showers

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wherethekidsroam
SAVE THIS REEL if you plan on taking a trip to Ind SAVE THIS REEL if you plan on taking a trip to India. You’ll want to visit the exact(!) coordinates I provide in the video! YOU. ARE. WELCOME! 💥 Also, I’m not one to open my personal journal to everyone, but you might find the daily entries regarding my pathetic stomach pretty interesting (note - “V” denotes an instance of vomit; “D” denotes an instance of diarrhea): Day 1: VDDDVVD Day 2: VVVVDDVVD Day 3: VVDDDDVDV Day 4: DDVDDDV Day 5: DDDVVVVV Day 6: VVDDVDVDVVVVVVVVV Day 7: Day of rest/leisure Day 8: DDDDDDDDDDDV Day 9: VDDVVVVVD To be fair, I got sick in Nepal…it just manifested itself on an incredibly turbulent flight to India and then held strong the entire trip, even in the face of an oppressive June heat wave. 😅👌🏻 Oh, and, all photos were actually taken in a place called India, if I absolutely must divulge 😒 For real though, we stayed at the @oberoihotels throughout. 100% recommend. The doctor that came to my hotel room was the personal doctor of the 11th President of India, I believe. This is my only claim to fame and will be etched on my tombstone. And I’m dying to go back! Have you been?? #indiatravelgram #indiaclicks #indiatourism #incredibleindia #udaipurtimes #jaipurdiaries #delhigram #agra #teamindia #india_clicks #agraindia🇮🇳 #jaipurinfluencers #udaipurdairies #india_gram #indiareels #indiareels⭐️ #indiareelslover😍💫
I really don’t post enough about where we live - I really don’t post enough about where we live - a truly magical place. As such, here’s an intimate tour of our house. Yes, it’s a pain in the ass to clean, and uninvited foreign people walk through it all day, but it really is the perfect place to lay my head (until security kicks me out). 😻 📍Sevilla, Spain 🇪🇸 And if I got any of the “facts” “wrong” don’t @ me. You can’t argue with Wikipedia. It’s never been wrong, ever! 🙄😬🫠🤷🏼‍♂️ #royalalcazar #sevillahoy #sevillespain #séville #sevillagram #reinayseñoradesevilla #spainexperience #spainexpats #spainwithkids #travelfamily
We’ve had a lot of new unfollowers lately, so I We’ve had a lot of new unfollowers lately, so I thought we’d reintroduce ourselves. Only, the task of writing a witty introduction seemed daunting, so I outsourced it all to artificial intelligence. Here’s what it came up with: Meet Where the Kids Roam - the real-life version of the Brady Bunch, minus the talent and good looks. 😒👎🏻 @wherethekidsroam I will say it took a lot of prompting to get a passably sarcastic result, which is good. If these things immediately cranked out solid gold sarcasm, my only possible discernible talent would be made redundant. I’d have to wholly rely on my good looks and casting-couch talent to put food on the table. And nobody wants that, trust me. 🙅🏼‍♂️ But then another ray of light surfaced when I asked AI to playfully make fun of my wife in the caption. It wouldn’t do it! 🤯 Something about it being mean, hurtful and how it’s more productive for me to focus on constructive and positive thoughts blah blah blah 🗣️. Anyhow, an hour later, we agreed to disagree (I have the chat if you want to read it, it’s testy at times, but a good read. Btw - Even though I’m a practicing attorney, I miiiiiight have lost the debate). And it was then that I knew, no robot will EVER replace me making fun of my wife. How lucky am I, I mean you…how lucky are you @socal_to_sevilla ? 😈😘
Today might just be the best day of the year in Se Today might just be the best day of the year in Sevilla, Spain 🇪🇸 👏🏻 🤴🏻🤴🏿🤴🏼 🎁 🍬 #losreyesmagos #threekingsday #seville #sevilla #sevillahoy #3kings #tresreyesmagos #3reyesmagos #sevillagram #sevillasecreta #sevillaciudad #megustasevilla
Perfect Paris travel guide. Save this post!! 1. Perfect Paris travel guide. Save this post!! 1. First, give yourself no more than 72 hours in and around Paris. There are only so many snails you can eat; cigarettes your kids can smoke. The key is limiting life’s pleasures. 2. Select the earliest morning flight out to Paris and try not to sleep at all the night before. This will ensure you’re absolutely exhausted the one day you gave yourself to see and enjoy one of the most beautiful cities in the world (the other days will be spent at Disneyland, see below). 3. There’s a museum called the Louvre. Skip it. No one really knows what’s inside and it’s not your job to find out. 4. Your kids will be tired. 30,000 steps is a lot in a day. Let them have their cigarette breaks they keep asking for. Science has consistently proven it’s good for growing lungs. 5. Spend two whole days in Disneyland Paris. This is exactly two days too long, which is perfect. 6. Only go in Winter. It’ll either be raining and cold, snowing and cold, windy and cold, or just plain cold. The common denominator is cold. Remember that. Paris does it well. 7. Buy a beret. Take 2,497 pictures of you in your new beret in front of the Eiffel Tower. It’ll be novel. People will be jealous they didn’t think of it first. 8. Role play. You’re an ambitious twenty-something marketing executive from Chicago who unexpectedly lands her dream job in Paris when her company acquired a French luxury marketing company - and you’re tasked with revamping their social media strategy. Your new life in Paris is filled with intoxicating adventures and surprising challenges as you juggle winning over your work colleagues, making friends, and navigating new romances. Yes, your outfits will be outrageous and impossible to afford on your salary. 9. Visit Notre Dame when it’s raining. Force your way inside. When they tell you you can’t because of the fire, loudly explain (in English) that there can’t be fire when it’s raining. It’s your job to spread logic to the uncivilized world. 10. Fly home. There’s nothing more to do. You cultured yourself and your kids by taking them to an American theme park and buying a beret. Your job is done. Congratulations 🍾
I felt obliged to do a year-end recap video. But I I felt obliged to do a year-end recap video. But I performed absolutely zero research on the month or year of these videos. All I know is I wanted to make it seem like we had an awesome year, never worked, won the lottery, galavanted around the world for free, and didn’t spend a single moment worrying about a damn thing. This is how these things work, right? 🤙🏻💥 #nailedit Happy almost New Year everyone. 🥳 🎉 #yearinreview #yearend #yearrecap #yearrecap2022 #endofyear #yeartravel #gapyear #travelwithkids #holidayswithfamily #holidayswithkids
See us on our new show - Vacation Nightmares with See us on our new show - Vacation Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay. Hoping he’ll whip this family into shape. Should be a hoot. #parisfrance #eiffeltower🗼 #travelwithkids #familytravel #travelfam #pariswithkids #francewithkids #parísnights #gordonramsay
Merry Christmas everyone!! 🎄💫 💚 We did i Merry Christmas everyone!! 🎄💫 💚 We did it! We finally made it to the country of Paris. It’s an American dream come true. 👏🏻😍🤩😃🇺🇸🇫🇷 So, on our way to see Le Mickey Mouse (he smokes, wears a beret, and shoots kids disgusted looks here 🚬🐭🥖) we stopped at this phallic-looking radio tower. It was super fun to see. Unfortunately, I lost €800 in what I’m starting to think was a rigged shell game 🤔 (which actually didn’t matter because I was pickpocketed 15 minutes later 🤷🏼‍♂️). Good times? Nope, the BEST times! 😃 Seriously, I hadn’t been to Paris in about 15 years and it was even more beautiful than I remembered it. 10/10 recommend this beautiful country. Have you been? #countryofparis #parisjackson #parishilton #paristexas #disneylandparis #lemickeymouse #parisfamilyphoto #travelwithkids #familytravel #familytravels
So, Croatia 🇭🇷 lost in the World Cup 🏆 se So, Croatia 🇭🇷 lost in the World Cup 🏆 semifinals last night. You could point to several clear and obvious reasons why - coaching, player underachievement, strong opponent, etc. But you’d be wrong. These four are to blame. I mean, obviously. Just look at them. 🫵🏻👎🏻😠 I feel like any country they step foot in is doomed in sports that calendar year. Meaning, Spain may never win anything again. 😞😬 And, since we visited France and Croatia this year, among other places, they’re out. 🙅🏼‍♂️ N.B. We were just about to board a plane to Marrakech this year before my wife backed out. So Morocco is still alive, which is a good thing because otherwise we’d just crown Argentina now and not even play these last two games. You’re welcome. So, now you know. In four years, contact me so we can coordinate our travel itinerary with your betting strategy. And if (when?) France ends up winning it all…I will simply just edit this caption and vehemently deny I ever wrote it. 🤫 Oh, have you been to Dubrovnik before? Apparently, they built this whole little city for a show called Throne Game, or something like that. Not really sure, but everyone kept talking about the game’s little people, incest, and fire lizards, which ticks off just about everything I like in a show. I might check it out. Anyhow, cool movie set. We liked. 👏🏻 #croatiatravel #croatiafulloflife #dubravka #dubrovnic #croatie🇭🇷 #croatia_lovers #croatiafullofmagic #travelfam #familytravel
“My wife is the luckiest woman in the world! She “My wife is the luckiest woman in the world! She gets to chase me, a stallion, around the world while complimenting my incredible looks and intelligence all while our three kids, which may or may not be mine, follow in tow.” - Me? Artificial intelligence is everywhere. It’s all very frightening and exhilarating at the same time. But who knows what’s real anymore? The above caption? Not mine. Entirely created by #chatgpt @chatgpt (swipe for proof) And what about this first photo? That old woman and her obnoxious kids? They don’t exist. 🙅🏼‍♂️ I created them with @openaidalle #fakefamily That background of Portuguese blue/green tiles? No such thing. Portugal isn’t even a real place. Every Spanish person would agree 🤫#portugaldoesntexist 🇵🇹 And, finally, since I’m coming clean with everything. I’m not even from this galaxy. I’m an intergalactic traveler sent to earth to waste your time on social media. Mission accomplished, I’d say. 😮‍💨 Swipe for my intergalactic passport photos. #avatar @lensa.ai So, anyhow…Peace out everyone, I’m leaving this dumpster fire of a planet before you destroy it. ✌🏻🚀🧑‍🚀 #headedtouranus
Alone on the coast of Portugal. Except for the peo Alone on the coast of Portugal. Except for the people in that big building, of course. Oh, and the people walking the beach. And the people up at the nearby bar. I think there were a few people swimming too. And some fishermen. But, alone. I was mostly all alone. And it was great. 😍 Speaking of alone…So, Instagram Stories are still alive and well. I talk to lots of people there. But, is the rest of Instagram dead? Is anyone out there watching these untrendy travel Reels for mere travel inspiration that don’t feature someone pranking someone else who is obviously in on the prank and a really bad actor? Give me a sign that you’re alive in the comments and I’ll let your family know you’re safe. If not, I’ll see you on the other side. 🤙🏻☠️ Cheers. #portugalbeaches #lagosportugal🇵🇹 #lagosportugal #thealgarve #algarveportugal #algarvelovers #algarvecoast #algarvetourism
Don’t mind me, I’m just here to post my mandat Don’t mind me, I’m just here to post my mandatory, once-every-two-weeks Reel to prove to my family I’m still alive and to acquire validation about my life decisions from complete strangers. Thanks for your cooperation. ✌🏻 So, it’s not much of a secret that we didn’t love the whole expensive Italian James Bond peninsula area just south of Naples where Roman emperors chucked babies off cliffs into the sea (I have no idea what the area is called. Help me. Sorrentine Peninsula? Amalfi? Salerno? Or, is what I wrote above the actual, official name? Please tell me it is.). Anyhow, I think it’s all visually stunning, sure. But the prices, crowds, driving difficulties, etc. make it a pass with kids imho. Having said that, Ravello was a revelation (a Ravelloation? 🤔). 9.3/10 recommend. Especially the baby-chucking part. 💯🤌🏻 #ravelloitaly #amalficoast_ #amalficoastitaly #travelwithkids #travelfam #wanderwithkids #travelfamilies #familytravel #wanderlust #italywithkids #italytrip #summerinitaly
I went to school in Santa Barbara, California - a I went to school in Santa Barbara, California - a famously beautiful Spanish-architecture city that attracts English royalty and Oprahs. So, when we moved to Spain almost four years ago, I expected to see a country full of Santa Barbaras. But when that didn’t happen, I was really confused and had many non-germane questions. Questions like - Did Oprah lie to me? Should I still be the local president of my “Oprah’s Book Club” club? Does the restraining order mean Oprah doesn’t like me? Anyhow, we eventually stumbled onto Frigiliana. A town free of monarchs and people who file unnecessary retraining orders. And, there it was…the Santa Barbara of Spain™ (feel free to use this in marketing materials, Frigiliana 😉). It’s like the Moors, Greeks, and Spanish got together and built a perfectly perched, whitewashed city next to the Alboran Sea filled with history, bougainvilleas, and Zoltar fortune teller machines that turn twelve-year-old boys into adults (who look like a young Tom Hanks) so they can skirt those pesky statutory rape laws. 10/10 recommend. 👌🏻 #frigiliana #malaga #andalusia #andaluz #frigiliana_andalucia_spain #andalucia_photos #andalusian #andalusien
Florence is the best city in Italy. I’m making i Florence is the best city in Italy. I’m making it official. Disagree with me? Tell me which city is better. 👇🏻 All wrong answers will be accepted, mocked, and passed along to the proper authorities👮‍♂️ #firenze🇮🇹 #florenceitaly #florencewithkids #holidayswithkids #travelingfamily #firenzetoday #firenze4ever #duomodifirenze #florenceitaly🇮🇹
My favorite place in Portugal. It doesn’t get th My favorite place in Portugal. It doesn’t get the love it deserves because it’s sandwiched between a couple other big touristy places littered with human beings desperate to tell people they waited in line for over an hour to see a large wishing well or walls painted pink. (I actually love those places too 🤫) Pro tip, though - if you don’t exit the Moorish Castle immediately(!) when they announce over a speaker that they’re closing - THEY WILL LOCK YOU IN THE MOTHERFUCKER (for the night). I’m speaking from experience, of course. Luckily the last worker guy walking away down the exit trail from the castle heard (and saw) my desperate, panicked, ugly sobbing and took pity on us.* Good times. Have you been?? #moorishcastle #sintralovers #sintragram #sintra_alive #castleofthemoors #sintraportugal🇵🇹 #visitsintra #sintralovers🍃🌿 #sintra🇵🇹 #travelingwithkids #familytravel #travelingfamily * If I’m being honest, I was rooting for being trapped inside for the night…😉 I live for things like that.
I was recently hired by a tourism board to create I was recently hired by a tourism board to create a video meant to entice Americans to visit Slovenia. My tag line, spoken by me in a deep, heavily-accented voice of unknown origins was - “Come to Slovenia. We’re no longer Slovakia.” I thought this might clear things up for Americans; the tourism board did not. So here we are. 🤷🏼‍♂️ In case you’re Slovakian, and offended, I made all of that up ☝🏼 Us Americans know you’re still one unified country 👏🏻👐🏻🙌🏻👍🏻 #kiddingofcourse Have you been to Slovakia? I mean, Slovenia? 😃😘 #senidah #slovenia #sloveniatravel #visitslovenia #slovenialovers #feelslovenia #sloveniaoutdoor #slovenia_ig #sloveniatrip #sloveniawonders
Traveling with kids is so exhilarating. Sorry, I m Traveling with kids is so exhilarating. Sorry, I meant exhausting. Traveling with kids is so exhausting. Damn autocorrect. 😒 But traveling with kids for 10 weeks was just plain satisfying. I meant stupid. Just plain stupid. I might need to get a new phone….😅 Seriously, this was one of the top 45 summers of my life. 👏🏻 And I mean that. I can’t wait for next year! 😂😵‍💫😮‍💨 #bestsummerever #ikidikid On a serious note, for once. Life is moving so fast and the kids have grown so much. It’s all very anxiety-inducing. Thus, it’s become so very important to stay present and appreciative all the time. I’ve therefore employed a couple of handy mental exercises/tactics that I’d like to share with you. First, whenever, say, the kids ask me for something, I simply close my eyes, cover my ears, and envision myself alone on a beach in a time when no one bugged me for anything. It really helps me appreciate the little time I have with them. Second, when they get a little too rambunctious, I envision myself taking a nice, slow, two-hour run. I then manifest that vision into reality. It really helps with me being present in the moment. Any tips you’d like to share? Honestly, I’ll really be serious now. I keep imagining, what if I’ve already lived most of my life, my kids have grown up, and I’m all alone now? What would I do to have a second chance with them at this age? I think I’d give just about anything to make that come true. I then try my best to simply envision that my second chance came true. Second, with all the mistakes I’ve made, and with all the things that I let stress me out, I try to envision myself dead, looking back on my life, giving my present self advice. “Don’t worry about that,” I’d say. “This is the time of your life,” I’d bellow. “Enjoy what little hair you have while you’ve got it,” I’d sigh. It’s, uh, helpful too. Btw, if you comment below, I promise I’ll reply with an autocorrect/auto fill that my phone suggests. Try it!
Have you updated to iOS 16? It’s, uh, fun. 😅 Have you updated to iOS 16? It’s, uh, fun. 😅 Follow @wherethekidsroam for useless tips every month or so. But probably not. And, remember…We travel with kids so you don’t have to!™ #travelreels #reelsaroundtheworld #travelfamily #ios16 #iphone13pro #familytravel #safarikids #wanderingtheworld
Legit iPhone photo taken and (sorta) edited by my Legit iPhone photo taken and (sorta) edited by my daughter. Normally, when I hand my kids the phone and let them take photos I get 2,145 (they tend to just hold down the button) photos of their faces - usually from below and zoomed in so I can see right up their noses. But yet I keep them all because I have a weird thing about not deleting photos. Anyone else with me on any of this? #venizia🇮🇹 #veniceitaly #veneziagram #venicewithkids #italywithkids #travelfamily #familytravel #italysummer #italywithkids
I’m never gonna give you up Montenegro 🇲🇪 I’m never gonna give you up Montenegro 🇲🇪 Also, I’m never going to give up giving you THE best travel advice. Thus, here’s the perfect one-day itinerary for Kotor, Montenegro. 07:00 - After someone knocks on your door, quickly wake up from your recurring dream of accidentally posting a naked photo to your social media account (why do you have so many?). Realize you’re on an overnight ferry from Italy to Croatia (What did you drink last night that you forgot?). See that you decided to sleep in between the two beds in the room and onto the dirty carpet (without a pillow) underneath dangling bandaids attached to a ceiling that assuredly once housed spy cameras. That knock you just heard was to tell you it’s time to get off the boat. Scramble to get your family presentable to the general public. Feel the familiar pain in your back due to years of single-handedly carrying your family on it. 😔 08:30 - Walk out into the fresh air to see Dubrovnik in the distance. Suck in cigarette smoke from approximately 200 people who are also enjoying the fresh air. 😣 09:30 - Exit the ferry via car. You’re free! Time to explore. Spend the next hour and a half inching along in a long line of cars waiting to get through customs. 😒 11:30 - Stop for lunch. Watch youngest child turn into an absolute maniac. Ponder why he inherited so many attributes from his mother. 🤔 13:30 - Ok…You’re free now! Only two hours to Kotor (55 miles; 89km). Alas…spend the next 2.5 hours in the line for the border crossing. ☹️ 18:00 - Make it to Kotor. Realize you had no idea what Kotor was and that it had a giant, hikeable wall stretching up the mountain behind it. 😃 18:30 - Convince your family to make the hike. Make sure your spouse and children are in slippery sandals and be sure to empty all their water bottles. 😈 18:45 - Commence hiking in oppressive heat. 🥵 19:00 - Block out every single person in your family complaining. 🥱 19:30 - Have a spiritual moment with the sunset. 😌 21:30 - Enjoy your bottle of wine while your family’s evil looks bounce off you. 🤫 23:00 - Make easy 3.5 hour drive back to your Airbnb in Dubrovnik. 😑 02:30 - Go to bed a winner. 😅 Easy. #kotormontenegro
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The fine print: Every travel story is a complete fabrication. Truth is, I've never even left the United States (nor do I have a wife or kids).