8am – Woke up and thought, “Holy shit, did I just really sleep in until 8am? How is that possible? I never sleep in until 8am. Crap, I have so much I want to do today.”
8:01am – Fell immediately back asleep. Had the same, recurring, anxious dream about being trapped in a cage where no one could hear my screams.
8:45am – Realized I never fell back asleep.
8:59am – 9:58am – Had three cups of coffee. Pretended life was normal. (As an aside, I just started drinking coffee this year [“when in Europe…”] and I still think it’s a crappy experience [or maybe I’m just really bad at it]. My experience is just this: Sip. Too hot. Sip. Too hot. Sip. Too hot. Set cup down. Walk away. Forget about cup. Sip. Too cold. Pound drink. Repeat. What am I doing wrong? Why is this not easier?)
9:59am – Checked the calendar to make sure it’s Wednesday. Found out it was not. Did the human version of the shrug emoji guy. When I saw it was Sunday, sarcastically whispered “Hooray.”
10am – Walked to the market, crossing the street several times just to avoid walking near the construction guy taking a break and blowing cigarette smoke out OVER his facemask, the group of taxis drivers forming an uncomfortably tight circle outside their taxis waiting for people to leave the hospital, the five gypsies walking together who have almost certainly just taken over the city, and the old man who just sneezed while making eye contact with me (#shudder).
10:15am – Thought about how long a virus could possibly live on the skin of fruit. Took back all I ever said about the “geniuses” who wrap bananas in plastic bags. Bought lots of plastic-wrapped bananas. Wondered if I’m the only person who eats the whole banana, peel and all. I’m not, right? Right? (#kidding)
10:30am – “Invested” in alcohol.
10:45am – Almost finished my grocery shopping “clean”, as I call it. But then had a guy literally walk right behind me and sneeze. Spent the majority of my walk home thinking about whether I breathed in any “sneeze air” and almost convinced myself I’m ok when a guy walking near me coughed right when he got near me (“He couldn’t hold it one more second?). Does all this sneezing and coughing happen every day and I just don’t notice it?
11:00am – Stripped my clothes at the front door. Stepped into the shower. Attempted to scrub the sneeze and skin off the back of my neck. And, by the way, my shower’s knob is basically this (left to right): Scalding, Scalding, Scalding, Scalding, Scalding, Scalding, Luke warm, Frigid, Frigid, Frigid, Frigid, Frigid, Frigid. And when I finally locate the “Luke warm” sweet spot, the hot water heater decides to mix things up a bit. Is this just a Europe thing?
11:15am – Washed my clothes, shoes, hat, house keys, and all the fruits and vegetables. Thought again about how long a virus could possibly live on the skin of fruit. Refused to Google it. Assumed the answer was 18 days. Held the tomatoes under water for an additional three seconds to be safe.
12pm – Started school for the kids by turning on the television.
2pm – Somehow ended up watching all of Frozen 2 with the kids. Had many Elsa questions:
Why did Elsa want to live alone in an ice castle and belt out “Let It Go” in the first movie?
Why was a female voice beckoning her out into the great unknown in the second movie?
Why did Elsa’s true love (needed to break her free from her frozen state) in the first movie not involve a man?
Why did her parents make her to hide her “powers” in the closet?
Why didn’t she pursue (or even think about) a relationship with a man in either movie (even though her younger sister had a fulfilling heterosexual marriage by age 18)?
Who is this Honeymaren? And why does she have incredible chemistry with Elsa?
2:30pm – Agreed with everyone that Elsa is definitely a lesbian. #theywereright #giveelsaagirlfriend
2:45pm – Remembered to feed the kids breakfast.
3:00pm – Corona time! The beer. Just the beer. But gave serious thought to why people seriously aren’t buying Corona beer right now. People understand how viruses work, right? #youonlygetthevirusifyoushareyourbeer
3:30pm – Flew a drone at my kids’ nanny’s head. I’m so sorry she has to deal with four kids…
4:00pm – Ran tight circles on my rooftop and omg I think I’m going insane.
4:30pm – Physical education time for the kids.
4:35pm – Ok that was a mistake. Turned on Netflix.
4:38pm – Chilled.
5:00pm – Started writing my book, since I finally had free time and no excuses.
5:08pm – Stopped writing my book. Instead started staring at my phone for what ended up being two straight hours. (Today I learned that Viagra can double the shelf life of cut flowers…making them stand up straight for as long as a week beyond their natural lifespan… #mindblown).
7:30pm – Made dinner. Realized mashed potatoes should never, ever involve a blender. Ever. Never ever.
7:45pm – Watched my “talented” child eat his dinner with his feet. Decided to just completely stop contributing money to his college fund.
8:00pm – Clapped for all the people who are keeping us safe during this crazy time. Did a little dance.
9:00pm – Watched Tiger King on Netflix. All of it. All. Of. It.
4:00am – Went to bed. Anxiously dreamt about being trapped in a cage and somehow married to Joe Exotic. #gunsandmethgetmeeverytime