• Home
  • About
    • Disclaimer!
  • 1001 Beautiful Travel Moments
  • Adventures with Kids
  • Travel Tales

Where the Kids Roam

Adventures in Parenting Adventures with Kids

Rho Takes a Break

Because life is exhausting. 

Share

No Comments

Leave a Reply Cancel Reply

wherethekidsroam
People always (never?) come to me to hear real fac People always (never?) come to me to hear real facts about real places. So here I am giving the people what they want! #lisbonportugal Lisbon (pronounced “Lith-bun” but with a heavier lisp) is a city first discovered and made famous by influencers in 2016. Previously unknown to the outside world, brave “explorers” such as Becky from Michigan were able to decipher the cryptic clues left in a baffling language on numerous street signs to finally find the destination she yearned for ever since she saw that photo of that one girl with a red dress twirling in the middle of a busy street while the natives looked on in disbelief about their fortune of being in the presence of social media royalty. Becky writes in her travel journal, I mean…err…Twitter, “It’s like San Francisco except they, like, paint the ground and stuff. Omg I got so many likes there too.” Becky continues, “I was scared at first, but later got up to nerve to, like, approach local people to learn more about whether they could take a good picture of me or not.” Thanks to the bravery of Becky, and many others, locals (i.e. Lithbunners) are now able to support themselves with the knowledge that their city routinely makes the explore page on Instagram. An important travel advisory about going here though. As Jessica from Florida writes, “Be careful, very careful. Because Lithbunners will want to talk your ear off about their culture or something like that. Just make sure they keep bringing you pretty food on pretty plates from pretty buildings and you’ll be fine.” Let me know in the comments if you want more history, city guides, etc. And feel free to make fun of me for being a petty “influencer” too 😉😄🙃 #lisboalive #lisboacool #lisbonlife #lisbonstreets #lisboasecreta #holidayswithkids #familytravel
Back to Spain!! 🇪🇸 💃🏼🐂🐖#spainpar Back to Spain!! 🇪🇸 💃🏼🐂🐖#spainparttwo (swipe for us two years ago 👶🏻) So, when we left Spain to return to the US this summer, there was, I’d say, only about a 38.2534% chance we’d return. But we decided we had some unfinished business, such as: •Figuring out what a bidet is (other than an occasional drinking fountain and the place where the kids inevitability knock over my wife’s toothbrushes (don’t worry, I always put them back before she finds out)). • The adults learning Spanish 🤦🏼‍♂️ This is embarrassing, I’ll admit. On a positive note, I JUST learned the Spanish words for “no”, “taxi”, “hotel”, and “hospital” this week. 😃 They are “no”, “taxi”, “hotel”, and “hospital”. 😒 • Learning to live longer! Spain is set to overtake Japan as the country with the longest life expectancy. From what I can tell, we just need to drink more alcohol (not sure this is possible), smoke a pack of cigarettes a day (I think I already get this with secondhand smoke), and eat as much red meat in a sitting as a utterly famished lion cub. • Learning not to helicopter parent. I think this is impossible now in the US. In California, I once left two kids in the car on a cool day to quickly grab the other one from swimming. When I came back out three minutes later, four people had encircled my car ready to call the cops/CPS. In Spain, my kids get the freedom my generation had growing up. It’s really necessary I think. And, by necessary, I mean it’s really necessary that they go play the fuck at a park across a busy street (or whatever, who cares) while the adults sit at a bar in an adjacent park and actually try to fucking enjoy themselves, necessary. Don’t get mad at me, I always go collect them the next day. • Teaching my kids personal accountability. Like, if you slip on a store floor negligently left wet, you don’t just sue. If some kid in your class purposely blinds you with their pencil, you just learn to live with one eye. If an entire terrace in desperate need of repair collapses and crushes your skull, it just wasn’t your day. On second thought, yikes Spain 😨 Anyhow, we’re back! See you guys later. Or, as the locals say, hasta later ya’ll! 🇪🇸🤙🏻
About a month ago, on my last IG post, I wrote - “I vow to start posting fresh, informative, and inspirational Instagram content on a daily basis.” I can see now that was a lie. Thus, today, I vow to never make vows again. So, we just finished what had to be our longest summer thus far. Three months across six countries and eight US states. My wife said she’d kill me if I planned anything like this again. So, in the comments, please give me the ideal, insane itinerary for next summer, as I plan to go out on a high note. 😃 Things I’ve learned this summer: • The US makes kid glasses that don’t shatter into your eyes when they break. I feel like this is slightly better than the Spanish equivalent, which I dub “The Pirate Maker.” • One should avoid traveling with kids. • I do not miss the USA. Ok, I miss the food, that brings me to… • There is no limit to the number of burritos I can consume in a summer. I ate exactly 3,657. But I could have eaten ♾. How is there no good Mexican food in Europe? Do good burritos just not cross the Atlantic? Why are all the top scientists not trying to answer this question? Are they busy or something? I demand answers. • You won’t get brain damage (or convulse) with a 106 degree Fahrenheit (41.1 Celsius) fever (but you’ll come damn close). Props for my wife for getting what the paramedic called, “the highest temperature reading he’s ever taken.” Double props to the doctor who called three days later and admitted the hospital shouldn’t have released her right away. • The volcanic, gas-heated water in Yellowstone National Park (pictured) is not for drinking. Granted, I learned this 30 years ago when my stepmom couldn’t resist herself, but it was a good lesson to remember. They aren’t ideal jacuzzis either. • One should avoid traveling with kids. • I will never stop worrying about my children. The day before we do anything “big” (like, a gentle hike), I have these lucid dreams where I’m saving them from certain death. Anyone else constantly get these? Finally, I vow to start posting fresh, informative, and inspirational Instagram content on a DAILY basis. This is my unbreakable promise. I guarantee it’ll happen. 100% 🙄
Over two weeks ago, I made the solemn promise to f Over two weeks ago, I made the solemn promise to forgo all MY work and parental responsibilities just to bring YOU fresh, informative, and inspirational Instagram content on a daily basis. But that was a bullshit vow and you shouldn’t believe anything I say. Instead, today (again, over two weeks since my last post), you get a series of uninspired, semi-masked photos from maybe 10 months ago at a castle or something (Google the phrase “What is Wikipedia and how can I use it to learn about random, UNESCO World Heritage buildings in Portugal” to learn more). Oh, and, today I encourage you to reach your goals or whatever. Or, better yet, just be content with easily-attained mediocrity like I have. #livingyoursortofoklife #dreammedium #thedailymeh On a serious note, I vow to start posting fresh, informative, and inspirational Instagram content on a daily basis. You might want to turn your notifications on. 😃🤞🏻🙄 In the comments tell me something (anything) you’re really interested in and I promise to cut and paste the Wikipedia entry as my reply (you can actually believe this promise, I promise). Try it. #belemtower #lisboalive #lisboa🇵🇹 #lisbonportugal #lisbontravel #torrebelem #belémtower #lisbonne🇵🇹 #lisboa❤️ #unescosite #unescoheritagesite #lisboncity
I’ve seen other families get together and rank t I’ve seen other families get together and rank their favorite countries visited with a fun, little scoring system. I thought I’d do the same. Thus, I asked my kids to rank the countries they’d been to. It did not go as well as I hoped. Here are snippets of our conversation: Me: What about Iceland? You remember Iceland? Youngest boy: I remember the penguins. Me: There are no penguins. Oldest boy: Oh yeah, Estonia! I remember! I love penguins. Me: Ok, forget Iceland, what about France? Girl: That’s where mom said even if you guys bought us birthday presents we wouldn’t get them. Me: What?! No. Not true at all. Oldest boy: I remember that, but I don’t remember France at all. Me: You don’t remember you fell on your face twice, in the same place, there was a hole in your head and we were in the emergency room both times? Oldest boy: No. What’s a mergencee room? Me: That’s where that giant scar on your forehead comes from. Oldest boy: What scar? Youngest boy: I want to see the penguins in Estonia. Me: I give up. Girl: Are we getting birthday presents this year? Anyway, every kid remembers the monasteries we saw in Greece. Sorry, correction…every kid remembers the water slides we went on in Greece. But I remember the monasteries, and they were absolutely magical. Truly, one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. And I’ll never forget all the penguins we saw when we were there. 🐧😍 #greecewithkids #holidayswithkids #wtkr #greecetravel #meteoragreece #greeceinstagram #grecia🇬🇷 #grècia
English 🇺🇸 above👆🏻, word-for-word Span English 🇺🇸 above👆🏻, word-for-word Spanish 🇪🇸 translation below👇🏻 “Home is inside you.” - Confucius —————————————————— ¡Hola a todos! Creo que nos hemos deshecho de esas personas patéticas que solo hablan inglés gracias a la estúpida cita anterior. Les encantan esas cosas y nunca sabrán que estamos hablando de ellos. 🤫 ¡Ok, tiempo de broma! ¿Cómo se llama a alguien que habla tres idiomas? Trilingüe. ¿Cómo se llama a alguien que habla dos idiomas? Bilingüe. ¿Cómo llamas a alguien que habla un idioma? ¡¡Americano!! jajajajajaja 😂😂 Ok, ¡dejemos a esos tontos en paz! Oh, y espero que ese pequeño botón de "traducción" no aparezca 😅😬
On our current trip, we’ve somehow lost my daugh On our current trip, we’ve somehow lost my daughter’s camera (@fujifilmx_us pictured), most of our kids’ school supplies, one sock out of every pair of socks I brought for myself (how does this always happen?), all three metal water bottles for the kids (all three! THREE!), my flip flops, my old iPhone, my mind, and one child (safely recovered at a later date). Where does this all go (most likely to the cleaning crew, yes, I’m aware 😕)? Seriously, has anyone gotten things back? I wanna hear success stories. I have personally never recovered ANYTHING left on an airplane or in a hotel/Airbnb. Why? How? I once walked off a plane and down the hallway to the gate when I realized I left my @carrera sunglasses on the plane, but in those three to five minutes my sunglasses (left hidden in the pocket on the back of the seat in front of me) had totally vanished into the ether. Poof. Another time, in the mid-90s, I left half of my Swingers-inspired clothes (think bad khakis and bowling shirts) in the closet of a Las Vegas hotel, never to be seen again. (Though, looking back, I think @excaliburvegas did me a favor. I’m guessing they humanely burned everything. 🤔) Anyhow, this is simply my ridiculous plea for @airbnb @americanair @united @tripadvisor @bookingcom @hotelsdotcom and everyone else to finally just give me back the stuff they “borrowed.” 🤨⏱ #timesup Except the, uhhhh…swing dance stuff, for obvious reasons. 😃😅 #holidayshenanigans #athens_city #greeceshotz #greecelove #grècia #grecian #greeceinstagram #greecetravelgr
Last year on this day, I was yelling “‘Merica Last year on this day, I was yelling “‘Merica bitches” from my terrace to surprised Spaniards in lockdown while wearing my USA Stars and Stripes face mask as a banana hammock bathing suit, shooting off my invisible semi-automatic guns in the air, lighting anything with a fuse on fire (mostly @yankeecandle scented candles), and about to blackout on imported @whiteclaw hard seltzer. But this year I plan on reaaaaalllly partying!! 😵 I may bash the USA a lot, but I do really love it. Happy 4th of July ya’ll. 🇺🇸 Bang bang.💥 Btw, props to my wife who let me take a four-hour detour to @archesnps on an already-11-hour drive day. The only price I had to pay was awkward silence only broken by my occasional apologies the last seven hours in the car. #totallyworthit 😃 People in Europe (Europeans? 🤔🤷🏼‍♂️), how do you plan to celebrate the 4th of July? I know how super important this day is to you…. (Edit: I just realized you are all probably asleep right now, which is so lame and unpatriotic 😕👎🏻) #nationalparkswithkids #holidayswithkids #familytravel #familytrip #familytraveller #archesnationalpark #nps #parksproject #usanumber1 #happy4thofjuly🇺🇸 #happy4thofjuly🇺🇸🎉 #america
We finally returned to Rum! #wadirum Last time w We finally returned to Rum! #wadirum Last time we were in Wadi Rum was 13 years ago and it was just my wife and me (slide for those old photos). We arrived with no place to stay, but quickly met someone outside the visitor’s center who took us to his friend’s brother’s cousin’s house (that first guy later got fined for not having us pay through the visitor’s center). There, we had some tea and sat slightly uncomfortably in a living room for over an hour not knowing what was going on. But soon we were hopping onboard a stranger’s pickup truck and being whisked across the desert, tracing the footsteps of T.E. Lawrence #lawrenceofarabia After a day of spectacular sightseeing and dangerous rock climbing, we ended up at our camp, where our two Bedouin guides proceeded to get hammered on hashish, Red Bulls and vodka, and beer. After one of them sang the most passionate love song to his mother, they both just got up and left us alone in the desert (well, two other tourists were with us - a couple from Malaysia). Too hot to sleep inside the tent, we slept under a sea of stars. In the morning, we spent much time trying to wake the Bedouins (they obviously returned at some point) to no avail. Our Malaysian friends therefore missed their bus. Laughs were shared by all (Bedouins). In other words, it was an amazing time…full of adventure. This time we returned to a very commercialized experience. Maybe the lack of hashish and abandonment was better for the kids, but we sure thought it was better in Rum the first time around. 🤷🏼‍♂️ You ever return to a place and have it lose its magic? Anyhow, I’ll leave you with a couple of quotable quotes from Bedouins we met 13 years ago (feel free to use these in daily discourse): “You see, a woman could be hugging you and still could figure out a way to make love to another man.” (This guy also said a woman could figure out how to cheat on a man, even if kept on a leash) Clenched teeth rating=😬😬😬 “I'd be a very bad wife. I'd make love to every man in town. Then, you'd have to kill me.” Clenched teeth rating=😬😬😬😬😬 #familytravels #MYJORDANJOURNEY #JORDAN #MYJORDAN #wanderlist #wtkr #bedouincamp #bedouinlife
Happy Father’s Day to the greatest guy I know. A Happy Father’s Day to the greatest guy I know. A man so blessed in looks, so gifted in intelligence, so blissfully unaware of his own perfection, so virile it makes statues of Greek gods appear namby-pamby, so…ugh…it hurts my head just thinking about all the superlatives that apply. I am forever grateful you blessed me with your body, your soul, your musk. How can I even repay you? Hey, @socal_to_sevilla I drafted the above 👆🏻 caption for you to use today in an Instagram post devoted to me. Please don’t edit and post without my prior approval. Thank you for your continued cooperation. #fathersday #petrajordan #myjordanjourney #jordancountry #unesco #holidayswithkids #wanderfam #wanderlusting #madbadtraveldad
Number seven on my list of things to do today is t Number seven on my list of things to do today is to create a new bucket list, since I think I just finished my old one. ✅😅 Number 1,496 on my list today is to stop being so pretentious and annoying (like above). Admittedly, I might not ever get to this one. 🤔😃 Anyhow, I’m super grateful to get back to Petra after a 13-year hiatus (slide to see our first visit). Though much of the area has grown and therefore changed, it was comforting to see my wife still get hit on by pre-teen Bedouins all day. So, thankfully, not too much has changed. 😃 Much thanks for @royaljordanian for making this happen. #favoriteairline 👑 #myjordanjourney #myjordan #petrajordan #royaljordanian #unescoheritage #unescosite #nabatean #worldwonder #travelwithkids #holidayswithkids #familytravel
I know it doesn’t exist, but I wish someone woul I know it doesn’t exist, but I wish someone would pay me just to hang out with my kids all day. Because then I could use that money to hire a babysitter so I could finally get some time alone. Anyhow, it’s official. The kids found their favorite hotel in the world @westincostanavarino @costanavarino @marriottbonvoy Honestly, I didn’t go here for the kids. I’m a huge fan of those Richard Linklater movies - Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Before Midnight. And Before Midnight took place in this whole region, including scenes at the hotel. I had it all planned out - my wife and I would act out whole scenes from the movie in the exact locations they took place. But once we found out the hotel had beer and waterslides, well…my plan obviously went to shit. 🤷🏼‍♂️ What are some of your favorite hotels in the world? I’m looking for more magic like we found here. Girl child’s outfit by @pavonada_com Man child’s outfit by the final sale, no-returns-allowed rack at H&M #greecewithkids #greecelover_gr #greece_travel #grécia #grècia #grecia🇬🇷 #costanavarinomoments #costanavarinoresort #marriottbonvoy
I rarely, if ever, post anything of our vacation w I rarely, if ever, post anything of our vacation while we’re on vacation. Simply because I’m afraid of you burgling our home while we’re away (yes, I’m talking about you). But we’re technically, fully nomadic at the moment. All of our material possessions are spread across nine cities in three countries. In other words, we’re such a mess that you’ll really struggle to steal it all from us. And, actually, you’d be doing us a favor if you did. So, I’m posting away! 😉 #stealaway Not since my wife and I traveled around the world for 14 months has everything been so much of a daily adventure - full of difficulties and surprises. Only, this time it’s with three kids, two demanding jobs, and 12 extra pieces of luggage. And it has been a little weird. Hell, we just spent three nights in Cyprus (where we weren’t planning on going) just frantically working from a decent hotel in a sea of abandoned whorehouses (where my wife didn’t even leave the hotel and I only did so that I could show my kids what would happen to their lives if they weren’t diligent in their schoolwork). #lifelessons Not since we flew from Johannesburg to Mauritius only to return nine hours later (we had to keep the flight or else the rest of our RTW plane tickets would have been voided) have we made such strange, seemingly pointless travel. But we needed to go to Cyprus to get to Jordan, where we are now…waiting on my birthday for a driver that may or may not come after three other options fell through. It’s a bit surreal, but so much takes me back to our trip 13 years ago where life was coming at us so fast. 🌬 😅 Anyhow, this picture (and swipe for video) is from a crazy cool castle on the water at the edge of what is quite possibly one of the prettiest places in the world we’ve seen - Messenia, Greece. Life is good. #holidayswithkids #travelfam #messenia #greecewithkids #wanderfam
The place where my heart should be is now full. Th The place where my heart should be is now full. This spot has been on my list for so long, and it didn’t fail to deliver. #meteora #amazinggreece This almost deserves a hashtag “blessed”, but I still have a modicum of self respect remaining. 🤏 Also, it was a really nice bonus to see other abstinent people around, even if theirs is by choice. #monklife 😃 I think @socal_to_sevilla is getting sick of these jokes, but what do I have to lose, amiright? 🤷🏼‍♂️😬 Would you live in a monastery (to avoid your family)? 😌 #meteoragreece #meteoramonastery #greeceisforlovers #greecewithkids #holidayswithkids #familytraveller #familyvacation #wanderfamily
No one keeps asking me - “Why don’t you post m No one keeps asking me - “Why don’t you post more? Especially pictures of you. We never see enough of you. You’re such a stud.” So, in an effort to keep no one happy, here’s a photo of me (and the kids). And here are my engagement questions - Why don’t you ask me for more of me? 😩😭 Am I being needy? Insecure? I can change I promise. Just give me a chance. I’m sorry I left those nine voice messages on your phone even though I know no one checks voice messages anymore. I just wanted to hear your voice. Check your WhatsApp too btw, I sent you a photo. No, it’s not that. You told me no more of that. But, yes, I got another tattoo of your face and name, this time over my heart. Can you please call me so we can fall asleep one last time while talking to each other? I miss that. I miss us. #engagementquestions #badatinstagram #greeceislands #naxosisland #naxosgreece #grecia🇬🇷 #greekgods #greekgod #greecekids #travelwithkids #holidayswithkids #wtkr
If you know me, you know I don’t do well with la If you know me, you know I don’t do well with large crowds. Thus, we left right after this photo was taken, when one other person arrived to the Parthenon 🏛☹️😒#crowded #greecewithkids #parthenon #acropolis Have you been to the Acropolis? Was it this crazy when you went?? 🤯😰 Anyhow, after being in a top secret location with very poor internet for four days we’re back online. What did I miss? Something important like a new Tik-Tok dance craze? 😬🙏🏻 #lovinggreece #athensforkids #greeceforever #greeceforkids
I woke up and started scrolling Instagram this mor I woke up and started scrolling Instagram this morning and I was not impressed. Here were my thoughts (in order): “You’re posting the same video to Reels everyone else is posting? Why?? Can’t you be original? Are you even using one of same five trendy songs they’re using too? 🤯 Try harder please.” “Great, a blurry photo of your family in some city, somewhere. Cool. Haven’t you figured out the export/import settings to properly post a sharp photo to Instagram yet?” “Yes, we get it. You sold everything to travel the world. Slow clap 👏🏻😒 Remind me, why do I care about 500 photos of your kids again?” “Are you selling something here (a kid?)? What is your purpose? Like, in life. What is your purpose in life? You’re wasting your time (and mine). 😾” And that’s when I realized I was scrolling my own feed. 😃✌🏻 In the comments, tell me what posts you want more of. Posts promoting deep-dish pizza? Posts telling you how good my life is so you’ll hate your own? Posts selling my secrets to guaranteed success? I’m open. 🤗 #algarveportugal #algarvelovers #algarvecoast #lagosportugal #lagosgirls #portugalfamily #wanderfamily #travelwithus #portugal_photos #portugalete #portugal_gems #portugal_places #portugalhotels #portugalmyworld #portugalvisuals
For the second Sunday in a row (Europe, then USA), For the second Sunday in a row (Europe, then USA), happy Mother’s Day 🎉👏🏻 Does this ever end? It feels like #mothersdayeveryday 😒 Here’s to the woman who literally and figuratively carries us on her back, but who strangely hates when we call her “donkey.” Go figure 🤔 Who knew? 🤷🏼‍♂️ I love you @socal_to_sevilla and I apologize for convincing the kids that I carried them in my belly and gave birth to them while you were in rehab. That was wrong and I understand that now. Finally, thank you for treating me like the child I am. I will take my bath and sandwich now. #portugalonthetop #portugaltourism #lisboa🇵🇹 #lisbonforever #lisboacool #lisboasecreta #lisbonne🇵🇹 #portugal_places #portugal_gems #mothersyay #mothersdayweekend
We might not be in Sevilla (or Spain) too much lon We might not be in Sevilla (or Spain) too much longer. And, even though I’ve had some frustrations with certain things here (e.g. 37 unnecessary dentist appointments), I honestly don’t think we’ve lived in a better city. We moved from the 6th safest city in the United States, and Sevilla makes our old city seem like South Sudan. No guns, no fights, no drunk people, kids out playing until midnight (sometimes, ironically, with guns). It’s all a little surreal. And, again, it’s not perfect. I could write a really long caption about our negative experiences. But I just want to end with the number one, best thing about Sevilla (and Spain in general)...and that is - there is no better place we’ve seen for kids. Kids are treated like royalty here, and often addressed as the same (i.e. Reina). For example, we’d only occasionally take our kids to restaurants back home. And there we’d get dirty looks from other patrons and purposely bad service from a 20 year old waiter who still expected a 20% tip (but that’s another topic). Not once has someone unnecessarily reprimanded our kids here. My youngest child could be hanging from the chandelier and he’d simply get a smile and a friendly rub on the head from the waitstaff. They understand that kids are kids and should be able to be kids because they’re kids (you get that?🤔)! It’s like the perfect childhood. 🥰 And for that, Spain, we are very grateful. Now, if you could just get my fucking kid down from the chandelier, I’d appreciate it 😌🙏🏻 🇪🇸 #expatfamily #expatlife #travelwithkids #spainkids #sevillanas #sevillahoy #sevillecathedral #sevillespain #sevillagram
I think it’s important to get your kids outside I think it’s important to get your kids outside the classroom, so they can actually do some real learning. Like when we visited this pink salt lake. The kids really wanted to know what it was, and how it was created. So I told them the truth, that it was created by mermaid blood and that drinking a mouthful of it would give them superpowers. Man, you should’ve seen their faces after they drank some and started violently throwing up. I feel like they really learned something that day. It’s 2021 so I have to write this - I’m kidding, obviously 👆🏻🙄 We’re seriously thinking about homeschooling the kids though. Can anyone share their good (or bad) experiences? 🙏🏻 #walvisbay #namibiatourism #travelwithkidstips #familyaffairs #familyphotoshoots #pinklake #saltlake #namibdesert #wanderlusting_soul
Load More... Follow on Instagram

About Me?

About Me?

I am a father, husband, world traveler, and unsolicited masseur. My wife thought that last description was creepy and untrue until she received an unexpected massage. After that, she just thought it was creepy. I love non sequiturs. Cake and children are equally delicious. When not around children who are screaming and crying, I like to read books. I have not read a book in eight years.

  • Flying High with Royal Jordanian

  • 1001 BTMs – #1 Walking Down the al-Sīq to the Treasury in Petra

  • 1001 Beautiful Travel Moments

  • One of the Best Countries to Take Kids – Vietnam

  • My Favorite Instagram Captions – Country Fact Edition (The Last One Will Blow Your Mind)

  • How to Disappear Completely (Yet Let Everyone Know You’re Living Your Best Life in Spain)

  • Rho Takes a Break

  • Our Gap Year Part II: Fiji

  • Our Gap Year Or: How I Learned To Love Sleeping In Hostel Twin Beds And Taking Cold Showers

  • How to Get the Fuck off the Hamster Wheel and Live Again: A Guide to Dropping out of Society and Forging your Own Path

Categories

Instagram

wherethekidsroam
People always (never?) come to me to hear real fac People always (never?) come to me to hear real facts about real places. So here I am giving the people what they want! #lisbonportugal Lisbon (pronounced “Lith-bun” but with a heavier lisp) is a city first discovered and made famous by influencers in 2016. Previously unknown to the outside world, brave “explorers” such as Becky from Michigan were able to decipher the cryptic clues left in a baffling language on numerous street signs to finally find the destination she yearned for ever since she saw that photo of that one girl with a red dress twirling in the middle of a busy street while the natives looked on in disbelief about their fortune of being in the presence of social media royalty. Becky writes in her travel journal, I mean…err…Twitter, “It’s like San Francisco except they, like, paint the ground and stuff. Omg I got so many likes there too.” Becky continues, “I was scared at first, but later got up to nerve to, like, approach local people to learn more about whether they could take a good picture of me or not.” Thanks to the bravery of Becky, and many others, locals (i.e. Lithbunners) are now able to support themselves with the knowledge that their city routinely makes the explore page on Instagram. An important travel advisory about going here though. As Jessica from Florida writes, “Be careful, very careful. Because Lithbunners will want to talk your ear off about their culture or something like that. Just make sure they keep bringing you pretty food on pretty plates from pretty buildings and you’ll be fine.” Let me know in the comments if you want more history, city guides, etc. And feel free to make fun of me for being a petty “influencer” too 😉😄🙃 #lisboalive #lisboacool #lisbonlife #lisbonstreets #lisboasecreta #holidayswithkids #familytravel
Back to Spain!! 🇪🇸 💃🏼🐂🐖#spainpar Back to Spain!! 🇪🇸 💃🏼🐂🐖#spainparttwo (swipe for us two years ago 👶🏻) So, when we left Spain to return to the US this summer, there was, I’d say, only about a 38.2534% chance we’d return. But we decided we had some unfinished business, such as: •Figuring out what a bidet is (other than an occasional drinking fountain and the place where the kids inevitability knock over my wife’s toothbrushes (don’t worry, I always put them back before she finds out)). • The adults learning Spanish 🤦🏼‍♂️ This is embarrassing, I’ll admit. On a positive note, I JUST learned the Spanish words for “no”, “taxi”, “hotel”, and “hospital” this week. 😃 They are “no”, “taxi”, “hotel”, and “hospital”. 😒 • Learning to live longer! Spain is set to overtake Japan as the country with the longest life expectancy. From what I can tell, we just need to drink more alcohol (not sure this is possible), smoke a pack of cigarettes a day (I think I already get this with secondhand smoke), and eat as much red meat in a sitting as a utterly famished lion cub. • Learning not to helicopter parent. I think this is impossible now in the US. In California, I once left two kids in the car on a cool day to quickly grab the other one from swimming. When I came back out three minutes later, four people had encircled my car ready to call the cops/CPS. In Spain, my kids get the freedom my generation had growing up. It’s really necessary I think. And, by necessary, I mean it’s really necessary that they go play the fuck at a park across a busy street (or whatever, who cares) while the adults sit at a bar in an adjacent park and actually try to fucking enjoy themselves, necessary. Don’t get mad at me, I always go collect them the next day. • Teaching my kids personal accountability. Like, if you slip on a store floor negligently left wet, you don’t just sue. If some kid in your class purposely blinds you with their pencil, you just learn to live with one eye. If an entire terrace in desperate need of repair collapses and crushes your skull, it just wasn’t your day. On second thought, yikes Spain 😨 Anyhow, we’re back! See you guys later. Or, as the locals say, hasta later ya’ll! 🇪🇸🤙🏻
About a month ago, on my last IG post, I wrote - “I vow to start posting fresh, informative, and inspirational Instagram content on a daily basis.” I can see now that was a lie. Thus, today, I vow to never make vows again. So, we just finished what had to be our longest summer thus far. Three months across six countries and eight US states. My wife said she’d kill me if I planned anything like this again. So, in the comments, please give me the ideal, insane itinerary for next summer, as I plan to go out on a high note. 😃 Things I’ve learned this summer: • The US makes kid glasses that don’t shatter into your eyes when they break. I feel like this is slightly better than the Spanish equivalent, which I dub “The Pirate Maker.” • One should avoid traveling with kids. • I do not miss the USA. Ok, I miss the food, that brings me to… • There is no limit to the number of burritos I can consume in a summer. I ate exactly 3,657. But I could have eaten ♾. How is there no good Mexican food in Europe? Do good burritos just not cross the Atlantic? Why are all the top scientists not trying to answer this question? Are they busy or something? I demand answers. • You won’t get brain damage (or convulse) with a 106 degree Fahrenheit (41.1 Celsius) fever (but you’ll come damn close). Props for my wife for getting what the paramedic called, “the highest temperature reading he’s ever taken.” Double props to the doctor who called three days later and admitted the hospital shouldn’t have released her right away. • The volcanic, gas-heated water in Yellowstone National Park (pictured) is not for drinking. Granted, I learned this 30 years ago when my stepmom couldn’t resist herself, but it was a good lesson to remember. They aren’t ideal jacuzzis either. • One should avoid traveling with kids. • I will never stop worrying about my children. The day before we do anything “big” (like, a gentle hike), I have these lucid dreams where I’m saving them from certain death. Anyone else constantly get these? Finally, I vow to start posting fresh, informative, and inspirational Instagram content on a DAILY basis. This is my unbreakable promise. I guarantee it’ll happen. 100% 🙄
Over two weeks ago, I made the solemn promise to f Over two weeks ago, I made the solemn promise to forgo all MY work and parental responsibilities just to bring YOU fresh, informative, and inspirational Instagram content on a daily basis. But that was a bullshit vow and you shouldn’t believe anything I say. Instead, today (again, over two weeks since my last post), you get a series of uninspired, semi-masked photos from maybe 10 months ago at a castle or something (Google the phrase “What is Wikipedia and how can I use it to learn about random, UNESCO World Heritage buildings in Portugal” to learn more). Oh, and, today I encourage you to reach your goals or whatever. Or, better yet, just be content with easily-attained mediocrity like I have. #livingyoursortofoklife #dreammedium #thedailymeh On a serious note, I vow to start posting fresh, informative, and inspirational Instagram content on a daily basis. You might want to turn your notifications on. 😃🤞🏻🙄 In the comments tell me something (anything) you’re really interested in and I promise to cut and paste the Wikipedia entry as my reply (you can actually believe this promise, I promise). Try it. #belemtower #lisboalive #lisboa🇵🇹 #lisbonportugal #lisbontravel #torrebelem #belémtower #lisbonne🇵🇹 #lisboa❤️ #unescosite #unescoheritagesite #lisboncity
I’ve seen other families get together and rank t I’ve seen other families get together and rank their favorite countries visited with a fun, little scoring system. I thought I’d do the same. Thus, I asked my kids to rank the countries they’d been to. It did not go as well as I hoped. Here are snippets of our conversation: Me: What about Iceland? You remember Iceland? Youngest boy: I remember the penguins. Me: There are no penguins. Oldest boy: Oh yeah, Estonia! I remember! I love penguins. Me: Ok, forget Iceland, what about France? Girl: That’s where mom said even if you guys bought us birthday presents we wouldn’t get them. Me: What?! No. Not true at all. Oldest boy: I remember that, but I don’t remember France at all. Me: You don’t remember you fell on your face twice, in the same place, there was a hole in your head and we were in the emergency room both times? Oldest boy: No. What’s a mergencee room? Me: That’s where that giant scar on your forehead comes from. Oldest boy: What scar? Youngest boy: I want to see the penguins in Estonia. Me: I give up. Girl: Are we getting birthday presents this year? Anyway, every kid remembers the monasteries we saw in Greece. Sorry, correction…every kid remembers the water slides we went on in Greece. But I remember the monasteries, and they were absolutely magical. Truly, one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. And I’ll never forget all the penguins we saw when we were there. 🐧😍 #greecewithkids #holidayswithkids #wtkr #greecetravel #meteoragreece #greeceinstagram #grecia🇬🇷 #grècia
English 🇺🇸 above👆🏻, word-for-word Span English 🇺🇸 above👆🏻, word-for-word Spanish 🇪🇸 translation below👇🏻 “Home is inside you.” - Confucius —————————————————— ¡Hola a todos! Creo que nos hemos deshecho de esas personas patéticas que solo hablan inglés gracias a la estúpida cita anterior. Les encantan esas cosas y nunca sabrán que estamos hablando de ellos. 🤫 ¡Ok, tiempo de broma! ¿Cómo se llama a alguien que habla tres idiomas? Trilingüe. ¿Cómo se llama a alguien que habla dos idiomas? Bilingüe. ¿Cómo llamas a alguien que habla un idioma? ¡¡Americano!! jajajajajaja 😂😂 Ok, ¡dejemos a esos tontos en paz! Oh, y espero que ese pequeño botón de "traducción" no aparezca 😅😬
On our current trip, we’ve somehow lost my daugh On our current trip, we’ve somehow lost my daughter’s camera (@fujifilmx_us pictured), most of our kids’ school supplies, one sock out of every pair of socks I brought for myself (how does this always happen?), all three metal water bottles for the kids (all three! THREE!), my flip flops, my old iPhone, my mind, and one child (safely recovered at a later date). Where does this all go (most likely to the cleaning crew, yes, I’m aware 😕)? Seriously, has anyone gotten things back? I wanna hear success stories. I have personally never recovered ANYTHING left on an airplane or in a hotel/Airbnb. Why? How? I once walked off a plane and down the hallway to the gate when I realized I left my @carrera sunglasses on the plane, but in those three to five minutes my sunglasses (left hidden in the pocket on the back of the seat in front of me) had totally vanished into the ether. Poof. Another time, in the mid-90s, I left half of my Swingers-inspired clothes (think bad khakis and bowling shirts) in the closet of a Las Vegas hotel, never to be seen again. (Though, looking back, I think @excaliburvegas did me a favor. I’m guessing they humanely burned everything. 🤔) Anyhow, this is simply my ridiculous plea for @airbnb @americanair @united @tripadvisor @bookingcom @hotelsdotcom and everyone else to finally just give me back the stuff they “borrowed.” 🤨⏱ #timesup Except the, uhhhh…swing dance stuff, for obvious reasons. 😃😅 #holidayshenanigans #athens_city #greeceshotz #greecelove #grècia #grecian #greeceinstagram #greecetravelgr
Last year on this day, I was yelling “‘Merica Last year on this day, I was yelling “‘Merica bitches” from my terrace to surprised Spaniards in lockdown while wearing my USA Stars and Stripes face mask as a banana hammock bathing suit, shooting off my invisible semi-automatic guns in the air, lighting anything with a fuse on fire (mostly @yankeecandle scented candles), and about to blackout on imported @whiteclaw hard seltzer. But this year I plan on reaaaaalllly partying!! 😵 I may bash the USA a lot, but I do really love it. Happy 4th of July ya’ll. 🇺🇸 Bang bang.💥 Btw, props to my wife who let me take a four-hour detour to @archesnps on an already-11-hour drive day. The only price I had to pay was awkward silence only broken by my occasional apologies the last seven hours in the car. #totallyworthit 😃 People in Europe (Europeans? 🤔🤷🏼‍♂️), how do you plan to celebrate the 4th of July? I know how super important this day is to you…. (Edit: I just realized you are all probably asleep right now, which is so lame and unpatriotic 😕👎🏻) #nationalparkswithkids #holidayswithkids #familytravel #familytrip #familytraveller #archesnationalpark #nps #parksproject #usanumber1 #happy4thofjuly🇺🇸 #happy4thofjuly🇺🇸🎉 #america
We finally returned to Rum! #wadirum Last time w We finally returned to Rum! #wadirum Last time we were in Wadi Rum was 13 years ago and it was just my wife and me (slide for those old photos). We arrived with no place to stay, but quickly met someone outside the visitor’s center who took us to his friend’s brother’s cousin’s house (that first guy later got fined for not having us pay through the visitor’s center). There, we had some tea and sat slightly uncomfortably in a living room for over an hour not knowing what was going on. But soon we were hopping onboard a stranger’s pickup truck and being whisked across the desert, tracing the footsteps of T.E. Lawrence #lawrenceofarabia After a day of spectacular sightseeing and dangerous rock climbing, we ended up at our camp, where our two Bedouin guides proceeded to get hammered on hashish, Red Bulls and vodka, and beer. After one of them sang the most passionate love song to his mother, they both just got up and left us alone in the desert (well, two other tourists were with us - a couple from Malaysia). Too hot to sleep inside the tent, we slept under a sea of stars. In the morning, we spent much time trying to wake the Bedouins (they obviously returned at some point) to no avail. Our Malaysian friends therefore missed their bus. Laughs were shared by all (Bedouins). In other words, it was an amazing time…full of adventure. This time we returned to a very commercialized experience. Maybe the lack of hashish and abandonment was better for the kids, but we sure thought it was better in Rum the first time around. 🤷🏼‍♂️ You ever return to a place and have it lose its magic? Anyhow, I’ll leave you with a couple of quotable quotes from Bedouins we met 13 years ago (feel free to use these in daily discourse): “You see, a woman could be hugging you and still could figure out a way to make love to another man.” (This guy also said a woman could figure out how to cheat on a man, even if kept on a leash) Clenched teeth rating=😬😬😬 “I'd be a very bad wife. I'd make love to every man in town. Then, you'd have to kill me.” Clenched teeth rating=😬😬😬😬😬 #familytravels #MYJORDANJOURNEY #JORDAN #MYJORDAN #wanderlist #wtkr #bedouincamp #bedouinlife
Happy Father’s Day to the greatest guy I know. A Happy Father’s Day to the greatest guy I know. A man so blessed in looks, so gifted in intelligence, so blissfully unaware of his own perfection, so virile it makes statues of Greek gods appear namby-pamby, so…ugh…it hurts my head just thinking about all the superlatives that apply. I am forever grateful you blessed me with your body, your soul, your musk. How can I even repay you? Hey, @socal_to_sevilla I drafted the above 👆🏻 caption for you to use today in an Instagram post devoted to me. Please don’t edit and post without my prior approval. Thank you for your continued cooperation. #fathersday #petrajordan #myjordanjourney #jordancountry #unesco #holidayswithkids #wanderfam #wanderlusting #madbadtraveldad
Number seven on my list of things to do today is t Number seven on my list of things to do today is to create a new bucket list, since I think I just finished my old one. ✅😅 Number 1,496 on my list today is to stop being so pretentious and annoying (like above). Admittedly, I might not ever get to this one. 🤔😃 Anyhow, I’m super grateful to get back to Petra after a 13-year hiatus (slide to see our first visit). Though much of the area has grown and therefore changed, it was comforting to see my wife still get hit on by pre-teen Bedouins all day. So, thankfully, not too much has changed. 😃 Much thanks for @royaljordanian for making this happen. #favoriteairline 👑 #myjordanjourney #myjordan #petrajordan #royaljordanian #unescoheritage #unescosite #nabatean #worldwonder #travelwithkids #holidayswithkids #familytravel
I know it doesn’t exist, but I wish someone woul I know it doesn’t exist, but I wish someone would pay me just to hang out with my kids all day. Because then I could use that money to hire a babysitter so I could finally get some time alone. Anyhow, it’s official. The kids found their favorite hotel in the world @westincostanavarino @costanavarino @marriottbonvoy Honestly, I didn’t go here for the kids. I’m a huge fan of those Richard Linklater movies - Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Before Midnight. And Before Midnight took place in this whole region, including scenes at the hotel. I had it all planned out - my wife and I would act out whole scenes from the movie in the exact locations they took place. But once we found out the hotel had beer and waterslides, well…my plan obviously went to shit. 🤷🏼‍♂️ What are some of your favorite hotels in the world? I’m looking for more magic like we found here. Girl child’s outfit by @pavonada_com Man child’s outfit by the final sale, no-returns-allowed rack at H&M #greecewithkids #greecelover_gr #greece_travel #grécia #grècia #grecia🇬🇷 #costanavarinomoments #costanavarinoresort #marriottbonvoy
I rarely, if ever, post anything of our vacation w I rarely, if ever, post anything of our vacation while we’re on vacation. Simply because I’m afraid of you burgling our home while we’re away (yes, I’m talking about you). But we’re technically, fully nomadic at the moment. All of our material possessions are spread across nine cities in three countries. In other words, we’re such a mess that you’ll really struggle to steal it all from us. And, actually, you’d be doing us a favor if you did. So, I’m posting away! 😉 #stealaway Not since my wife and I traveled around the world for 14 months has everything been so much of a daily adventure - full of difficulties and surprises. Only, this time it’s with three kids, two demanding jobs, and 12 extra pieces of luggage. And it has been a little weird. Hell, we just spent three nights in Cyprus (where we weren’t planning on going) just frantically working from a decent hotel in a sea of abandoned whorehouses (where my wife didn’t even leave the hotel and I only did so that I could show my kids what would happen to their lives if they weren’t diligent in their schoolwork). #lifelessons Not since we flew from Johannesburg to Mauritius only to return nine hours later (we had to keep the flight or else the rest of our RTW plane tickets would have been voided) have we made such strange, seemingly pointless travel. But we needed to go to Cyprus to get to Jordan, where we are now…waiting on my birthday for a driver that may or may not come after three other options fell through. It’s a bit surreal, but so much takes me back to our trip 13 years ago where life was coming at us so fast. 🌬 😅 Anyhow, this picture (and swipe for video) is from a crazy cool castle on the water at the edge of what is quite possibly one of the prettiest places in the world we’ve seen - Messenia, Greece. Life is good. #holidayswithkids #travelfam #messenia #greecewithkids #wanderfam
The place where my heart should be is now full. Th The place where my heart should be is now full. This spot has been on my list for so long, and it didn’t fail to deliver. #meteora #amazinggreece This almost deserves a hashtag “blessed”, but I still have a modicum of self respect remaining. 🤏 Also, it was a really nice bonus to see other abstinent people around, even if theirs is by choice. #monklife 😃 I think @socal_to_sevilla is getting sick of these jokes, but what do I have to lose, amiright? 🤷🏼‍♂️😬 Would you live in a monastery (to avoid your family)? 😌 #meteoragreece #meteoramonastery #greeceisforlovers #greecewithkids #holidayswithkids #familytraveller #familyvacation #wanderfamily
No one keeps asking me - “Why don’t you post m No one keeps asking me - “Why don’t you post more? Especially pictures of you. We never see enough of you. You’re such a stud.” So, in an effort to keep no one happy, here’s a photo of me (and the kids). And here are my engagement questions - Why don’t you ask me for more of me? 😩😭 Am I being needy? Insecure? I can change I promise. Just give me a chance. I’m sorry I left those nine voice messages on your phone even though I know no one checks voice messages anymore. I just wanted to hear your voice. Check your WhatsApp too btw, I sent you a photo. No, it’s not that. You told me no more of that. But, yes, I got another tattoo of your face and name, this time over my heart. Can you please call me so we can fall asleep one last time while talking to each other? I miss that. I miss us. #engagementquestions #badatinstagram #greeceislands #naxosisland #naxosgreece #grecia🇬🇷 #greekgods #greekgod #greecekids #travelwithkids #holidayswithkids #wtkr
If you know me, you know I don’t do well with la If you know me, you know I don’t do well with large crowds. Thus, we left right after this photo was taken, when one other person arrived to the Parthenon 🏛☹️😒#crowded #greecewithkids #parthenon #acropolis Have you been to the Acropolis? Was it this crazy when you went?? 🤯😰 Anyhow, after being in a top secret location with very poor internet for four days we’re back online. What did I miss? Something important like a new Tik-Tok dance craze? 😬🙏🏻 #lovinggreece #athensforkids #greeceforever #greeceforkids
I woke up and started scrolling Instagram this mor I woke up and started scrolling Instagram this morning and I was not impressed. Here were my thoughts (in order): “You’re posting the same video to Reels everyone else is posting? Why?? Can’t you be original? Are you even using one of same five trendy songs they’re using too? 🤯 Try harder please.” “Great, a blurry photo of your family in some city, somewhere. Cool. Haven’t you figured out the export/import settings to properly post a sharp photo to Instagram yet?” “Yes, we get it. You sold everything to travel the world. Slow clap 👏🏻😒 Remind me, why do I care about 500 photos of your kids again?” “Are you selling something here (a kid?)? What is your purpose? Like, in life. What is your purpose in life? You’re wasting your time (and mine). 😾” And that’s when I realized I was scrolling my own feed. 😃✌🏻 In the comments, tell me what posts you want more of. Posts promoting deep-dish pizza? Posts telling you how good my life is so you’ll hate your own? Posts selling my secrets to guaranteed success? I’m open. 🤗 #algarveportugal #algarvelovers #algarvecoast #lagosportugal #lagosgirls #portugalfamily #wanderfamily #travelwithus #portugal_photos #portugalete #portugal_gems #portugal_places #portugalhotels #portugalmyworld #portugalvisuals
For the second Sunday in a row (Europe, then USA), For the second Sunday in a row (Europe, then USA), happy Mother’s Day 🎉👏🏻 Does this ever end? It feels like #mothersdayeveryday 😒 Here’s to the woman who literally and figuratively carries us on her back, but who strangely hates when we call her “donkey.” Go figure 🤔 Who knew? 🤷🏼‍♂️ I love you @socal_to_sevilla and I apologize for convincing the kids that I carried them in my belly and gave birth to them while you were in rehab. That was wrong and I understand that now. Finally, thank you for treating me like the child I am. I will take my bath and sandwich now. #portugalonthetop #portugaltourism #lisboa🇵🇹 #lisbonforever #lisboacool #lisboasecreta #lisbonne🇵🇹 #portugal_places #portugal_gems #mothersyay #mothersdayweekend
We might not be in Sevilla (or Spain) too much lon We might not be in Sevilla (or Spain) too much longer. And, even though I’ve had some frustrations with certain things here (e.g. 37 unnecessary dentist appointments), I honestly don’t think we’ve lived in a better city. We moved from the 6th safest city in the United States, and Sevilla makes our old city seem like South Sudan. No guns, no fights, no drunk people, kids out playing until midnight (sometimes, ironically, with guns). It’s all a little surreal. And, again, it’s not perfect. I could write a really long caption about our negative experiences. But I just want to end with the number one, best thing about Sevilla (and Spain in general)...and that is - there is no better place we’ve seen for kids. Kids are treated like royalty here, and often addressed as the same (i.e. Reina). For example, we’d only occasionally take our kids to restaurants back home. And there we’d get dirty looks from other patrons and purposely bad service from a 20 year old waiter who still expected a 20% tip (but that’s another topic). Not once has someone unnecessarily reprimanded our kids here. My youngest child could be hanging from the chandelier and he’d simply get a smile and a friendly rub on the head from the waitstaff. They understand that kids are kids and should be able to be kids because they’re kids (you get that?🤔)! It’s like the perfect childhood. 🥰 And for that, Spain, we are very grateful. Now, if you could just get my fucking kid down from the chandelier, I’d appreciate it 😌🙏🏻 🇪🇸 #expatfamily #expatlife #travelwithkids #spainkids #sevillanas #sevillahoy #sevillecathedral #sevillespain #sevillagram
I think it’s important to get your kids outside I think it’s important to get your kids outside the classroom, so they can actually do some real learning. Like when we visited this pink salt lake. The kids really wanted to know what it was, and how it was created. So I told them the truth, that it was created by mermaid blood and that drinking a mouthful of it would give them superpowers. Man, you should’ve seen their faces after they drank some and started violently throwing up. I feel like they really learned something that day. It’s 2021 so I have to write this - I’m kidding, obviously 👆🏻🙄 We’re seriously thinking about homeschooling the kids though. Can anyone share their good (or bad) experiences? 🙏🏻 #walvisbay #namibiatourism #travelwithkidstips #familyaffairs #familyphotoshoots #pinklake #saltlake #namibdesert #wanderlusting_soul
Load More... Follow on Instagram

© 2021 - All Rights Reserved.

The fine print: Every travel story is a complete fabrication. Truth is, I've never even left the United States (nor do I have a wife or kids).