Rule #1: Never be alone with a boy.
Rule #2: Never be alone with a boy and his best friend (who will vouch for his friend regardless).
Rule #3: Never, ever, ever be alone with an “important” boy (i.e. rich, powerful, white, entitled), especially since these types of boys are going through a “scary and difficult time” right now in the U.S.
Rule #4: If you are sexually assaulted, let’s never tell Congress. You’ll only be mocked and ridiculed by the once-respected position of President of the United States of America. And we’ll have to figure out a different plan of action that doesn’t involve Conservatives (especially Conservative women who linked to so many articles this past week about women lying about rape or saying that sexual assault happened to them, but they were strong enough to get past it, or saying that women who had very little to gain were paid to ruin a good, honest man’s life (a man that they’ve never met and whose life would not have been ruined just because he didn’t get a job).
Rule #5: Though this may be hard, if you are sexually assaulted, you must immediately convince everyone around you that you were the victim. You must remember any and all details about the night (other than your general terror and identification of the perpetrator). You must then open up your life and your painful experience to the public. You mustn’t wait because half of this country will think that only people who lie wait to open up and tell everyone.
Rule #6: You must thank your lucky stars that you’re white. We’ll have a better chance that people believe you or even care about you. This is sad but true.
Rule #7: Pray for progress, which has unfortunately become a dreaded word (on par with socialism). Remember, less than 100 years ago your gender couldn’t even vote in this country. The same kind of people who fought that then are fighting progress now.
Rule #8: Never be alone with a boy. I’m asking the impossible of course. So, just be smart like you know you are. And take comfort in knowing that I’ll always believe you.