1. Because my threat that a bear might come and eat them in the middle of the night if they don’t keep quiet and go to sleep is actually a possibility now. And if a bear ate them, that would mean I am not a liar, which is important in raising kids that I want to respect me.
2. Because if a child screams in the middle of the woods, does anyone hear it?
3. To show them stars really do exist. Late at night, when we sit and look up at the nighttime sky, we even assign names to the bigger stars we see. Names like: Khloe, Kim, Kylie, Kourtney, Kendall, and Kris.
4. So they get their daily fiber in the form of tree bark.
5. Because the woods are like one big, amazing bar. A bar I can take my kids to and don’t have to drive home from.
6. For the fact that fresh air and a strong smell of pine overpowers just about any smell that can come from my child.
7. Since if I’m forced to wake up to the sound of a baby crying, I want everyone within earshot to wake up too.
8. Because burning diapers in a campfire is good for the environment, right? Mmmm, for some reason I just got hungry…
9. Because I will go insane if I spend one more minute locked up with my kids in the house. And, yes, my wife locks us in the house while she is away. I don’t think it’s right. I don’t think it’s fair. I don’t even think it’s legal. But she does it. And I am powerless to stop her.
10. I just want other parents to think I’m a good parent. Impressed yet?